Let me help you
by Jossasund
Summary: *****TRIGGERWARNINGS*** Emma is depressed and pregnant. She has no money but thankfully she has her friend Ruby. She moves in with her, but there's a catch. Emma needs to start therapy. But they will soon feel Regina turn both Emma and ruby's world upside down.
1. Chapter 1

*********Trigger warnings. ***********

 **This fanfic will be about a very depressed and unhappy person. There will be mentions of self harm, suicide and rape.**

—–

Emma laid on her dirty mattress and stared up at the ceiling. She was tired. So fucking tired. She had no job, barely money enough for this shit hole of an apartment, and her refrigerator was empty. And on top of it all, she had been raped a month ago. She knew she should have reported it to the police, but the 19 year girl hadn't. She probably would have just been told that she shouldn't have worn those short shorts and that tank top. Shit she neither wanted or needed to hear. Instead she had stumbled home and collapsed on her bed and cried herself to sleep that night.

Emma groaned and dragged her fingers through her hair. She didn't remember the last time she had left the house or even left her bedroom. She was surrounded by old pizza cartons and empty beer bottles her friend Ruby had brought her. Ruby was the only friend she had and she tried to support Emma the best she could. But Emma was almost beyond saving. The darkness inside her had soon taken over completely and she just wanted to die. But she had never succeeded with her suicide attempts because Ruby had always caught her. She had taken care of the deep wounds or taken Emma to hospital when she had mixed pills with alcohol.

Emma sat up and reached for the pack of cigarettes she had on her nightstand and lit one. She took a long inhale of it and blew out the smoke through her nose. She knew she'll. shouldn't smoke or drink since she had gotten knocked up, but she didn't care. Why should she? If she actually lived to give birth to this kid growing inside her stomach, she would probably have it ripped away from her arms minutes after it was born. She could barely take care of herself, so how would she be able to take care of a kid?

Emma shook her head at her thoughts. Life was never gonna be as for her, would it? She let out a big sigh and she was at least glad, in some weird way, that the mirror in her bedroom was broken so the blonde didn't have to see how disgusting she looked right now. She hadn't showered since God knew when. Unfortunately the mirror's shards were being used for cutting and her arms were a proof of that. But nobody knew. Well, except for Ruby who was the one who made sure her cuts at least didn't get infected.

Ruby loved Emma. More than a friend. Emma knew that, even if Ruby hadn't said anything. But she knew her. And she would probably never do that either but it could be seen in her eyes. She loved Emma. A broken orphan who didn't know how love even was spelled. She wasn't worthy of Ruby's love.

Emma had grown up as a foster kid and had never had a stable foundation to build herself up on. She had just been tossed around, like a fucking ball between different families, without ever feeling safe and loved. She grew up to be an anxious person because of that and started to cut herself at a young age.

When she had turned 16, Emma had packed her bag and run away. Nobody came looking for her and when she finally turned 18, she was on her own. She was an adult now, at least in be government's eyes. But she wasn't. She would probably never be. Emma was still that scared little kid deep inside and it broke Ruby's heart.

Ruby's friends didn't understand who this Emma was or why Ruby insisted on taking care of someone who apparently didn't want her help, but Ruby didn't care what people said or thought, especially not when it came to Emma. Ruby had been Emma's only friend for years and she refused to give up on her.

"Ems?" Ruby called as she walked into Emma's apartment. It was unsanitary and disgusting. This wasn't a place for a pregnant woman to live, or anyone else for that matter. Ruby walked into Emma's bedroom and found her sitting on her mattress, smoking a cigarette. She sat down on the bed and took the cigarette from Emma's hand and put it out.

"You shouldn't smoke you know Ems" Ruby said carefully and the blonde huffed at her.

"I shouldn't be alive either, so," she shrugged and reached for another cigarette and lit it.

"Move in with me," Ruby said out of the blue and Emma choked on the smoke she had in her mouth.

"Come again?"

"I said, move in with me. You and the kid" Ruby said with a careful smile as she laid her hand on her friend's stomach. Emma who usually pulled away from this kind of affection, but she didn't do that now for some reason. Instead she looked into Ruby's kind eyes and tugged on her underlip.

"What's the catch?" Emma asked anxiously, knowing people didn't offer something this nice without wanting something in return.

"Ems, I care about you and I don't want you to live like this. And you want to get a chance to keep this kid, right?" Emma nodded in response because she actually wanted to keep this baby even if it had been conceived by a rape.

"So, move in with me" Ruby shrugged and Emma wondered if she should say yes. This place she lived in was terrible. And Ruby's apartment was in a good neighborhood, and it was a wonderful apartment with two floors, a beautiful balcony on it, that provided a view of the whole city. Emma had only been there a few times but she had always dreamt about living in a place like that, even though she knew she would never have the money to do so.

Ruby wanted to help Emma in any way necessary but the blonde felt torn. She still saw Ruby as only a friend and didn't want to say yes to this and end up giving Ruby some false hope about their relationship.

"If I say yes, we just become roomies? I mean, we're still just _friends_ Rubes?" Emma asked carefully and Ruby nodded.

"I just want to help you Ems. And the first step for me to do that, is getting you far away from this dirty apartment and this bad neighborhood."

Emma agreed to move in and when she had said yes, Ruby told her the catch. She wanted her to start therapy. The blonde had actually not refused because she had wanted to start therapy for years, but didn't had the money for it. But Ruby was loaded. She owned a successful cafe franchise so she said she would pay if Emma went to therapy.

They looked for quite a while before they found a therapist Emma thought sounded good. She was used to taking on the more 'complicated' people and the blonde was surely one of them. They booked the first appointment and Ruby had offered to go with her but Emma had said no. She didn't want to burden Ruby even more than she already had. So Ruby had hugged her tight and wished her good luck.

The therapist's office was in an enormous skyscraper and Emma was relieved there was an elevator when she realised the office was on the eighth floor. When the elevator pinged and she was at the right floor, she felt out of place right away. She understood this couldn't have been cheap and she almost felt bad for making Ruby pay for this. She suddenly felt anxious and was about to turn around and run away when she bumped into a sweet girl with brown hair.

"Oh god I'm sorry, I didn't see you," the girl apologized and Emma just offered her a gentle smile. "Can I help you by the way? You seem a little lost?"

"Yeah I'm always kinda lost," Emma shrugged.

"Then we're two" the brown haired girl chuckled and gestured Emma to follow her to her computer. She sat down and started to type. "So you had an appointment at 3 o'clock you said?"

"Yes," the blonde replied.

"Then I guess you're Emma Swan, huh?"

"Yes that's me."

"Welcome, I forgot to say that before, and I'm Belle by the way. Sorry. I'm so forgetful."

Emma relaxed when she talked to the receptionist. She seemed so nice and friendly and didn't really look like the typical girl to work at a place like this.

"Your therapist is the third door on your left. She's in, and she's expecting you. Just knock on the door and she'll let you in."

"Thanks Belle" Emma smiled and waved goodbye to the receptionist and headed down the corridor.

She hoped she remembered right when she knocked on the door. A older women with black hair opened the door and Emma almost lost her breath. She was breathtaking. "Oh, you must be Emma, welcome. Come in. I'm your therapist Regina Mills."


	2. Chapter 2

****** Trigger warnings ******

Emma nodded at the older woman and followed her inside. She gestured for Emma to sit down as and the blonde did as she was told. The therapist sat down in front of her, put on her glasses, and put a notepad and a pen in her hands.

"So Miss Swan, tell me, why you are here hmm?" Regina said carefully and the blonde tugged on her lower lip.

"Because I'm a fuck up?" Emma shrugged.

"I hardly think you are that" Regina replied with a gentle smile and Emma almost lost herself in those beautiful green eyes. They looked so friendly and so calm. She didn't judge Emma like others usually did as soon as they saw her. Regina seemed different in some way but Emma was still suspicious and had her guard up, something the therapist noticed.

"I'm not here to judge you Miss Swan. I'm here to help you, so please tell me a little bit about yourself?"

Emma told Regina about her life in general, and was quite surprised she opened up so quickly to a stranger like Regina. Emma told her about her upbringing in the foster care system, about how she had never had a stable family she could trust. How she had mostly felt like a waste of space her whole life and how she had started to self-harm at an early age. The therapist had listened carefully in the meantime, as she had written in her notepad. Then Emma told her about all of her numerous suicide attempts and then about the rape that had left her pregnant.

—

"You have been very brave today Miss Swan" Regina said as she put down her notepad to reached for one of Emma's hands and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"nah, I haven't. .. " Emma shrugged and Regina took off her glasses.

"how come?" she challenged.

"Because," Emma shrugged again.

"Well, trust me when I say you have been brave Miss Swan. I have worked as a therapist for years and most people don't dare to even tell me half of their problems at their first appointment, but you have told what your problems are, so we know what we have to work with."

Emma frowned. She had never heard anyone call her brave, like, ever. She had only heard what a disappointment she was, so hearing something like this, something positive, made her almost not sure how to react.

"So should we schedule another appointment?"

"I guess?"

—

After the session with Regina Emma felt drained. She barely made it inside the doors of Ruby's apartment before she collapsed on the couch in front of the TV. She took a deep breath and inhaled the fresh scent that surrounded her. God how she loved this apartment. And even if this was her home right now as well the blonde would never see it like that. She was just someone who embarked and was a burden. A parasite. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Emma and Ruby's path had crossed by total coincidence. The blonde had come into the diner ruby's grandmother had owned and she was looking so small and fragile. Emma had only had four dollars with her but both ruby and her grandmother always helped people in need. So they gave Emma a free meal and she and ruby exchanged numbers.

They stayed in touch and one day they randomly met each other at a soup kitchen where both Ruby and her grandmother Eugenia volunteered. But those days when Emma came there, ruby spent every minute with her. Their friendship grew strong quickly and soon the redhead learned when Emma used to show up at this particular soup kitchen each week so she was always there. Offering Emma an extra piece of bread or something else good she had bought with her own money. Emma had always been so thankful for so little.

—

Ruby chuckled when she came home and found Emma snoring on the couch. She looked so peaceful when she laid there. For a moment the blonde didn't look like she had a trouble in the world. But when Ruby's eyes reached her friends arms she was thrown back to reality. The arms were full of scars, newly fresh cuts and it broke Ruby's heart. She really hoped the therapy would help her get to the bottom of all her darkness.

When Emma woke up a few hours later, she heard Ruby from the kitchen. She was arguing with someone, probably one of her bitchy friends that Emma knew hated her and her sheer existence. The blonde knew Ruby would defend her with her life if she needed but she knew all this arguing probably took a toll on her friend and that made Emma so sad.

"It's my life and my apartment Mary-Margaret, and I don't care what you think of my friendship with her!" Ruby snarled, regretting even mentioning Emma was staying at her place right now. But the redhead wasn't known for keeping her mouth shut so it had just came out.

"Red, she's just using you! Why are you so blind to that fact?!" her friend shot back, and Ruby clenched her fist.

"Just because you don't give a shit about people who aren't as fortunate as you and me, doesn't mean I'm a selfish prick like you!"

Ruby didn't even understand why she hung out with Mary-margaret, but guessed it was because they had been friends since they were children. But they were not alike in any way. Mary-Margaret looked down upon those who didn't have money. Those who struggled in life. They were just disgusting in her eyes. And her father was even worse.

Ruby's grandmother had always had money but she had never flaunted it. Never showed it off. She cared for those who didn't have any and worked in soup kitchens to give a little back to those in need. Ruby had inherited that way of thinking and even if she had taken over her grandmothers old cafe and made it into a franchise, Ruby never forgot those who didn't have money.

She helped them with fundraisers, charity events and so on. Sometimes she had even given a sum of money to a homeless guy because she had overheard it was his birthday. Ruby had her heart in the right place like Mary-Margaret, although, Ruby wasn't sure she even had one.

—

Emma tried to not listen so she turned on the TV. She didn't remember the last time she had watched TV since she hadn't had one at her own place. Having a TV was a luxury she couldn't afford. Suddenly she heard Ruby raise her voice and smash the phone against the table.

"You know what Mary-Margaret, you can go to hell! I'm sick and tired of your disgusting words and I don't need someone like you in my life!" Ruby finally snapped.

"Fine with me!" Mary-Margaret shot back and Ruby ended the call by throwing the phone down at the table.

Emma stood up and walked out in the kitchen and Ruby met her eyes. They looked so conflicted, worried and sad.

"Hi Em, how did the therapy go? " Ruby asked with a gentle smile and Emma decided to not ask about the call she just had overheard.

"Fine I guess. I'm going back to her tomorrow."

"That's awesome! " Ruby grinned.

—

When the night came Ruby couldn't sleep. Emma, on the other hand was snoring like a grown man, the redhead heard from the guest room as she walked past it on her way out to the balcony. Ruby rested her elbows against the rails and looked out over the city that slept. Her mind was racing as she reached for a cigarette and Iit it. She was of course thinking of Emma.

She tried to understand when she had fallen for her and why it had even happened. Ruby groaned but couldn't for the world find an answer to the question that had haunted her all these years. And she knew Emma was way to damaged to love her back and Ruby would never push her. She was just happy over having Emma in her life and that she allowed her to help her sort her life out.

—

The next day Emma woke up rested for the first time in a long while. Ruby's guest bed was like sleeping on clouds, especially compared to that old mattress Emma had been used to. The blonde suddenly saw a paper next to her on the nightstand.

" _I've made some sandwiches for you and I got that juice for you I know you love. Good luck at therapy today and give me a call when you're done. Because we're gonna go shopping! Hugs and kisses, Ruby"_

Emma just chuckled and went downstairs to eat and her stomach growled. She was thankful to have Ruby, she really was. But in the meantime, she felt terrible for not being able to return the feelings she knew Ruby had for her. And Emma told herself Ruby deserved so much more than her, and especially someone so much better than a freak like her.

 _Right?_


	3. Chapter 3

****TRIGGERWARNINGS***

Emma took a deep breath before she entered the therapist's office. She had a long-sleeved shirt on her today and she knew Regina would react to that. The blonde had suffered a really bad anxiety attack just before she left the apartment and couldn't stand the urge to cut. _Let's get this over with_ Emma thought to herself and opened the therapist's door. She was met by a smile and sat down in the armchair, facing Regina.

"Hi Miss Swan, how are you doing today?" Regina asked with a gentle tone and reached for her glasses. Emma shrugged and started to fiddle with her hands, before she finally answered the question.

"I feel like, I don't know. Just, a burden."

"How come?"

"Ugh I just. I lived in a shit place of an apartment and my friend Ruby, who also is my only friend, she convinced me to move in with her. And, I don't know. I feel so bad for it"

Regina studied the blonde and listened carefully to her words. She was only in her twenties but already so broken and lost. But there was something in Emma's eyes that she couldn't put her finger on. Something she shouldn't even think about. So she shock her head and cleared her throat.

"Why should you feel guilty?"

"Huh?" Emma frowned.

"Ruby wanted you to move in right Miss Swan?" Emma nodded her answer and Regina continued. "So then she wants you there, so you shouldn't feel bad about it."

The therapist offered her a another smile and Emma had to concentrate to not get herself lost in her own thoughts by looking at Regina, but God was it hard because she was so absolutely breathtaking.

"I guess you're right," Emma shrugged. "But I still feel like shit for not being able to take care of myself. And look at me. I'm pregnant. Am I gonna crash at her place for the rest of my life? Nobody wants to hire me. I'm a failure…"

"so I guess this anxiety has something to do with you wearing wearing a long-sleeved shirt today?"

The question caught Emma by surprise but she signaled and nodded.

"So you have cut yourself?" Regina asked, carefully, since she knew it was hard to talk about and self destructive people tended to walk out the door if she pushed too hard.

"Yeah… I can't handle all the shit in my head so then I cut myself. It helps for just a short time but.. I feel so calm when I do it. It's like everything and every little problem in my life just… disappears."

Regina nodded and wondered how far she could push the blonde before she shut down completely. She had understood by reading Emma's journals from hospitals and psychiatric clinics that she had tried to commit suicide a couple of times, even if she was so young.

Regina took off her glasses and put them next to her. She decided to take a different approach on Emma, unlike she had ever done with any other patient she had ever had. She was gonna tell the blonde about her own difficulties growing up, hoping that would make Emma feel a little better about herself. Regina knew it was a risky move, but she knew she had to try.

"You know Miss Swan, I had my share of difficulties growing up too," Regina began to say and Emma watched her with skeptical yet intrigued eyes.

"Really?"

"Oh yes. I struggled with depression when I was a teenager and I was also self destructive. See?" Regina rolled up her sleeves and showed Emma her arms, making the blonde almost gasp. The scars were old, and nearly faded, but her whole wrists were full of them.

—

Emma couldn't believe her eyes. Regina, who looked so put together and stunning, had been so depressed that she had turned to cutting? Emma wanted to ask that question so badly but she didn't dare. But Regina saw what she was thinking.

"My sister, who was just a couple of years older than me, committed suicide when we were teenagers and at the same time my mother passed away from cancer. It was a hard time and my poor dad had to work two jobs to support us. Unfortunately we lost the house and it was so horrible. We had to sell it and with it my horse. It was a tough time and one day my father found my razors. We cried in each other's arms for hours and the next day I started therapy and it really turned my life around. It took time, but I'm happy I chose to fight. And when I got better I felt I wanted to help people, people like me. So that's why I became a therapist. So you don't have to hide yourself from me Miss Swan. I want you to be honest with me and yourself okay?"

Emma just stared at Regina for a while. Not knowing how the hell she should respond to her story. Emma tugged on her under lip and put her arms around her like she always did when she was anxious.

"So you don't have to feel ashamed of yourself here Miss Swan, this is a safe place"

—

After the the session ended, Ruby picked Emma up in her car. The blonde was quiet and her friend knew this had been a hard appointment but she knew she was gonna cheer her up easily and drove the car to the shopping mall. Emma was still quiet when they parked the car and stepped out. Ruby gave her a gentle smile and Emma smiled back. That was a good sign at least.

Ruby took Emma to subway first. She knew the blonde loved the food there and she beamed up at once. They had always eaten at subway, it was kinda their thing. So after both girls had eaten, Emma finally spoke up.

"Sorry for being so distant. I... It was... It was hard today at the therapist," Emma shrugged. She was so thankful that Ruby knew when to and when not to push her.

"No problems Ems." Ruby said and stood up. "Are you ready for some shopping now huh?"

"I guess. But you don't have to Ruby.. "

"Don't be silly, come now."

—

The next couple of days passed by quite normally. Emma went to her therapy sessions and the blonde found her life almost feeling normal. Almost easy. But she soon fucked that up when she and Ruby shared a kiss on the couch in front of the TV one night.

Emma didn't know what to think about it, and when the night came the anxiety started to crawl under her skin. She groaned and sat up in the bed, dragging her fingers through her hair and trying to get her breathing under control. It didn't work. It never worked. She was just about to reach for her hidden stack of razors when a sudden voice startled her. Emma looked up and met Ruby's worried eyes.

"Is something wrong Ems? " she asked carefully and Emma shrugged.

"I don't know if I can do this.."

"Do what?" Ruby frowned and gave Emma a conflicted look. The blonde patted on the bed, and Ruby walked over to her and sat down.

"I mean you and me. I don't know if I can do this. I know you have feelings for me Ruby and I don't know if I'm even capable of loving you back. I don't know if I'm capable of even loving anyone… " The tears were stinging in Emma's eyes by the moment as Ruby reached for one of her hands and gave it a gentle squeeze. Her smile was so beautiful and Emma knew Ruby would give her an even more wonderful life than she was doing now if she would let her in, but Emma was too afraid. And she was broken. So fucking broken.

Ruby tugged on her lower lip and tried to find the right words. She knew Emma was terrified of everything, and Ruby, she was, well, terrified of her own feelings. She had always been a loner, and had never found anyone her heart had skipped a beat for. Expect for Emma. She had fallen for her almost from the first time she had seen her, not even understanding how it all had happened. They were from completely different worlds but Ruby hadn't cared about that, because there had been something in Emma's eyes, a type of honesty she had never seen in anyone before. It had caught her attention and the feelings slowly started to grow.

Emma didn't pretend to be someone she wasn't. She didn't hide the fact that she had lived a hard life and she was so beautiful in Ruby's eyes. So fucking perfect.

"I'm sorry…" was the only words that finally came out of Ruby's mouth and Emma let her fingers play with hers. They tangled in each other's and their eyes locked.

"I don't even understand why you even want me in your life… I'm just a street rat and you, look at you. You're.." Ruby cut her off immediately.

"Stop it Emma. I may have money but I'm not some fucking saint and you are not something worthless. We're human you and me. And yes we maybe are from different worlds but I don't care. I have never cared about that. The only thing I care about Emma, is you."

The blonde looked down at her scarred wrists and before she had the chance to reply, she felt Ruby pull her into a hug. Emma's first instinct was to push her away but at the same time she was desperate for the comfort. Her mind was racing and she wondered what she was going to do about all this.

—-—

The next day Emma and Ruby talked about what was going on between them. Ruby admitted her love for the blonde and Emma had just shook her head and said they could never be a couple. Ruby had almost broken down but Emma tried to tell her it was because she wasn't brave enough to take another step forward with Ruby.

Emma didn't do well with feelings and well, not with people either. She explained with a careful smile that Ruby was Emma's everything and would always be, but that she couldn't risk losing her if they started to date and it didn't work out. Ruby had understood everything, thankfully, the blonde thought. Ruby knew she was Emma's only friend and probably one of the few reasons the blonde was still alive.

—-—

The months flew by and Emma made so much progress. She was so much happier, so much more at ease and Ruby went back to work. But then the day came that everything went to hell.

"Good morning Miss Mills," Belle smiled as Regina passed by her. Regina who always stopped and talked for a while with her assistant every morning, didn't do that this morning, which made Belle frown. Regina had just received an urgent call, so she just offered her smile in response and grabbed her coffee cup and headed for the elevator.

Emma Swan had been seeing her for months now and had made so much progress in her therapy, but this morning Regina had received a call about Emma, from Ruby, that she assumed was her friend. Regina was so bad with names sometimes. The blonde suffered a miscarriage and had ended up trying to commit suicide after that happened. And it broke Regina's heart because she knew how much Emma had started to look forward to having this baby.

Regina practically ran through the hospital, despite her high heels and saw a redhead girl wave at her. She assumed it was Ruby and rushed over to her.

"Are you her therapist? I mean, Emma's therapist?" Ruby stuttered and dried her eyes. Regina nodded and laid a gentle hand on the girl's shoulder. "Sorry for being such a mess."

"Don't apologize miss…?"

"Miss Lucas but only my employees call me that, so please, just, Ruby."

—

Ruby explained she had received a call from Emma when she had been in a meeting and had first told her assistant it had to wait but when the assistant had insisted it was an emergency, the redhead had excused herself and left the meeting. Emma had been crying so much that Ruby hardly had heard what she had said. So Ruby had done what her gut had told her, she had told her assistant it was a family emergency and left.

She had drove way over the speed limit and had ran into her apartment and found Emma in the bathroom. She had been sitting on the bathroom floor and she was almost unconscious by the time the redhead reached her. Ruby had managed to shake her awake and Emma had mumbled something about being such a failure for not even being able to carry a baby. Ruby had not understood a word before she realized Emma sat in a pool of blood that wasn't from cutting. She had lost the baby. Ruby felt the lump in her own throat but she had to be strong for Emma's sake now.

But Emma's behavior still didn't add up. Then Ruby saw the bottles of pills beside Emma, almost hidden behind her back. Ruby panicked and dialed 911 and they got rushed to the hospital.

—

Regina told Ruby to go down to the cafeteria and take a breather as she went into Emma's room. The blonde was resting for the moment and she looked so fragile. It broke Regina's heart. This girl had gotten under her skin in a way that she knew wasn't healthy, especially not since she was her patient. But Regina couldn't help her feelings, even if she wished she could.

She had been rooting for Emma, and she had never been so happy for another patient's progress as Regina had been over hers. So seeing Emma like this, it made Regina want to break down in tears.

—

Regina had talked to the doctor in the meantime and he insisted on sending Emma to a psychiatric clinic for her own good. Regina knew he was right in his opinion but she also knew how much Emma hated to be locked away like that. She had been through it more times than anybody her age should have been. So for maybe the first time in Regina's career she felt torn and conflicted.

When the doctor had left the room, Emma finally blinked her eyes open. She understood she was in a hospital within seconds because she heard all the damn beeping machines surrounding her and then there was that smell. Nothing smelled as bad as a hospital room.

"Ruby why won't you just let me die?" Emma complained and turned around, surprised to see her therapist in the room with her and not her friend. "Regina? What are you doing here?"

Emma's heart started to beat faster as she met Regina's eyes. She looked as beautiful as always and she didn't want anything more than to taste those lips of hers. She shook her head and looked down on her hands. Even looking at her was difficult. Why was that?

"I'm here because Ruby called me..She told me what had happened. And I have never been more afraid Miss swan..." Emma sighed because hearing she had made Regina afraid almost hurt as much as the miscarriage had. How? And why?

Emma had grown fond of Regina over these couple of months and even if she had wanted to talk to Ruby about it, she had been to afraid to do so. She couldn't risk losing Regina but she knew she still couldn't continue seeing her as her therapist either because these feelings she had for her, they were wrong and seriously fucking with Emma's head.

The blonde had never loved anyone before and yet here she laid in her hospital bed, almost sure about the fact that she had feelings for the woman who was her therapist. Add a miscarriage and a failed suicide attempt to the list as well and you had Emma, the blonde thought. She wanted to scream but she was left speechless.

Regina studied the young girl in front of her. She was lost in her own thoughts and Regina knew she was as well. She wondered what the hell she was supposed to do about all this. She clearly had feelings for the blonde, the girl who had told her she wasn't capable of loving someone, at least not Ruby who was in love with her.

If Emma was getting committed to a psychiatric clinic, Regina knew she would get another therapist and that meant she would probably never meet Emma again. So she decided to be crazy and she would either get rejected or not.

"Let me help you," Regina whispered and pressed her lips gently against Emma's. To Regina's surprise the blonde didn't push her away as she had thought. No. Instead she had grabbed Regina's blouse, dragging her closer and deepening the kiss.


	4. Chapter 4

******TRIGGERWARNINGS *****

Emma's eyes widened as she suddenly realized what was happening. She pushed Regina backwards and felt her heart beat so hard, she was sure it would jump out of her chest at any given moment.

"I, no.. I can't," Emma said with a shaking voice and didn't even meet Regina's eyes. Truth be told, the blonde just wanted to kiss her again but she was too afraid. She couldn't do this.

Emma knew she was an emotional wreck now and even if she knew she had been growing fond of her therapist over these months, she couldn't risk anything. And Emma knew that this all could possibly risk fucking up her friendship with Ruby. And Emma couldn't lose her. No.. . She was the only reason she even was alive. And she had helped Emma with so much. She couldn't risk Ruby.

Regina shook her head at herself. She had done exactly what she always told her patients not to. She had acted on her feelings. She watched as Emma pulled away and felt a bit of her own heart shatter.

"I'm sorry Miss Swan," Regina said and the young girl finally looked up at her with a conflicted look in her eyes.

Regina knew she had crossed the line by kissing Emma. She could even lose her job if anyone found out about this, but she couldn't help herself. She had never felt as strongly for anyone else before like she had for this troubled girl.

"So, are they sending me away to some institution now?" Emma sighed and Regina tugged on her under lip. Had it been anyone else but Emma in that bed, she would have gone with the doctor's recommendation. But not now. She had learned over time as Emma's therapist that that would only make matters worse.

So when Regina shook her head at Emma, the blonde frowned. She looked surprised over Regina's answer.

"I can't still be your therapist though Emma Swan, but before I let you go I can make sure you get one of my colleagues as your new one and I can make sure you won't get sent away but what happens after that is out of my control," Regina said with a cold, almost emotionless voice, even if she was slowly falling apart on the inside at the thought of not seeing Emma anymore.

"Okay…" the blonde replied carefully as she watched Regina stand up. But before she left she pressed a light kiss on Emma's cheek.

"Good bye Miss Swan."

The doctor had been surprised when Regina had decided to not agree with his recommendation, but decided not to ask why. He had just met Emma and Regina had been treating her for months so he had merely nodded before the therapist had left his office in a rush, saying she had an important meeting back at her office.

But she didn't.

When Regina reached her car she broke down. She gripped the steering wheel and let the tears come. She hadn't cried like this since her sister and mother had died but in some way, losing Emma almost hurt more. How that was even possible, Regina couldn't understand but she was too upset to even try to understand.

Emma was released from the hospital a couple of days later. She had gotten prescribed antidepressants and been remitted to a new therapist. Ruby couldn't understand why, but she had decided not to ask even it she suspected there was more to the story than Emma had told her. But for now, she didn't push.

Ruby decided to take a leave of absence from work for a month. She left her company in her grandmother's hands so she could let go of work completely. Her grandmother was not the boss you wanted to make upset so Ruby knew the company was in good hands. And Emma needed her more.

Emma got sleeping pills prescribed as well but they didn't work, so the young girl didn't get more than a couple of hours of sleep every night. And that was if she was lucky. Ruby had gotten Emma to sleep in her bedroom, and even it the blonde had been skeptical to the whole idea at first, she had understood she couldn't function without Ruby by her side.

Emma suffered from nightmares every night and the doctor had told Ruby that she was probably suffering from ptsd after the miscarriage, so the redhead was woken up at least once a night by Emma's screams. It took a real toll on her but she refused to let that show. She had to be strong for Emma, she had to.

Regina had made sure she left Emma Swan in trustworthy hands and had gotten her good colleague and friend Kathryn Nolan to take over as Emma's therapist. It was a risky move though and after her first session, Kathryn had knocked on Regina's door.

"Come in," she said and felt a lump in her throat as she saw her friend close the door behind her.

"Regina," Kathryn smiled and sat down in front of her. "I just have a question for you and I hope I can get an honest answer, since we have been friends for so many years, yes?"

"It depends what you're about to ask me," Regina said with a smirk and her friend couldn't help but chuckle.

"Don't go all therapist on me Reg, okay?" Kathryn said and Regina took off her glasses and leaned back in the chair.

"Why did you insist that I should take over Emma Swan's case?"


	5. Chapter 5

**** TRIGGERWARNINGS ****

Emma groaned as she opened her eyes. She was still trying to get her medication right and it was just making her feel nauseous and dizzy. Ruby tried her best to support her but they weren't getting along for the moment at all. The medication made Emma lash out and Ruby, who wasn't working for the moment, made sure she was still away at least a couple of hours each day.

She had started to think moving Emma into her place had been a terrible idea but she couldn't do anything about that now. And Ruby knew _her_ Emma was still there, deep inside. This wasn't her. It was all those stupid medications to blame.

"Excuse me?" Regina snapped and tried to look angry, but she failed miserably. Kathryn knew her too well and could tell that she was just putting on an act. And well, it didn't work on her.

"Regina, I know you. Tell me the truth as to why you insisted that it be me to take on Emma." Kathryn pushed on and studied her friend. Regina sighed and hid her head in her hands. She trusted Kathryn but at the same time she knew she was one for gossip and if their boss, Mr Gold, heard as much as a whisper about this her career would be ruined. There was so much at stake for a blonde she even didn't even have any further contact with.

But it was eating her up on the inside. So she decided to look up and meet Kathryn's eyes.

"I have feelings for her okay? I know it's against all protocols and I feel terrible for it. That's why I can't treat her anymore…" Regina's voice was shaking and she was close to crying. She was surprised when Kathryn, instead of yelling at her, leaned forward to her phone and pressed a button.

"Yes Miss Mills?" Belle answered in the speaker and Regina frowned.

"Belle, it's Mrs Nolan. Can you please cancel my and miss mills appointments this afternoon?"

"Of course Mrs Nolan. I will give the clients a notice right now," Belle replied and Kathryn smiled at Regina as she answered the assistant.

"Thank you so much Belle. That will be all."

Kathryn offered Regina her hand and the brunette was still confused. What was even going on?

"Come now Regina. We need a drink, both of us."

When Ruby came home she was surprised by the smell of food filling her nose. She hung up her jacket and walked into the kitchen where Emma was busy chopping vegetables.

"You're cooking?" was the first and only thing Ruby managed to get out and the blonde turned around and met her with a small smile. "Yeah I thought I needed to make up for being such a bitch in the past couple of days I guess," Emma shrugged, before Emma literally attacked her friend with an enormous hug.

"I'm so sorry for my behavior Ruby. Please forgive me," Emma sobbed and buried her head in Ruby's long hair. The redhead tightened the hug and felt the tears burning in her eyes.

"Shhh it's okay Ems. You're doing your best and these medications are gonna make you better as soon as you find the right dosage, okay?" Emma nodded with her face still buried in her friends hair before Ruby cupped her head in her hand.

"And I know how hard this miscarriage took a toll on you. It did on me as well."

 _Emma was pregnant in the third month and she had started to develop quite the baby bump. And God how she loved it. She was really looking forward to becoming a mother and especially now when she knew she would have the opportunity to actually give the kid a good life. And Ruby was almost even more eager than the blonde for the baby. She had already gone bananas and insisted to start renovating one of the smaller rooms in her apartment to a nursery and when the kid was bigger he would get a bigger room._

 _Life was almost starting to feel normal for Emma and it was an odd, yet wonderful feeling. She was looking through the clothes Ruby's grandmother had knitted for the kid. There were small socks, shirts, booties and caps. Ruby had even bought the smallest pair of Nike shoes._

Emma pulled away and leaned against the counter with her back and let out a big breath. Ruby gave her a crooked smile as she walked up to her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"It's gonna get better Emma. I promise. Just keep fighting okay?" the blonde nodded but at the same time she was so tired of fighting. Especially when she had gotten the taste for a short time where she had actually not just existed, but also lived.

"What can I get you, love?" the bartender named Killian asked as he saw Regina and Kathryn sit down by the bar. He had never seen them around here because they weren't his regular type of customers. These were two women who had money so he didn't understand what they were even doing at this sleazy place but he wasn't the one to judge.

"Two glasses of your best red wine," Regina said but before Killian had even got the chance to give her a reply, Kathryn interrupted by a wave with her hand.

"Make that a bottle," she smirked and he nodded and disappeared to the back.

Regina almost downed her first glass of wine at once before her friend stopped her and gave her a curious but almost worried look.

"Now talk."

"What should I say more than I have feelings for a broken girl?" Regina shrugged and downed the last of her glass and poured another. Kathryn frowned as she suddenly realized how hurt her friend was looking. She decided her usually snarky humour wasn't suitable now and cleared her throat.

"Have you met her after she was at the hospital?" Kathryn asked carefully.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because…" Regina shrugged and tried to find the right words but she couldn't. Her mind went blank.

"If you really have feelings for this girl Regina, don't let her slip through your fingers," Kathryn said and reached for her friend's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

They had been friends for almost 10 years and Kathryn had never heard Regina mention anyone special. She was a loner who dedicated her life to her work. She had never told her if she liked either guys or women but that she now apparently was gay, didn't bother Kathryn. She just wanted Regina to be happy, even if she didn't see Emma as her happy ending. But she wasn't the one to judge or decide what Regina wanted, so she kept her own feelings and thoughts to herself. At least for now.

"How is Emma even doing?" Regina asked, even if she knew Kathryn wasn't supposed to even mention her name to her. It was confidential but then again, they were best friends and Regina just wanted to hear that the young girl that had gotten under her skin so badly, was doing better.

"She's hanging in there," Kathryn answered with a smile. "She's a tough one but she has gone through a lot considering her young age."

Regina nodded with a big sigh as she took a sip of her wine. She had not just admitted her feelings for a former patient but also that she was gay and her friend had handled it seemingly well.

After the food Ruby and Emma had ended up on each side of Ruby's big couch. The blonde was half asleep, with her old phone in her hands. The redhead had offered many times to buy her a new one but she had declined every time. So Ruby had just decided to let it be, at least until the phone broke down completely and that was just a matter of time.

Emma felt proud of herself for cooking and even more proud of the fact she had been chopping up food with a sharp knife without ending up cutting herself. She still had a long way to go before she was feeling better but she was at least doing her best. Suddenly her phone pinged and she felt her heart in her throat as she read:

"A new message request from Regina Mills"


	6. Chapter 6

****** TRIGGERWARNINGS *****

Regina was drunk when she stumbled inside her apartment. Her mind was racing and all she thought of was Emma. She had never wanted to speak to someone as much but she knew she would fuck up every chance she had if she had listened to Kathryn and actually gone over to Emma and Ruby's place. She chose a more discreet method to contact the blonde and if she didn't want to reply to that it was a much easier way to get turned down than if she was standing eye to eye with her.

Regina threw off her high heels just inside the door and changed from her snobby dress to a pair of sweatpants and a pajama shirt even if it wasn't that late in the evening. But she was drained as she sunk down in her armchair and turned on some music. The therapist picked up her phone and it didn't take long before she found Emma on Facebook.

At first she had intended to send her a friend request but changed her mind at the last minute. That could pop up on Emma's time line and that meant Ruby could see it as well. It was too risky. So instead, she wrote Emma on messenger.

 **Regina Mills -** Hi Emma. I hope you're doing better since the last time I saw you. I can't get you out of my mind but I'm terribly sorry for upsetting you. And I'm not quite sure why I'm even writing this either. :/

Emma couldn't believe her eyes. Regina had written a message to her. The beautiful woman she had turned down that day at the hospital because she had panicked. But she hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since then. Emma had never thought she would hear anything from her ever again and yet she had just contacted her. How should she answer?

Regina laid down her phone as she seen that Emma at least had accepted her message request and read it. She knew she wouldn't reply so when the phone suddenly pinged Regina flinched.

 _ **Emma Swan -**_ _Hi Regina. I guess I'm still hanging in there, so to speak, but it's hard. My new therapist is great but I miss talking to you. And seeing you and hearing your beautiful voice. I'm sorry for giving you mixed signals but I have never had feelings for anyone before and when I turned you down that day after the miscarriage and my suicide attempt I was scared I was gonna lose Ruby if she found out I have feelings for you…_

 _Ruby has given so me much throughout the years and I feel terrible for not being able to return her feelings. . And then you turned up and completely turned my world upside down. It just felt so wrong to her and I can't risk losing her. Had it not been for her I would have committed suicide so many years ago._

Regina read the message over and over again. She could almost feel how the words were dripping with anxiety and that made the therapist feel even worse. Of course Emma wouldn't risk her and Ruby's friendship for her. What was she even thinking? But her gut told her to keep going, so that she did. .

 _ **Regina mills -**_ _I don't blame you for anything Emma. I would never do such a thing. And well, my timing wasn't that good to begin with considering the circumstances.._

 _I know that you don't have anyone else other than Ruby and I understand completely what you are saying. As a therapist I mean. Ruby is your whole life. I understand that and I'm sorry for putting you through even more chaos. Have a good life Emma Swan._

Emma groaned. Regina was just crawling under her skin even more. She felt her heart beating so hard it almost felt like she was about to have an anxiety attack. She put her phone in her pocket and said to Ruby that she just needed to be alone for a couple of minutes on the balcony. Ruby had given her a concerned look and Emma had promised to not try anything stupid. It broke the blonde's heart for what she was putting Ruby through. And then this… What it now was with Regina? It was almost too much.

 _ **Emma Swan -**_ _I didn't tell you to stop writing me Regina. It's just a fucked up situation, but who but not me to live through another one?_

The therapist shook her head and wrote the next message with a smirk.

 _ **Regina Mills -**_ _Well how about coffee at my place tomorrow then?_


	7. Chapter 7

***** TRIGGERWARNINGS ******

When ruby woke up the TV was showing some stupid commercials and she was alone. The redhead shrugged but when she stood up she panicked, suddenly realizing that the last time she had talked to Emma had been before she had walked out on the balcony. Ruby was just about to run over to the door but then she heard Emma snore from the guest room and she let out a big breath. Ruby shook her head and walked over to the door and smiled at the sight. Emma was looking so peaceful.

Ruby walked up to her bedroom and climbed under the covers. The redhead sighed as she laid her head on the pillow. Ruby's mind was racing and she groaned. Emma was, of course, the one screwing with her head, as always. Being friends with her had always been tough considering Ruby's feelings for her, but now, when Emma was living under the same roof, that was almost torture to her.

"Fuck Rubes, get over her already!" the redhead groaned as the room went black.

In some way Ruby had always thought she and Emma would end up together, and that kiss they shared a while back had been the happiest minutes of the redheads life. But of course Emma had turned her down, just like she had done so many times before. Ruby had tried to shrug it off but it was becoming harder to do so. However at the same time she couldn't blame her blonde friend. Ruby was the only one Emma had and she understood why she didn't want to risk their friendship and neither wanted Ruby. But she was at least sure of what she felt. Emma wasn't.

Ruby tossed and turned for hours until sleep finally finally came to her.

The next day Emma had another appointment with her new therapist Kathryn. She was good and Emma liked her. And they had made much progress, but she wasn't Regina. She didn't share stories about her life like Regina had. Kathryn was the typical textbook therapist and it was almost boring from time to time. Emma just missed Regina.

When the session was over Emma almost tripped over herself when she hurried out of her therapist's office. Kathryn raised an eyebrow and wondered if Regina had taken the bull by the horns so to speak. She hoped so, even if she wasn't entirely sure Emma was the best girlfriend material for Regina. They were from two completely different worlds and besides that, Emma had deep rooted problems and many suicide attempts in her baggage.

Regina was a sensitive woman even if she didn't let that show, but Kathryn knew her and she was worried Emma could break her completely if something happened. It made Kathryn anxious. So fucking anxious.

Emma hurried down to the parking garage where she and Regina had decided to meet up. The blonde shivered as she came down in the dark garage though, because this type of environment didn't bring back good memories. She had gotten raped in a garage like this.

"Miss Swan, over here," a voice suddenly called out and the young girl snapped back to reality. She saw Regina standing next to a black Lexus as she was waving to her. Emma grinned and upped her pace.

Regina offered Emma a small smile before they both got into the car. Emma sat in silence in the car and tugged on her lower lip. And when they got out on the freeway, Regina looked over at the blonde next to her. She felt the nervous energy as she reached for Emma's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. The blonde looked up and met her beautiful eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked carefully and sincerely. Emma just nodded a simple yes, even if she was scared shitless by this whole situation. But she didn't want to talk about that. At least not right now. Thankfully, Regina understood that and returned her attention to the road in front of them.

Emma almost gasped when Regina pulled up outside of an enormous house in the countryside. It was absolutely breathtaking.

"Do you live here?!" Emma asked and almost ran out of the car.

"Yes Miss swan. I live here," Regina chuckled, a bit amused by the young girl's almost childlike behavior.

"Wow it's really beautiful," Emma smiled when she met Regina's eyes.

"Do you remember when I told you about my childhood home my father was forced to sell?"

"Yeah" Emma replied, turning her eyes back to the enormous house.

"I bought it back a couple of years ago. And it's finally finished. So, welcome to my home Emma."

Just hearing Regina call her Emma, made the blonde almost weak to her knees. But then again, just hearing Regina's voice was like music to her.

"Follow me please," she said and Emma hurried to keep up with the older woman's pace. How she could walk so fast in heels was a mystery to the blonde.

Regina opened the front door and Emma gasped yet again. The hall was light and full of old pictures the blonde assumed was of Regina's family and her horse she had told her about. She continued to follow Regina inside and the house was really beautiful.

Ruby didn't like the thought of Emma being out on her own even if it was in the middle of the day. She had grown quite protective over her, but despite that, it wasn't like Ruby could forbid her. A sudden knock on the door caught her attention and she almost ran to the door, dreading it was the police on the other side, telling her Emma was dead. She opened the door as she held her breath.

"Mary Margaret?" Ruby snarled and gave her former friend a suspected look. "What do you want?"

"I'm here about Emma," she huffed and Ruby gritted her teeth, blocking the door with her arm.

"I'm not interested in hearing your fucking opinions about her Mary Margaret, didn't I make myself clear the last time I practically asked you to go to hell?!"

"Red please listen to me.." the pixie brunette almost begged and Ruby rolled her eyes but finally opened the door enough to let her in.

"I give you five minutes, and after that I don't want to see your face ever again," Ruby said over her shoulder as they walked inside the kitchen.

Ruby might despise Mary Margaret but she still had manners so she poured them each a cup of coffee.

"So speak," the redhead huffed as they sat down by the table.

"I overreacted the last time we spoke Red, I know that, but that's because I care so much about you and… "

"Cut the bullshit and just tell me what you really want to say," Ruby said with a low growl in her voice, so Mary Margaret finally cleared her throat and started to tell her where she had seen Emma earlier that day.

She told her about seeing Regina Mills and Emma getting into the same car together and ruby gasped. She also told Ruby she had seen Regina kiss Emma when she had walked by the blonde's door as she was working at the hospital. The very same hospital Emma had been to that awful day Ruby tried to forget.

The redhead became quiet and tried to find the right words. She hadn't told anyone about Emma's hospital visits, not even her grandmother, so how Mary Margaret knew all this meant she had to be telling the truth.

And she knew the pixie brunette had a parking space in the large and quite expensive parking garage in the middle of the city and well, Ruby guessed Regina did too as her work was close.

After a minute of silence, Mary Margaret met Ruby's eyes and she saw how hurt she was.

"I don't know what Emma thinks of you, but Red, I'm not stupid. I know you have feelings for her, right?" Once again Ruby was speechless. Only her granny knew about her feelings for Emma and she wasn't the one to gossip.

Emma sunk down in the enormous coach and smiled at Regina. Both of them were looking like small school girls, blushing at each other. Regina studied Emma's arms and smiled to herself when she realized the scars had faded. That was a good sign but then she shook her head. She didn't have to behave like a therapist now. But she couldn't help herself because she hadn't gotten much information from Kathryn yesterday at the bar.

"It's nice to see you again Miss Swan," Regina said and broke the silence.

"Yeah.. I mean...It's good to see you ehm," Emma replied with a nervous smile and yet again Regina chuckled at her behavior. Sometimes Emma behaved like a normal teenage girl but often not. She had lived through so many horrible things that her behavior often gave the impression she was so much older. That made Regina's smile fade quite fast.

Emma tugged on her under lip. She didn't understand why she was so nervous because she had gone to Regina for months. They knew each other and neither of them had been this quiet but the blonde guessed it was because now they weren't therapist and patient. Now they were… _what?_


	8. Chapter 8

*****TRIGGERWARNINGS ******

"Ugh I hate that you know me so well," Ruby said with a shrug as Mary Margaret offered her a small smile. It was true. They had been friends since they were kids.

"I just don't want you to get hurt Red, and I'm concerned about what Emma is doing."

"I know it's fucked up that I have feelings for her but I can't help myself… fuck.." Ruby said and felt her whole heart break. What was going on?

Emma had always said she couldn't return Ruby's feelings because she didn't know _how_ to love. And now Emma was sneaking around with her former therapist? This wasn't logical but most things with Emma weren't.

The redhead dragged her fingers through her hair and leaned back in her chair. Why hadn't Emma at least mentioned something? Anything? They were still best friends, right? And Ruby, who had helped her with so much! But even if she was hurting, she couldn't be angry with Emma. She just loved her too much..

Mary Margaret stuck around for a couple of hours. They talked about their last argument and decided to forget that and agreed to give their friendship another chance. Ruby had never seen this human side of the pixie brunette, but it made her happy. And before they said goodnight, Mary Margaret gave Ruby a bear hug and said, "Don't forget yourself in all this, okay? And call me if you need someone to talk to."

Ruby didn't even reply to the words, she had just shrugged as she closed the door. Right after the door was closed, she sunk down on the floor and broke down in tears. She didn't even know why she reacted like she did because it wasn't like Emma had cheated on her because they were still only friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.

But Ruby couldn't help herself. She still hoped to the very end that Emma would return her feelings. That they would end up together, but now? Nothing would ever ever happen. Ruby felt the sadness quickly change to anger as she realized that the kiss between Emma and Regina had occurred when the blonde had still been her patient. That meant Ruby had an opportunity to crush Regina Mills if she wanted.

Emma had a good time with Regina but she was still anxious. Emma felt cornered in a way. She was still freaking out about not having any way to escape from here on her own. She had been able to push away that feeling all day but now it was taking a big toll on her.

They had been down to the little beach and said hello to Regina's horses and when they came up to the house again, Emma couldn't pretend to be okay anymore. The feeling of being trapped finally triggered her to have a anxiety attack.

Regina quickly sensed the sudden energy change and grabbed Emma's arm, making the blonde turn around and meet her eyes. The therapist could read the young girl like an open book. She knew what Emma wanted to do to herself right now, but Regina refused to let that happen.

Emma cursed under her breath and wished Regina would just let her go. She longed for the razor blade she had in her pocket but she knew the therapist recognized the look in her eyes.

"Please…" Emma whispered but Regina didn't obey, no. Instead she dragged the troubled girl into a tight hug. While in the older woman's arms, she started to shake like a leaf.

"Breathe dear, deep breaths. That's right. Just breathe with me. I believe in you Emma. You are strong."

The blonde pushed the therapist backwards with a strength she didn't even know she possessed and met Regina with a dark look that showed of her anxiety even more.

"Take me home." Emma said with a shaking voice and Regina just nodded at her, wondering if she had crossed the line yet again by hugging the young girl.

Neither Emma nor Regina said a word on the car ride home and Emma didn't even say goodbye to her when she dropped the blonde off a block away from Ruby's place. Emma had just closed the car door behind her with a big bang. The therapist just shook her head and wondered if she should end this, what it now was, with Emma before it was too late. But she couldn't. Her feelings were already too strong.

When Emma came home her anxiety level was so high she hardly managed to unlock the door. Ruby who was on her way into the kitchen, turned around and smiled when she saw Emma, but she quickly understood something wasn't right with her friend.

Emma almost smashed into Ruby and her friend embraced her in a tight hug.

"Ems what's wrong?" Ruby asked anxiously as the blonde looked up and met her worried eyes. Emma was having so many flashbacks that were spinning in her mind at the moment, taunting her, that it almost made her sick to her stomach.

She was thinking of the rape. The parking garage today had been the first trigger but the biggest trigger had been feeling trapped at Regina's farm, even if she knew the older woman would never harm her. She knew that deep down, but it didn't matter. Her demons were laughing at her and Emma knew she had to take back control over her body again.

Emma had actually not pictured herself having sex ever again. But she needed to, or else she would never get rid of that disgusting feeling of that old man's hands all over her body.

Ruby wasn't ready at all when she felt Emma's lips smash against hers and even if she was in heaven right now, she knew she couldn't be selfish and take advantage of her best friend. Not now. Something wasn't right so Ruby gently pushed Emma backwards and looked at her.

"You know how much I want this Ems, but you're not sure and I don't want you to do anything you're gonna regret."

"Please Rubes. I need you."

It at least sounded like Emma actually wanted this, so Ruby scooped up the shaking blonde in her arms, who cuddled close to her and then she carried Emma to the bedroom.

Ruby was so careful. Gentle. And she let Emma be the one in charge. But the redhead couldn't help but feel bad for all this. What had happened to her beloved Emma today, that made her need Ruby's touch in this way? She seemed so troubled but Ruby couldn't stop herself from this. She was too caught up in her own arousal as she watched her friend slip out of her tank top and unhook her bra. Ruby licked her lips at the sight. God how beautiful Emma was.

"You're perfect," Ruby purred as Emma pressed her lips against hers.

Emma rolled down on the bed as Ruby straddled her hips. Their eyes met for a short second.

"Are you okay?" Ruby asked carefully but Emma didn't answer. She just sat up and pressed her lips against Ruby's before she laid down again. The redhead grinned and took off her shirt and threw it on the floor. She took Emma's kiss as a yes.

She was aware of not getting too caught up in the moment. Ruby didn't want to make Emma feel forced into anything so she asked over and over again if she was okay. Emma didn't say anything but every time, she received a gentle kiss. Emma was blown away by how careful Ruby was. She treated her so gentle.

Ruby knew Emma hadn't been touched in this way since the rape so she could easily get a panic attack if Ruby got too rough. But Ruby didn't. Even if she had wanted this for years. She wanted Emma to understand how much she loved her.

After they had slept together Ruby fell asleep like a log next to the blonde, with a big grin on her face. Emma, on the other hand laid awake and stared up at the ceiling, feeling the sudden urge to cut herself again. She tossed and turned, trying to fight the darkness inside, but after a couple of hours she finally gave up.

Emma quietly rose up from the bed and tiptoed into the bedroom on the first floor and closed the door carefully behind her. With a big sigh she opened her hand were she held her beloved razor blade. She felt the strong need of it as she sat down on the floor, her head against the bathtub.

When she pressed the razor blade against her skin, she felt how she suddenly could breathe again. It was such a wonderful feeling and when her whole thigh was full of bleeding cuts she felt so alive. So real. With a big grin on her face, she laid the razor blade on the floor and closed her eyes. Just enjoying the feeling.

She hadn't cut herself in a while now but she didn't care this time. She needed this. So badly. And it wasn't like it was the first time the urge had finally won and she had relapsed. Emma just told herself she didn't deserve any better than this. She was too lost in her own darkness to be saved.

She knew that.


	9. Chapter 9

Regina barely got inside her city apartment before she felt how much she missed Emma's bare presence. But at the same time she cursed herself for taking Emma to her country home. It had obviously triggered the young girl in some way, maybe the bare thought of not having an escape route. Why hadn't she taken Emma to her apartment instead?

Regina had just thought Emma would like the sudden change of environment, but now the therapist regretted her decision terribly. So, with a groan she walked inside the kitchen and poured herself a big glass of wine

She sat down on her couch and took a big sip as she thought if it was a good idea to get involved with Emma. Or should she back out before she was too deep in? With a head shake she grabbed her phone and dialed Kathryn's number.

Kathryn came over quite fast since she lived close to Regina. She was so curious that she almost burst, but as soon as she entered the big apartment she frowned. Regina didn't met her by the door like always nor did she offer her a drink. Instead she just sat on her couch. Quiet.

"Reg?" she asked and walked carefully up to her friend. Regina met her concerned look and Kathryn saw she'd been crying.

"Aw my darling. Come here," Kathryn said and embraced her friend in a tight hug. It was hurtful to see Regina this upset. She hadn't looked this broken in years. She was a strong and intelligent woman. A warrior. But seeing her like this was painful because she looked like that teenage girl who had just found her sister dead.

Ruby smiled when she woke up with Emma by her side. She kissed the blonde in her neck and embraced her in a hug. The blonde stretched her whole body like a cat and ruby chuckled at the reaction.

"Good morning Swan," Ruby said and Emma turned around and met her look. "Are you okay with what happened yesterday… Between us?"

Emma tugged on her lower lip and shrugged. She wasn't sure and the cuts on her thigh were a reminder of her insecurity. Ruby noticed the unsure look in Emma's eyes as she stroked her cheek.

"I don't know." Emma replied and looked away, but felt Ruby's finger under her chin, making her meet her eyes again.

"Care to tell me what happened yesterday that lead to this?" Ruby asked carefully, but Emma pulled away and sat up in the bed, hiding her head in her hands.

Ruby sat up and swung her arm around her friend and Emma laid her head on her shoulder.

"You don't have to if you don't want to, you know that right?" the redhead said with a warm voice. "I just care about you Ems."

"I know…" Emma replied with a shaking voice. Ruby was still naked as she suddenly realized the blonde had both a shirt and pants on. Why?

Ruby felt her heart in her throat as she wondered if the blonde had snuck out in the middle of the night to hurt herself. She cast a fast look on her wrists but they remained untouched. That meant Emma had probably cut herself in her leg. Ruby decided not to ask. Instead she grinned at Emma.

"What do you say about breakfast in town with granny?"

Emma really liked Eugenia. She was so sweet and warm and the young girl knew were Ruby had got her wonderful personality from. The old woman met up with them at one of Ruby's cafes and smiled at them as they joined her at the table.

"Oh Emma, it has been too long," the old woman chuckled and gave Emma a small hug. Emma didn't really like physical contact but she couldn't help but snuggle close. She had never had a grandmother and loved Eugina to pieces.

Ruby smiled at the sight since she knew how much Emma loved her grandmother and the readhead knew the feeling was mutual. She asked what the two wanted to eat and drink and went to the kitchen to fix the orders. Maybe she was this big boss person by now but she wasn't afraid of getting her hands dirty once in awhile. It was one of the reasons her employees loved her.

"You look good Emma," Eugenia said with a gentle tone. "Are you doing okay?"

"I guess. But it's tough. But one day at a time huh?" Emma said with a shrug.

"Oh that's so true my dear girl. And I hope Ruby takes good care of you, hm?" Emma nodded a yes and Eugenia smiled at her.

"I'm so sad about your miscarriage though Emma. I was looking forward to being a grandmother to a little sweet kid." The mention of the miscarriage made the young girl's heart start to beat like crazy as she reached down in her pocket and wrapped her hand around the box with her razors in. It made her at least a bit calmer. But not enough. So she suddenly stood to her feet and Granny gave her a worried look.

"I'm sorry. I I… I gotta go"

*******"

"Well what do you know, the boss is here to work her half hour of the month!" a waitress teased before she attacked Ruby with a hug.

"Oh shut it Zelena or I'll fire your ass!" Ruby smirked at the waitress.

"Yeah like you would fire your best employee Rubes. I don't think so," Zelena chuckled and jumped up at the counter. She had been flirting with her boss for months but Ruby sadly only had eyes for Emma. That annoyed the hell out of waitress.

"So, you still obsessed with that orphan girl?" Zelena asked curiously. She had known Ruby a couple of years and was the only employee that dared to talk to the boss like that.

"Her name is Emma you know Zee, okay?" Ruby shot back as she gave Zelena a glare.

"Any action yet then?"

"Urgh you just want gossip about your boss now, don't you?" Ruby asked as she crossed her arms.

Zelena was her best employee and she was a waitress she sent away to those cafés she owned that for some reason didn't do well, because Zelena was so damn good with coaching people and she really had a way to turn people around. But she had been hitting on Ruby for a long time now and it annoyed the redhead. Why couldn't she just get the message. That she wasn't interested.

When Ruby returned to the table she almost dropped her plates as she realized her grandmother was sitting there by her own. And the troubled look she had in her eyes only made matters worse.

"Where… Where's Emma? " Ruby stuttered. "Where the hell is she?!"

"Don't take that tone with me!"

"I'm sorry.. But please granny, tell me where she went!"

"She just stormed out. I tried to stop her but she slipped out of my grip…"

Fuck!


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for any misspellings or grammar mistakes. I wrote this chapter without letting my BETA go over it but I couldn't stop myself from posting it now. Hope you like it. And yeah, prepare for a hell of drama.**

Emma just panicked. She ran and stumbled out into the streets, accidentally smashing into a man that snarled at her. She didn't care go though, she just ran as she could. Even if her tigh was hurting like hell as the freshly new cuts pressed against her jeans.

When she eventually stopped, Emma realized she was in a old alley she had been living in for a couple of months ago. A scream escaped her lips as she sat down on a old staircase and buried her head in her hands. Her mind was going completely crazy as she thought of the baby she had lost. How she never would be able to hold him in her hands. It broke her down in a million pieces.

Ruby looked everywhere but Emma was nowhere to be found. It was like she had vanished into thin air. Ruby's stomach growled and her feet were hurting since she had been out for so long. But when it came to Emma, ruby could walk through fire.

When the thought of her beloved Emma being out alone in the streets entered her mind again, it sent a shiver down her spine, because ruby would never forgive herself if something happened to Emma. The only problem was that Emma had the upper hand. She knew every crack and corner of this city. Ruby did not. So either Emma didn't want to be found or something had happened to her. She hoped on the first alternative, obviously.

"fuck… Just come home…" ruby said to herself as she dragged her fingers through her hair as she finally decided to turn back home.

As the night slowly took over the town, Emma decided to go to a bar she used to visit frequently while living at the streets. It was a bad place to even walk by, but she was freezing and it was close by. She knew she should would have to go home soon, but she didn't have it in her to face ruby's worried eyes. Not yet.

As she was entered the bar she, felt how all the men stared at her. Undressing her with their eyes. Seeing her a nothing but a piece of fucking meat. Some even grinned at her because they recognized her. Emma had been a prostitute while living on the streets, but ruby didn't know about that. And Emma was determined to keep it that way.

She sat down by the bar and ordered a beer from the bartender as she took out a cigarette and lighted it. She wondered what she should do about all this. It felt like she was living a double life in some way. One life was with ruby. And the other one was with Regina. And in the middle Emma stood. Clueless. Afraid. Tired. Broken.

She wondered what the hell she was supposed to do about this whole mess. It would just be better for everyone if she wasn't alive. Right? Then ruby and Regina could move on with their lives. Emma shook her head at her thoughts before she downed her beer as she ordered another one. She knew that drinking probably wasn't a good idea, since she was eating medication but she didn't care. She had never cared about her own well-being. And probably never would.

As she ordered her third beer she suddenly heard a voice that made her forget to breath for a second. Emma wanted to run but she couldn't, because she just froze. She had hoped she would never see that fucking face of his again, but he yet her he was. And cornered her. Just like always.

"well well, aren't you looking fancy tonight, you little whore" he snarled as she met his dark eyes. Emma was facing the same disgusting piece of shit that had raped her all those months ago. God how she hated that smirk Robin had on his face. His voice. Just his bare presence.

"Leave me alone Robin.." Emma growled but her words only made him made him laugh.

"I'm surprised to see you alive, Emma. But then again, I'm not surprised you haven't been able to kill yourself. You're nothing but a worthless little whore!"

The next time Emma opened her eyes she was in a poorly lighted room. It almost looked like some kind of warehouse. She cursed under her breath and sat up, realizing that her hands were tied to a big pimp by the wall. _Fuck fuck fuck._

. Suddenly Robin entered the room with a big grin on her face and sat down in front of Emma on his knees.

"I heard I knocked you up last time but the rumors didn't seem to be true hm? "

"Please leave me alone Robin" Emma pleaded.

She was trapped. Cornered. And like always before. Alone. But she didn't have anyone else but herself to blame. She closed her eyes and tried to fight back the urge to cry.

"I SAID LOOK AT ME YOU BITCH!"

 _Robin had been Emma's pimp the last couple of months when she had lived on the streets. She had been living on welfare but the money always got delayed so she could never keep an apartment. She lived at different shelter and had been so fed up with it. So she had just been so desperate for money. She had heard about Robin from another girl and Emma thought to herself that nothing could be worse than it already was. Unfortunately it had._

 _Robin took her in, letting her have a room in his apartment even. Emma had never thought about why, she just guessed it was because she was the new girl. But it wasn't. Robin got this weird obsession with her some reason and she quickly saw what a psycho he actually was. While the other girls almost roamed the streets free, Emma was controlled._

 _Robin even went so far with this whole thing,that he followed her to her 'clients'. While they had sex, he waited outside in the car, smoking or drinking. Emma never had got to keep the money she made, because he took it from her as soon as she got paid. And if she for some reason needed money, she had to beg for it. Mostly he just laughed at her, calling her greedy because she was allowed to live with him rent free._

 _As the time passed, Robin eventually broke her and Emma lost who she was for a long time. The blonde was nothing else but his possession, and when she didn't make him happy, he hurt her in all kind of different ways. Emma wasn't a person anymore._

 _One day he finally allowed her to met ruby for a lunch. It had made the blonde so happy because she hadn't seen her best and only friend for what felt like, forever. Sadly ruby noticed immediately something odd with her though. Her behavior was so weird. But Emma refused to answer her questions, while ruby refused to let the subject go._

 _Ruby questioned why she hadn't been able to reach Emma for months, why her calls always went straight to voicemail and why on earth she was acting so weird. Emma had just shrugged. Eventually ruby gave up, because Emma wouldn't say anything._

 _Despite that, Emma knew Ruby was still thinking about all this and the blonde didn't blame her though. They had been best friends for so many years and ruby probably felt hurt over the fact that Emma was hiding something from her. It probably made ruby think Emma didn't trust her anymore, even if wasn't at all like that. She just didn't have the gut to tell the what actually was going on, because she refused to drag ruby into all this. Emma just had to figure this out on herself. If she only knew how…_

 _Then the day came, when Emma finally got fed up with it. She had bruises all over body and her arms were filled with cuts she had done with Robin's razor. She just had to get away from this, from here and from him, so when Robin laid passed out on the couch, she knew she had to act fast._

 _Emma grabbed a bag and packed the few clothes she had. When she was just about to leave, something on the kitchen table caught her attention. It was a huge pile of money, money that probably belonged to her. Emma tugged on her lower lip, trying to figure out what she should do. She could really need that money even if she knew she was playing with dangerous fire by taking it. But yet again, she risked her life if she stayed. So quickly she pushed the pile of money down into her bag and ran. She was finally free._

 _Sadly Robin had followed her without Emma noticing it and when it started to rain like crazy she took cover in a parking garage. It was then he had seen his chance to attack. hadn't had a chance to react before he had jumped her and struck her unconscious._

 _When she eventually blinked her eyes open again,she laid naked on the cement floor, while he was in the middle of raping her. Thankfully a car had suddenly showed up and Robin had lost his concentration for a minute. It gave Emma her chance to escape, so she kicked him in his crotch and just ran for her life._

A hard slap to Emma's face made her snap her eyes open. She saw Robin standing in front of her, gritting his teeth as he took a firm grip around her neck.

"when I tell you to do something, then you fucking do it, you fucking piece of shit!" he growled and Emma nodded a yes, gasping for air. "Good, then we're on the same page sweetie" he assed when he released his grip around her neck. _I'm fucked, ain't I?_ Emma thought to herself and hid her head in hands as she started to sob silently.


	11. Chapter 11

Emma tried to figure out an escape plan while Robin walked around in the room, mumbling about how she was his again. How he would put her to work as soon as she had taken her for a test ride. Emma shivered at the thought and hoped she didn't get knocked up, and the memory of that night she had fled from Robin started to spin around in her head. It had been one of the most horrible nights she she ever endured.

Sadly she hadn't just been raped by Robin that night. She had been raped by a drunk man, who she had accidentally stumbled onto when she had tried to find some alley to sleep in. So Emma didn't know who could have been her baby's father. But it hadn't mattered to her anyway.

Emma knew some people would get an abortion without a second thought after being raped, but not her. She guessed she couldn't end someone's life because of that. Because it's father had been a monster. She felt responsible and knew how it was to be thrown away, since she was an orphan. Emma swallowed hard when she thought about all this. It was hurting so much. She had planned on giving this baby the world. If she hadn't lost it like she had.

Suddenly Emma shook her head at her dark thoughts and decided to lay the little energy she had on coming up with an escape plan instead. Robin laughed at her as he loosened the ropes around her arms while Emma was too scared to move and this time around, she didn't have any strength left to try and run. But when he turned his attention to unzipping his pants, Emma quickly got an idea and grabbed her phone. How he hadn't noticed it, was a mysterium to her.

She put on her GPS and wrote Ruby a short message about her whereabouts before she put away the phone again. When Emma looked up, Robin grabbed her by her shirt and literally threw her down on the cement floor, and she banged her head hard. It was painful like hell, but she refused to let it show and give Robin that satisfaction.

Ruby had finally given up her search and declared herself defeated. She had been out the whole day looking for Emma. She groaned as she sat down in her couch, when suddenly her phone buzzed. She picked it up and saw it was a message from Emma, making her both relieved and terrified at the same time. She unlocked her screen and read:

"Emma : GPS screenshot. Call police."

Ruby felt her heart in her throat as she opened the picture and called the police on speaker phone.

"God how I missed having you as a punching bag Emma, but considering your fancy clothes you look to be taken care of. Another pimp maybe, Hm?" Robin taunted and grabbed Emma's shirt, dragging her close. She almost got nauseous at the smell of alcohol on his breath even if she herself was quite drunk foo. And she guessed being thrown against a hard cement floor didn't make it much better.

"Fuck you!" Emma growled, and Robin laughed at her.

"Ah there that little fire is. I remember when I broke you Emma. I can so so easily do that again."

He released his grip of her shirt and she fell to the floor with a bang, hitting her head even harder than before. She was about to pass out but she fought as best she could to keep awake. The memory of how bad he had hurt her the last time was still fresh in her mind.

And considering he had chosen a dark room in some abandoned warehouse this time made her anxious. She hoped Ruby got her message and would be there with the cops soon but she quickly understood she was gonna get raped before she got help.

Robin shook his head when he ripped Emma's new jeans to shreds and saw her cuts in her right thigh.

"You still cut yourself? And here I thought you couldn't get any more pathetic," he said with disgust in his voice as he straddled her hips. She felt his erection against her stomach and she tried to get loose from his grip. But it was useless. He just laughed at her and tied her hand together with a big grin on his face.

Emma felt how the tears in her eyes slowly started to fall down her cheeks, and she was cursing herself for giving him that satisfaction to see that he still scared the living shit out of her.

He ripped her t-shirt to shreds as well and let his hands grip her breasts before he pressed inside her and Emma screamed her lungs out. Which sadly only made him even more pleased with himself.

After Ruby called the police, she called Kathryn, Emma's therapist as well and told her she had finally found out where Emma was. Ruby told Kathryn she had called the police and promised she would call as soon as she knew any more information.

Kathryn sighed when she ended the call. She wrote down what Ruby had told her and ended the note with the word "suicide attempt?" before she closed Emma's journal. She clicked her pen a couple of times before she went against all her principles and all protocols as she called Regina about Emma.


	12. Chapter 12

Ruby frowned when she stepped out of her car at the crime scene. There was Police cars absolutely everywhere, but none of the police officers could tell her as much as a squeak. Ruby lighted a cigarette when she

suddenly saw a familiar face. _What the hell was Regina doing there?!_

It couldn't just be a simple coincidence. This wasn't a part of town people like her and Ruby would be, so it didn't add up. But Mary Margaret's story did though. Ruby gritted her teeth even more at the thought of that stupid therapist was out for Emma. **Her** Emma.

 _Emma couldn't bare to stay awake. She was too dizzy as she cried her eyes out. She suddenly heard Robin curse and then she blacked out. Emma was praying to God that the police would get to them in time. Unfortunately they didn't._

When Emma opened her eyes again she realized she was in Robin's filthy apartment. Her hands were tied to the bed frame and she was still wearing her ripped clothes. She felt the anxiety rise with every breath she took.

As Emma looked up she saw Robin sitting in a chair right next to the bed and when their eyes met he stood up and walked up to her. He slapped her straight in the face and Emma spat blood on the floor.

"You stupid fucking bitch!" he growled and hit her again. "You called the police on me somehow and you're gonna pay for that Emma. Mark my words! And besides that, you owe me quite the amount of money as well sweetheart. Money you fucking stole from me!"

Emma tugged on her lower lip and cursed herself for how this whole day had turned out. If she just had handled Eugenia's sincere question about how she was coping with the miscarriage and not run off like she had done, she wouldn't be in this mess right now. She wouldn't have been raped, she wouldn't be bleeding and she wouldn't be tied up. But she was. And she hated herself for it.

Then the thought of Ruby came to Emma's mind. She had to be so fucking worried by now and she didn't deserve this drama. Everyone would just be happier if Emma wasn't alive. So she met Robin's eyes yet again and spat at him right in his face, trying to get him aggravated. He could easily kill her if he wanted. Then he would just do her, as well the world, a huge favour.

Ruby snapped at the police officers before she walked up to Regina who was standing a bit down the street. Ruby's anger showed and that apparently spooked the older woman as she was about to jump into her car and drive off. But Ruby refused to let her flee so she upped her pace and ran up to the car. She banged on Regina's hood, finally making Regina step outside the car and face her.

But Ruby didn't let the therapist so much as open her mouth before she pushed her backwards against her car.

"What the fuck are you doing here?!" Ruby growled and quickly added, "And don't you fucking dare to give me some fucking therapist bullshit answer!"

Regina knew coming here was a bad idea. But she had panicked when Kathryn had called her about Emma. So Regina had only come to see that Emma was okay. She hadn't even thought of the possibility of running into Ruby and her reaction to Regina's presence made her confused. Then she remembered Emma had told her once about Ruby's feelings for her. Suddenly the redheads reaction made sense.

"Miss Lucas, please calm down!" Regina said and tried to take control of the situation but Ruby refused to back down.

"Tell me what the fuck you are doing here!" Ruby growled as she clenched her fists but before Regina could reply, a police officer ran up to them and dragged Ruby backwards.

Ruby turned around and realized it was her friend Graham who was standing in front of her. She tugged on her lower lip as he gave her a concerned look. He knew Ruby had always had quite the temper. They were old childhood friends.

"Ruby go home. You're only making matters worse by behaving like this, you know that," he said with a demanding tone and Ruby shot Regina a warning glare.

"Back off from Emma. You don't know her like I do. And besides that, I know that you kissed her that day at the hospital!" Ruby snapped and Regina froze in her spot. How could she possibly know that?

Ruby took a step closer with a mischievous grin on her lips. She saw how nervous Regina was by now. So Ruby lowered her voice and decided to give her a final warning. "And if I even see you so much as look in Emma's direction, I'm gonna crush you. Like a fucking bug under my boots. Trust me."

With those words Ruby walked back to her car with officer Graham. He gave her a another worried look as they reached her red suv.

"You should be careful with your words Ruby, you know if it had been another cop that had seen and heard you, you would have surely been arrested you know?"

"I know. But ugh, it's just such a fucked up situation Graham.." Ruby shrugged.

"I guess it's about a certain girl huh?" Graham asked carefully.

"Yeah.. Did you find her in there? Did you find my Emma?"

Graham took off his hat as he shook his head.

"Did you find anything helpful then?" Ruby asked with a shaking voice, feeling how close she was to crying.

"I don't know. But they're inside with a search dog and looking for prints. And they have sent some samples of the blood they found to the lab… that's everything we know by now. I'm sorry.."

Suddenly one of the officers that Ruby had snapped at walked up to them. It was a older man and he gave Graham a suspicious look.

"How come you're talking to this woman officer Graham?" he asked with a stern and cold tone in his voice.

"Oh sorry sheriff Leopold, but this is the missing girl's girlfriend, Ruby Lucas," Graham answered quickly, giving Ruby a wink only she got.

The angry look in the sheriff's face fast changed to concern as he met Ruby's eyes.

"Oh Miss Lucas I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were her girlfriend. As we understood she didn't have any family so we assumed she didn't have a partner either."

"Not a problem sheriff but now that we have gotten that taken care of, do you mind telling me about what you have found out about my missing girlfriend hm?"

"Of course miss. Follow me to my car and we can talk in private."

Regina jumped into her car and drove off as fast as she could. She drove to her country house and went down to the stables. Her young stallion Thinto neighed at her and came galloping to the fence as he saw her. Regina's stable boy gave her a quick wave as he had mounted her other stallion Ghost.

Thinto nudged her shoulder carefully and Regina smiled at him. These horses were even reason she had been able to buy back this house.

"Hi my beautiful boy" Regina chuckled and patted his neck. She remembered how easy life had been before Emma had showed up.

Regina collapsed on her bed after she came back from the stables. She was exhausted and totally drained after this day. Hearing Emma was missing and literally getting jumped by a furious Ruby. She groaned as she rolled onto her back and typed Kathryn a short but meaningful text.

Regina : fix me up on a double date with Aurora.


	13. Chapter 13

Ruby parked her car and headed out. Sitting home with her mind, cooped up alone in her apartment wasn't an alternative. So she went down to her local pub just around the corner of where she was living. It was a busy night, but yet again it always was there.

"Evening Red, long time no see," the bartender August grinned and poured Ruby her usual whisky and the redhead smiled at him as she walked deeper inside the bar to find a place to sit. Every table was filled with people and she groaned. But just before she was about to give up she saw a table in the corner, there a beautiful brunette was sitting by herself.

Ruby hesitated for awhile. She wasn't in the mood for getting to know new people right now considering the circumstances, but then again a little distraction was well needed. And the girl in particular seemed sweet in some way as she was sitting there with a glass of wine, reading a book. Ruby chuckled to herself. Who the hell brought a book out to a bar?

"Mind if I join you?" Ruby asked the brunette who held up her hand in the air and Ruby waited patiently, and sipped on her whiskey. She guessed the girl was in the middle of something but after a few minutes she closed the book and met Ruby's curious eyes.

"Sorry, you were saying?" the brunette giggled and Ruby couldn't help but smile back at her.

"I asked if I could join you? Cause every table in here is full of people and I just wanna have a drink in some peace and quiet."

"Well if you want some peace and quiet I'm the perfect companion, so sit," the brunette said with a gentle tone in her voice. "I'm Belle French by the way."

"Nice to meet you Belle. I'm Ruby Lucas."

Belle, who had just taken a sip of her wine, spat it out when she heard the name of the girl who had just joined her. Ruby Lucas was a famous person to her. And well, her idol in a way too. And what a good first impression she made on her..

"Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking clumsy," Belle sighed as she dried the table off before she met Ruby's curious eyes.

"Did I say something to upset you?" Ruby asked with laughter in her voice. "Or was the wine not any good?"

"Oh this is gonna be so embarrassing but ehm, you're kinda my idol."

Emma begged Robin to untie at least one of her hands so she could have a smoke. To her surprise he agreed to her wish and even untied both her hands. The blonde saw an opportunity to flee but knew she had to play her cards that were dealt to her smart now. She might not get another chance like this.

So she lit a cigarette and leaned with her back against the bed frame. Emma took a deep inhale and thought to herself that it had never tasted this good to smoke. But Robin's voice made her come back to reality.

"So sweetheart, if we start with the money you owe me. I'm really keen to get it back.." he said it with a look in his eyes Emma recognized too well and it made her nervous. She knew what that look meant. He wanted her to be his whore again. His possession.

Emma had stolen almost 10,000 from him before she literally had went up in smoke. She had rented that disgusting apartment Ruby had rescued her from. And she knew Ruby would give Robin all the money Emma owned him without even a blink. That wasn't much money to her but Emma refused to drag her into this. She didn't know that Emma had been a prostitute and she wanted it to stay that way. She had gotten herself into this mess and she had to figure out how to get out of it on her own as well.

Emma just nodded at the man and tugged on her lower lip as she tried to figure out a plan fast. Robin would tie her up as soon as she had finished her cigarette and she couldn't fuck this up. She stood up and said something about needing to stretch her legs and Robin had just shrugged at her. He didn't think Emma had it in her to actually escape from his claws, so he lit a cigarette for himself and leaned back in his chair but Emma felt his eyes closely following her every move.

The young girl hardly had any strength left in her body. Her legs shook and she felt her whole body ache.

"You can take another smoke if you want. See it as a peace offering," Robin smirked and Emma nodded and reached for the cigarette he offered her. That meant she had at least a bit more time to figure out a plan.

Her eyes finally discovered a gun on the table and she knew Robin always had his guns loaded. Now she had to act fast though, but since her body wasn't cooperating like it should he had the upper hand. At the same time he was a big man and she knew he had problems with getting up sometimes so she could have a chance. So Emma took a deep breathe before she ran up to the table and grabbed the gun and pointed it directly at his face.

He grinned and held up his hands in the air.

"Sweetheart. Do you even know how you use that one?" he taunted.

"You underestimate me Robin, you always have, haven't you?!" Emma replied with a low growl in her voice as she stroked the trigger and felt how she had to fight every urge in her body not to kill him. But God, how much she wanted to, even if he didn't deserve such an easy and painless death like a gunshot to his head. He deserved nothing but to suffer.

So without even hesitating, Emma aimed the gun against his already hurt foot and pulled the trigger. He screamed and Emma smirked to herself as she pointed the gun again, this time aiming at his other foot.

"Sweetheart, sweetheart, don't do anything rash. Come on, haven't I taken good care of you throughout the years my dear Emma?" he said with a shaking voice and the blood poured out of his right foot.

"Not another word.." Emma warned and pointed the gun at his face again. "You have a bad sense of humor or a fucked up memory because you have never ever taken good care of me Robin. You have just used me to your own pleasure. So fuck you!" Emma growled and she felt an almost aroused feeling of seeing the man she hated so much in pain.

Graham was out patrolling and keeping an extra eye out for Emma, because he had promised ruby to do so since he knew how much she loved Emma. But the streets laid deserted and he knew the clock was ticking. The longer Emma was missing, the chances to find her alive decreased.

As Graham was about to buy himself a coffee, he heard a call on his radio. He got the feeling he should take it, so he did and ran out from the coffee shop. He upped his pace and this neighborhood sent shivers through the young police officers spine. He knew this place since before and this was not a good neighborhood to be in.

As he hoped the girl the call had been about actually was Emma, he hoped in the same way it wasn't. Because the call had been about a gunshot so it could mean the girl was badly hurt. He ran through the building when he finally found the apartment he heard screams from. Graham took a deep breath and he banged on the door.

"Police! Open the door!"


	14. Chapter 14

Without thinking Ruby invited Belle over to her place since the bar was so packed. The brunette had blushed but agreed quite eagerly and Ruby had taken her hand with a smirk. The two women had clicked almost immediately and Ruby had totally forgotten her anxiety over Emma since talking to Belle.

When Ruby opened the door to her apartment Belle gasped. She knew Ruby Lucas had money, but damn! This was like a castle to the brunette, this enormous 2 floor apartment. She herself lived in a small two bedroom apartment filled with books together with her cat Rumple.

"Wow, do you actually live in here?!" Belle asked and Ruby nodded with a big grin as she offered to take Belle's jacket. The brunette blushed once again at the move as Ruby leaned forward and placed an innocent kiss on her cheek.

"Make yourself feel at home, Belle. I'll just go and wash up and then fix us some drinks okay?"

"Sure ehm, do you mind if I look around?" Belle asked almost a bit ashamed over her curiosity.

"Nah, like I said, make yourself at home," Ruby replied with a gentle smile.

Belle was getting more and more impressed as she walked around. She could only dream of a place like this. The living room was huge, as was the kitchen and the bathroom. But then she reached two rooms that made her feel a bit uncomfortable. And confused. And anxious..

The first room tough, almost made her heart stop. It was still under renovation, but Belle could clearly see it was supposed to be a nursery, even if the walls weren't completely painted and she saw a crib standing in the middle of the room. What the hell was Ruby hiding from her?

She frowned and closed the door, trying to figure out a reasonable explanation for the room, even if she couldn't. So she shook her head and looked into the room next to it. It was a bedroom, but the bed was filled with all kind of women's clothes and none of them looked to be Ruby's. What was all this? Belle's mind was spinning and she felt a migraine coming.

Who was this other woman who apparently lived there? And what was this thing with the nursery? Was Ruby a mom? Or was Ruby pregnant? Or had she been and had gone through a miscarriage? For every question the brunette came up with, the more sick to her stomach she felt. Ruby had seemed so adorable and sweet. But now? Belle didn't know what to think.

Belle sighed and returned to the living room where she sunk down on the couch. She wondered if she should use some lame excuse to leave, like she had to go home to her cat.

The reason she stuck around though, was completely illogical, but she couldn't help herself. Belle needed answers. She just couldn't up and leave, even if it probably was for the best.. This whole, what it now was, with ruby, just didn't add up..

Ruby didn't come across as the type that lied. She was known to be an honest and hardworking girl. She was loved and praised for it, so what was all this? A groan escaped the brunette's lips as her mind was going rampant. _Just go. Just leave._ Belle thought to herself, reminding herself that she had been hurt in the past. And that had been by people she thought was trustworthy as well, so she felt torn. So fucking torn.

 _Fuck_ Belle thought to herself and dragged her fingers through her hair. This was the biggest reason she had turned to her books, devoted herself to her work and mostly hanged out with her cat.

 _You're not as smart as you think you are_ Belle thought to herself and shook her head. _You trust too easily._

Ruby was in the kitchen, making her and Belle drinks. She really enjoyed the brunette's company. She was so simple, so sweet and so incredibly beautiful. But she wasn't the one who held Ruby's heart. She wasn't Emma. But at the same time why should she keep her hopes up for the blonde? Why should she keep holding on to this dream that probably never would come true?

Ruby leaned against the counter as she let out a big sigh. Maybe it was time for her to actually let go of this whole idea of her and Emma? And Belle. Wow. There was something about her that had caught Ruby's attention immediately when she had seen her. And Ruby had _never_ felt like that for anyone else but Emma, so could this be the real deal?

Ruby walked into the living room with a big smile on her face, thinking about what could become between her and Belle. Her smile faded quickly though when Ruby sensed the anxiety in the room. It was almost impossible to breathe. So she swallowed hard when she put down the glasses of wine and sat down in the couch.

"What's the matter, Belle?" Ruby asked carefully as she reached for the brunette's hand. Belle just pulled away and the reaction made Ruby even more anxious.

"I don't know.. Why don't you tell me," Belle replied through gritted teeth as she crossed her arms. Ruby raised an eyebrow but quickly understood what Belle must be talking about.

"You saw the nursery huh?" Ruby asked with a shaking voice and looked down at her hands.

Belle felt her anger almost disappear as she saw how fragile Ruby looked in that exact moment. But Belle still kept her guard up, because she had been manipulated so many times before. And as she was just about to open her mouth, Ruby suddenly looked up and met her anxious eyes.

"My best friend Emma she... She doesn't have anything. Or anyone, except for me. So she lives here. And she was supposed to have a baby.. But she had a miscarriage… "

"Oh my God. I didn't know.. Fuck. I'm sorry Ruby.." Belle gasped but Ruby just shrugged. "I don't blame you for freaking out. I would probably upped and left already so..." Ruby said and dried her eyes. Belle dragged her into a close hug and Ruby started to shake like a leaf while in the brunette's arms.

They sat in silence for a long time, and Belle just held Ruby as tight she could. She felt terrible for freaking out but Ruby seemed to understand her reaction, but she still felt terrible. As Ruby pulled back, Belle dried her eyes and offered her a crooked smile.

"Sorry for being such a fucking idiot.." Ruby shrugged and tugged on her lower lip. Belle didn't respond, she just leaned in and placed a tender kiss on Ruby's lips. A kiss that made Ruby's mind spin like crazy.

Was she actually falling for Belle?


	15. Chapter 15

Emma lost focus for only a second when the police banged on the door and Robin saw his opportunity to take control over the situation even if he was badly hurt. He flew up from the chair and gripped the gun from Emma's hands and pointed it against her head, as he grinned at her.

"Looks like the tables have turned now sweetheart, hm?"

Emma almost panicked because now the whole situation looked completely different. Now it didn't look like a girl defending herself. It instead looked like a argument gone wrong and Emma seemed to be the dangerous one of them two. _Fuck._

As the door got kicked in, Emma held her breath. The police officer ran up to them and Emma knew she was fucked. Robin had so many people on his side since he was quite the talker. He manipulated everyone he talked to without a problem and Emma knew this young cop wasn't a problem for Robin to talk down. _Fuck_

"Drop the gun!" Graham demanded and Robin quickly did as he was asked. He shot Emma a mischievous smile, one only she saw and sat up, just getting ready to put his act on. Emma blinked away her tears as she knew she was alone in all this. It wasn't the first time the cops had shown up when she had been with Robin and every time they had done so, it was she who had been blamed. Never him. Never ever him.

"What's going on here?" Graham asked and as soon as he saw all the blood pouring from Robin's foot he immediately called for an ambulance. He sat down next to Robin and asked if he was okay. The old man groaned and the young cop helped him up on the chair again as he wrapped his jacket around Robin's foot.

"Can you please tell me what's happened?" Graham asked with concerned tone in his voice and Robin dragged his fingers through his hair.

"My girlfriend here just snapped and attacked me.. She said she was gonna kill me! So Mr officer, I wrestled her down, and that's when she shot my foot. I was terrified," Robin said, with a voice stinging of false sadness, almost making Emma sick.

Graham turned his eyes to Emma and offered his hand to help her up as well. The blonde sat down on the bed, almost refusing to met his eyes. She knew there wasn't a point to even try to tell the truth. Robin had the evidence on his side and when the police would look her up, they would see her as nothing but a psycho and probably just send her immediately to some mental hospital and throw away the key. She didn't have any family listed and she refused to drag Ruby into this mess. She was already suffering too much. And she didn't have Regina's number so that wasn't even an option.

Regina had just come home from Kathryn's. Aurora had been so kind and beautiful. But she didn't make Regina's heart skip a beat like Emma did. The therapist knew that feelings for someone took a while to get, but it hadn't with Emma. With her it had been almost as soon as their eyes had met for the first time in her office.

With a big groan, Regina sat down on her couch in her country house as she poured herself a big glass of whisky. She knew she needed to sleep but she couldn't. She was too worried about Emma. Just knowing the blonde was missing broke her heart and she wished Ruby hadn't reacted like she had at the crime scene but at the same time she didn't blame her.

Regina threw the glass into the wall and decided to go down to the horses. A ride always did her good and she couldn't stand all the thoughts spinning around in her head right now.

Ruby seemed to have really deep feelings for Emma, and that meant Regina was a threat to her. It was like they were two alphas fighting for the same mate. She was too old to fight like this. But still she couldn't let go of Emma. Even if she knew deep down it would be for the best.

Emma meant nothing more than trouble and chaos but Regina knew what a wonderful person there was behind all that darkness. Emma was just broken and needed someone to mend her back together. And Regina could do that. But in the end, everything came down to Emma to decide.

Regina sighed as she mounted Thinto and nudged his sides with her heels. She steered him into the deep woods and even if it was pitch black, she knew the trail like the back of her hand. So with a click of her tongue, the big stallion started to gallop.

Emma blacked out. She didn't know why but everything felt like a bad dream. She just remembered bits and pieces. Like when the older officers showed up in the apartment. They had an alliance with Robin, she knew that, because she recognized them and that made her almost shake of anxiety. Especially since one of the two was the deputy sheriff. He had ordered the young police officer to leave the scene. And when he left, everything became like a living hell.

Emma remembered when the two policemen restrained her and literally dragged her outside and threw her into their car. They were laughing at her. She tried to get loose but she was in handcuffs so she didn't have a chance. Emma knew what was about to happen. Robin had won once again and this time he had decided to get rid of her, once and for all.

The car suddenly stopped in the middle of nowhere and Emma blinked her sleepy eyes open. She was hurt badly and she held her breath when one of them dragged her outside the car and threw her down onto the ground. She scraped her face but she didn't say a word. Not even when one of them gripped her hair and pulled her up, pushing her back against the car.

"Good to see you again Emma," the deputy grinned and kneeled down in front of her.

"Fuck you Neal. And fuck you too James," Emma hissed, as Neal punched her straight in her face. The blonde spat blood and they just laughed at her.

"You should know by now to not be a bitch to us Emma Swan," Neal warned and cupped her head in his hands. "Especially since you owe Robin quite the amount of money."

Emma didn't have a chance to reply before she felt a cold gun against her head. James held the trigger, but she didn't so much as blink. This wasn't the first time he had held a gun against her head.

"So, how do you want to do this Emma? Do you wanna make it easy on yourself or do you wanna suffer?" James voice sent shivers through her body as she looked up and met his dark eyes.

"Do what the fuck you want with me. I don't care! " Emma growled and James grinned at her.

Suddenly Regina saw a light, deep into the woods where an old road was. She frowned and even if she at first wanted to turn around and go back home, she felt the strange feeling to push on, so she did. As she came closer to the lights, she heard some voices. The therapist pulled on her horse's reins, making him halt as she listened closely to the people. What were they doing here? In the middle of nowhere?

Regina froze when she realized she recognized one of the voices. Could it really be?

"What was that?" Neal hissed and James met his eyes. "Fuck! There is someone in the woods. Let's go!"

"What about Robin's whore then? He told us to kill her!" James shot back as Neal uncuffed Emma. The blonde didn't dare to move or say anything. She just hoped and prayed to god that whoever was in the woods would save her.

"She's probably gonna kill herself soon anyway. Just look at her. Now come on!" Neal growled and the both of them jumped into the car and drove off. Emma crawled behind a big rock and ducked down, fearing that the person in the shadows could be even more of a monster than these had been.

Regina almost got run over by a black car and she felt her heart in her throat. It felt like she was in some kind of horror movie as she drove on her horse. She dismounted him as she reached the end of the car tracks.

"Hello?" she called out into the darkness. "Hello? Is there anyone there?"

Emma couldn't believe her ears. Was it really Regina calling out for her? She stood up on shaking legs and in the same moment she looked straight into the light from a flash light. The woman who held it gasped and Emma broke down as the woman ran up to her and dragged her into a tight hug.

"I...I..I can't believe this.." Emma stuttered and Regina's grip around her only tightened.

"It's me, Emma. I'm here. You're safe now."


	16. Chapter 16

It took probably hours, but finally they came home to the house, and Regina had been able to tuck Emma into bed. How the therapist had managed to get her home on Thintos back amazed her, but she had just done it. Emma had fallen asleep at once, but Regina had been sitting by the bed a long while before she felt okay with leaving her. _What have you been through Emma._ Regina thought to herself as she leaned down and placed a careful kiss on the blonde's forehead before she went downstairs, to call Kathryn to tell her Emma had been found.

Belle had stayed the night at ruby's and they both had fallen asleep quite quickly, cuddled close to each other. Sadly a buzzing phone woke them both up and Ruby groaned as she untangled herself from Belle's warm arms.

"Hello?" the redhead answered with a raspy voice.

"Ruby, this is Kathryn Nolan, Emma's therapist," the sleepy redhead suddenly felt more awake than she ever had done before, as she sat up in the bed.

"Kathryn? What's.. Have.. Is Emma okay?"

"She's been found yes. She's with Regina for the moment and.."

"She is what?!" Ruby growled and felt the anger starting to boil under her skin. Hadn't she made herself clear to Regina about keeping her distance?

"She's with Regina Mills for the moment because she found her in the woods. I have your number if you want to speak with her and well, with Emma."

Emma blinked her eyes open and sat up in the bed. She flickered the light on and tried to understand what was going on and where she was. She didn't know what was real and what was not in her confused state of mind.

"Hi," a kind voice suddenly said and Emma looked up and met the beautiful eyes of Regina. _Was this for real?_

"Regina? Where.. What's.. What's going on?"

"I don't exactly know myself dear, but I found you in the woods and brought you home. Do you remember what happened up until I found you?"

Emma's mind was spinning and when she remembered what had actually happened, she started to cry. Regina reacted quickly and walked up to the bed and sat down. Emma hesitated at first before she finally gave into her biggest need for the moment. Comfort.

Regina embraced her carefully and placed a tender kiss on Emma's head. The blonde snuggled close but whimpered because her whole body ached. Regina tried to loosen her grip around the fragile girl, but Emma held on tight. The therapist bit her lip as she fought against the feeling to cry herself.

When Ruby ended the call with Kathryn, she met Belle's concerned eyes. She looked so worried as she reached for Ruby's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Have they found Emma?" she asked carefully and Ruby simply nodded. She didn't know what to feel in this moment.. Of course she was happy that Emma was found, but she felt torn. Ruby knew everything was just gonna get complicated again when she came home and Regina was still in the mix. And now Belle... Ruby sighed and pulled away. She stood up, and started to pace around in the bedroom as she felt Belle's eyes following her.

Belle didn't know what to say or do right now. This was unlike any situation the brunette had ever been in before and her heart broke for Ruby. She felt her anxiety and her pain. She also felt her happiness. It was like a tornado filled with of all kinds of emotions and she wondered what was so special about this Emma, that made someone so beautiful as Ruby, to fall for her.

Suddenly Belle got the feeling that she should leave. This was apparently something Ruby had to figure out before they could figure out what was gonna happen between them. But at the same time, Belle didn't want to leave Ruby alone.

Belle knew Ruby needed someone to comfort her right now and even if Belle wasn't a therapist like her boss, she had worked beside Regina for years so she had learned to read people in a way others couldn't. Belle read between the lines so to speak so she knew she should stay.

Ruby had probably taken care of Emma for years and always put her own needs aside. And on top of that she was the boss of more than 10 different cafés. The last thing was stressful by itself. So Belle dragged Ruby into a tight hug and promised herself she would help her through all this.

When Emma had finished telling Regina what had happened that day, the therapist was speechless for a second. It was Emma who finally broke the silence.

"I should probably call Ruby and go home.." Emma shrugged but Regina shook her head.

"Emma, please. We need to talk. Don't run away from me, please?"

"I don't know what you mean Regina?" Emma breathed as the therapist offered her a gentle smile, even if her eyes were filled with tears.

"What is going on between us, hm?"

Emma frowned at the question and wondered how she should answer. If she should even bother to. Regina was too good for her. Too beautiful for a fuck up like her. As well was Ruby. Emma just shrugged and pulled away.

Emma felt sick to her stomach. She had been both raped and beaten today. And she had almost accepted the fact that James and Neal were gonna kill her in the forest but here she was. In a house, facing her former therapist. Emma couldn't understand why Regina cared so much about her. Or why Ruby did.

Emma didn't deserve them. She just didn't.


	17. Chapter 17

**Trigger warnings!**

"Just forget me Regina. You don't want me in your life. Just.. Let me call Ruby so she can pick me up, okay?" Emma's voice was shaking and Regina didn't have the energy to fight, so she just gave her the phone. Emma smiled at her, and dialed Ruby's number without even thinking about it. But it wasn't like it was the first time she had called her in an emergency.

"Hello?" Ruby answered tiredly.

"Rubes, it's me. I need you.." Emma said and tugged on her lower lip. She knew she was on thin ice with her friend but she didn't have anybody else. Even if Regina was sitting next to her.

"Text me the address and I'll be there as fast as I can Emma. Okay?"

"Thanks Ruby. I love you."

"I love you too Ems. See you soon okay? Stay safe."

"Emma please, I can help you. Just let me help you, please," Regina pleaded but Emma just left the room and went downstairs. How her legs even had the strength to carry her was a mystery, but it wasn't the first time she had to run on empty. She was used to it.

Ruby dropped Belle off at her place and the brunette gave her a gentle kiss before they said goodbye. Ruby offered her a small smile before Belle closed the door behind her. The redhead watched her until she walked inside her apartment. Ruby just shook her head and turned the ignition and headed to the address where Emma was.

Emma and Ruby didn't speak at all in the car, neither when they parked. It was not a pleasant silence and they finally came to the apartment, Emma felt Ruby's eyes following her. And she sensed her anger.

"Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again," Ruby suddenly growled and took a step closer Emma. "My grandmother asked you a fucking question and you just ran. Don't you understand how fucking worried I've been? Huh?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't deal with this right now.. I need a warm shower and some new clothes" Emma spat as she turned around. But Ruby refused to let her off the hook so easily.

So ruby grabbed her arm and made Emma turn around. The blonde looked confused, she was not used to Ruby behaving like this.

"You're not the only one who's hurting you know!" Ruby growled. "I was also looking forward to a little kid running around here and a bit of my heart broke when you had your miscarriage Emma, but you haven't realized that huh? No, because you're just thinking about yourself all the fucking time!"

Emma sat down on the couch behind her as the words really sunk in. How had she not realized this earlier?

"I'm sorry Rubes.. I don't.. Fuck! I'm such an idiot.."

"well Emma.. I've been an idiot too.. I have been living in this fucking fantasy world for years.. Hoping we would end up together in the end but I've realized now that that's never gonna happen," Ruby said with a low and dangerous tone in her voice, making Emma's anxiety rise. She had _never_ seen Ruby like this.

Emma tried to find the right words but she failed.

"Emma I love you. I always have and always will, do but this isn't gonna work. I wanna help you out but I can't have you living here anymore…" The words dripped of anxiety and Emma stood up and put her arms around her friend. They both started to sob and Emma's grip around Ruby only tightened. It broke her heart to see her usually happy friend like this. And it all was her fault.

"So what are we gonna do about this then?" Emma asked anxiously and met Ruby's eyes. Was she gonna throw her out on the street? Emma shivered by that thought.

"I think we need some sleep.. But in the morning we can start looking for an apartment for you, okay?"

"But I don't have any money Rubes.." Emma shrugged.

"Don't worry about that. I got you covered. Now let's get some sleep shall we?"

Emma tossed and turned for what felt like hours. Her anxiety was sky high at the thought of living alone again. She wasn't sure she could handle that but she understood that Ruby wanted her out. She had every right to throw her out. But Emma was terrified. It almost felt like this was the end of their friendship. So with a big groan Emma flickered on the night lamp and sat up in the bed.

What would she do without Ruby? She had been Emma's only light in the darkness for years, so what would she do without her support? The blonde started to shake like a leaf as she reached down for the razors she had hidden under her mattress.

Suddenly the thought of Regina entered Emma's messy mind. She had offered to help her, but could she trust her? Could Emma let her past her walls? Another groan escaped Emma's mouth as she placed the razor blade against her scarred skin and pressed down.

Then everything went black.


	18. Chapter 18

Ruby woke up the next day with a big groan. She hadn't slept more than a couple of hours because she had been up thinking. Had she been too rough on Emma? Or had she deserved to hear every single word? Belle had kept Ruby company over text and she had reassured Ruby that she had done the right thing. Still the redhead felt conflicted.

Ruby threw on her nightgown and walked downstairs. She frowned when she realized Emma wasn't up. That felt odd considering it was past lunch. The redhead shrugged and went over to the guest room and gasped as she opened the door. You would think Ruby would be used to finding Emma like this but she wasn't. It still scared the shit out of her.

"Emma!? Emma?!" Ruby screamed as she shook her friend back and forth. Her wrists were completely slit but the blonde had wrapped them both in a towel so she had at least stopped the blood flow. The young girl blinked her eyes open slowly and seemed to be confused over the whole situation.

"Rubes?" she asked with a raspy voice. Ruby took Emma's hands in hers as she dialed 911.

Emma passed out as soon as they had reached the hospital. She had lost a horrendous amount of blood, so the fact she had even survived the night amazed the doctors. Ruby felt so fucking anxious. This was all her fault! If she hadn't said those things to Emma yesterday, this would probably never happened. _You're so fucking stupid…_ Ruby thought to herself as she gritted her teeth. And moving Emma into an apartment of her own after a suicide attempt was out of the picture. But ruby couldn't do this anymore. She wasn't strong enough to carry the weight of Emma on her shoulders any longer. So what the hell should she do? She was out of options….

"Miss Lucas I came as fast as I could," Kathryn said with a rushed voice and Ruby just offered her a crooked smile. "How is she?"

"She awoke a while ago. She lost a massive amount of blood but she's stable for now," Ruby said tiredly, almost on autopilot which the therapist noticed.

"And how are you holding up Miss Lucas? " Kathryn asked carefully and studied the young woman in front of her.

Ruby shrugged as the therapist laid her hand her shoulder.

"I see this is wearing you out. And I can see why. Caring for someone like Emma is hard. And if I understood her correctly, you are her only friend? And she doesn't have any family members either?"

"Nah it's only me. There has only been me for years but I can't do this anymore," Ruby admitted as she dried her eyes. "I'm a monster aren't I?"

"You're not a monster Miss Lucas. You're just human," Kathryn said with small smile. "Here. Take my card. And if you feel like you need someone to talk to. I'm here. Okay?"

Ruby looked at the card in Kathryn's hand and frowned a bit. She didn't need a therapist. Right? With a shrug she accepted the card and put it in her wallet. Kathryn saw how conflicted Ruby looked.

"Go buy yourself a coffee Miss Lucas. I'll handle Emma for now."

"Are you sure?" Ruby asked anxiously even if she knew deep down she needed some alone time. And she needed to call Belle. She had ignored her calls all morning.

"I'm sure. So go."

Emma blinked her eyes open and sighed as she realized she was laying in a hospital bed. How many times had she visited this awful place now? She had probably the record in visits by now.

"Miss Swan, are you awake?" a voice suddenly said and the blonde flinched before she saw it was her therapist. _Great… Not._ Emma thought to herself and sat up in the bed.

"Hi Mrs Nolan.." Emma said with a low voice. "Can I come in?"

"Do I even have a choice?" the blonde snapped, even if she regretted her reaction immediately. Thankfully Kathryn didn't seem to care.

"So Miss Swan, do you mind explaining to me what happened the last night that lead you to end up here hm?" the therapist asked as she sat down beside the bed.

Ruby smiled when she heard Belles beautiful voice. And she was amazed by how fast the brunette snapped up that something was wrong with ruby. _She is amazing._

"Baby? Is everything okay? You seem low?"

"Well I'm at the hospital. It's Emma again… and it's so.. I'm so tired. I just want to be home and snuggle up on the couch with you.. I can't take this anymore. And I feel horrible for even feeling like that.."

"Even about the part snuggling with me?" Belle asked with a smirk and Ruby almost dropped her coffee she was holding.

"NO! " Ruby admitted quickly before she broke out in laughter. "I just.. Fuck. You know what I mean!"

"I know baby, I just wanted to hear that beautiful laugh of yours."

Regina was on her way out of her office to get some coffee before she had to see her next patient, but stopped just when she had opened her door. She heard Belle talking to someone on the phone and considering her giggles, Regina assumed it wasn't a client she was talking to.

Some of Regina's colleagues walked by and shot the brunette a glare, probably wondering how she dared to talk to someone like that on worktime. Regina on the other hand didn't care at all. On the contrary, she was happy for Belle. She knew how lonely she was and hearing her like this brought a smile to her own lips.

As soon as Belle ended the call, Regina saw her chance to walk out. The poor brunette almost jumped of her chair as her boss walked up to her with a smirk.

"And who was that you talked to, miss French?" Regina asked curiously and the young girl blushed.

"I'm so so sorry Miss Mills. It won't happen again I.." the brunette started to say before her boss cut her off.

"miss French, I didn't come over here to yell at you." Regina said with a gentle smile.

"You.. You didn't?"

"No dear, I didn't. I know how lonely you are and I hope that person who you talked to is someone special that deserves you." Regina chuckled.

"Yeah.. She's really special. But it's so new, all this.. But I really hope it could be the real deal," Belle grinned and Regina nodded at her.

"As long as she treats you as good as you deserve Belle, then I'm happy for you. So go for it my friend." Regina said and lowered her voice. "And don't you worry about the other therapists if they hear you on the phone with her again. You're my assistant and I say it's okay for you to talk to her, as long as you don't forget your work hm?"

"Thank you Miss Mills. That's really sweet of you."

When Emma had finished filling Kathryn in she felt totally exhausted. Her eyelids felt like they weighed tons and she just wanted to sleep. But the therapist wasn't finished with her, unfortunately.

"I want to send you to a mental institution Miss Swan."


	19. Chapter 19

"That won't be necessary Kathryn," a voice stated from the doorway and Emma felt her heart almost skip a beat.

"Regina…" the blonde breathed and Kathryn turned around to face her friend. She didn't look very pleased at getting interrupted in the middle of her work so she stood up and walked up to Regina as she grabbed her friend's arm.

"A word." She growled. "Outside!"

Regina smirked as she followed her to the lobby outside and Kathryn looked seriously furious. Her eyes were dark and nostrils flaring.

"Regina what the fuck was that!" Kathryn snapped. "You can't just barge in like that and question my work! How the heck does that make me feel you think?!"

"Kathryn calm down," Regina said with a deep voice as Kathryn rolled her eyes, and did as she was told.

"How did you even know Emma was here?"

 _Regina was quite surprised when her cellphone started to buzz next to her computer as she was writing in her latest patient's journal. At first she ignored it but since the person didn't stop calling, she picked it up anyway._

" _Regina Mills."_

" _Hi Regina it's ehm.. Ruby. Emma's friend.. Didn't expect a call from me huh?" Ruby said and even if Regina wanted to reply with a snarky comment she kept her mouth shut._

 _She knew how much Ruby despised her, so the fact she was calling meant there had to be something wrong with Emma. Regina suddenly panicked and Ruby's rambling only made her more nervous._

" _Is there something wrong with Miss Swan?" the therapist asked and cut her off._

" _Afraid so…" Ruby sighed._

" _What's wrong with her?" Regina said with a low growl in her voice as she suddenly remembered Ruby's behavior at the crime scene the other day. Where she practically had warned her never to even look in the blonde's direction ever again._

" _I know we don't like each other but we both care deeply for Emma and I desperately need your help now.. Or well Emma does.. ." Ruby said with a shaking voice which made Regina incredibly uncomfortable._

" _Miss Lucas, please get to the point."_

" _Emma cut herself again yesterday and the doctors told me they couldn't believe she hadn't bled to death.. And now Kathryn, her shrink, is here and I'm fucking terrified that she's gonna get Emma locked up.." Ruby blurted out and her voice almost cracked. "And I can't do this anymore Regina. I'm only human and Emma is dragging me down with her. So please, I need your help.."_

 _Regina became speechless for a second as she tried to process what Ruby had just said. She knew Kathryn often sent people like Emma to institutions if the person in question didn't have anyone and it sounded like Ruby didn't have the strength to be there for Emma anymore, which made Emma alone in this chaos. And they both knew that Emma hadn't done well in the past when she had been locked away._

" _Alright I'll be there. Which hospital are you at? " Regina said as she stood up and grabbed her purse and jacket._

" _The city hospital.." Ruby replied. "And Regina? Thank you so much.."_

Emma wondered what took the two therapists so long. What was the point even? She was about to get locked up and would probably rot inside some madhouse. The thought sent shivers through her body.

"Hi Ems."

The blonde looked up and smiled as she saw Ruby. The redhead looked nothing like good. She had been crying and looked so tired. So broken.

"Hi Rubes. You don't have to be here you know. The therapist isn't gonna let me go home this time.." the blonde stated with a shrug as Ruby sat down next to the bed. She reached for Emma's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Hold your head up Swan. You're not gonna get sent away somewhere."

"I don't follow?"

"I called Regina for you," Ruby shrugged.

"You did? Why?" Emma asked curiously.

"Because I know she can take better care of you than I can. Than I ever have... I'm done Emma. I can't help you anymore.." Ruby said and dried her eye with her free hand.

"Rubes that's not true. You have helped me for so many years. You're the only reason I'm still alive. Don't be so hard on yourself. We're still friends right?"

"Off course!" Ruby smiled. "But I have to take a step back for now. I feel drained and I'm not myself at the moment. So that means you have to let someone else take care of you."

"Ugh that makes me feel terrible. I'm a grown woman but I have to have someone to look after me. Great Emma, great," the blonde said more to herself than to Ruby, even if her friend heard every word.

"Emma come on, look at me. We're always gonna be in each other's lives okay? I can't picture existing without you. But for now we have to take a break okay? I hope you don't hate me for it."

"I would never hate you. Come here. I need a hug."

"Sure," Ruby chuckled and embraced her friend tightly.

"So what now?" Kathryn asked and looked at her friend.

"Simple. You release Emma to me. She comes and lives at my guest house at the countryside and I will make sure she continues therapy with you as well," Regina shrugged and Kathryn tugged on her lower lip. She didn't like this idea one bit. She especially did not like that goofy smile on her friend's face. She thought Regina was over Emma. Apparently not.

"Fine. But I'll keep an close eye on her. And if I notice that this stupid idea of yours doesn't work out, she's gonna get sent away to an institution. Without any discussions. Deal?" Kathryn said with a stern voice and held out her hand for Regina to shake it.

"Deal," Regina smirked and took her friend's hand.


	20. Chapter 20

Belle smiled when she came home. As always she was greeted by Rumple. The black cat purred as she kneeled down. It took barely seconds before he jumped up into her lap.

"Have you had a good day Rumple?" Belle asked and the cat purred even more. "I take that as a yes."

She stood up and walked into the living room. The cat jumped onto the couch and sat down next to her.

"I guess you're wondering about why I'm looking like a goofy teenager huh? Well we're gonna have company over tonight and I want you on your best behavior, okay?"

The cat meowed and Belle just chuckled. "Good, let's find your little bow tie and see if I can find something nice to wear as well."

Emma had been left in Regina's care. The blonde had hesitated a bit at first but since the other option was to get sent away, she had agreed to go with the beautiful therapist.

"Are you sure about this.. Thing?" Emma asked while packing her clothes.

"Yes I'm sure Miss Swan," Regina smiled as the blonde zipped her bag. She hadn't the strength to pack her whole closet since her both wrists were in bandage, but this would do for at least a couple of weeks.

When they walked out into the living room, Regina took the bag and left Emma and Ruby alone. She knew this was hard on them both and she didn't want to snoop.

"So this is it then.." Emma said with a shrug and Ruby dragged her into a tight hug.

"Don't sound so dramatic Ems, it's not like this is gonna be the last time we will ever see each other, right?"

"I know.." Emma sighed and pulled away. "But I hate this. I wanted this to work out. But, like always, I fucked it up.."

"Lets not think like that okay? And we can still talk over the phone right? I just need time, and I promise we're gonna get through this, just like we always do right?"

"Yeah, you're right," Emma smiled as she hugged Ruby once more. The redhead smiled and followed her to the door.

Regina and she shared a look as Ruby cleared her throat.

"Ehm Regina. Thanks for doing this. It...ehm it means a lot to me," Ruby said and the therapist knew how hard it was for her to say those words. They really came from her heart.

"Of course Miss Lucas. We'll stay in touch yes?" Regina said with a gentle smile and Ruby nodded.

"Take care Ems."

"You too rubes," Emma smiled as Regina grabbed her suitcase and headed for the car.

Emma gasped when Regina unlocked the door to the guest house. It looked almost like a miniature house and, to Emma, it was like a paradise.

"Wow this.. This is amazing," the blonde said while she looked around.

"I hope you will like it here Miss Swan, and you're free to spend as much time as you want with me of course but I thought it would do you good to have your own space," Regina said as she studied the blonde. She seemed calm. That was a good sign.

"You have everything you need in here, and the refrigerator is packed with food. You can of course eat with me if you want. That's up to you Miss Swan. And I want you to tell me if you're not doing good or anything. Can you promise me that?"

"I promise Regina," Emma replied. "I don't wanna fuck this up.."

"As long as you're honest with me _Emma,_ you will not fuck anything up," Regina purred and took a step closer the younger girl. She took her hands in hers and their eyes locked.

"Ehm, Regina?" Emma said as she tugged on her lower lip.

"Yes?" the therapist replied, and almost panicked. She had already crossed the line and was just about to release her grip around Emma's hands, when the therapist felt the blonde drag her closer. She felt Emma's breath on her skin and she shivered because of it.

Emma leaned in and placed a tender kiss on Regina's lips and felt how her broken and heavy heart almost started to beat again. It was an amazing feeling and when Regina deepened the kiss she felt even better. And when Emma pulled back, Regina smiled at her.

"One step at a time right?"

"Yeah," Emma replied with a blush. This wasn't something she wanted to fuck up. And this was probably the first time in her whole life she she felt like her future felt bright.


	21. Chapter 21

When the clock struck 6, Belle heard the doorbell chime. The sound startled her so much, she almost dropped the wine glass in her hand. Belle shook her head at her own clumsiness and smiled at Rumple who was with her by the stove.

"Now Rumple," she said and straightened his red bow tie. "Promise you'll behave?"

Ruby held a bouquet of red roses behind her back and gasped when Belle opened the door. She looked absolutely stunning. Her brown hair was in a high ponytail and she was wearing a black dress that was showing off her every curve perfectly.

"Wow. You look. Wow," Ruby grinned as she gave the roses to Belle. The brunette blushed and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek as she invited her to come inside.

Rumple ran out to the hall to greet the new guest and Belle was amazed about how happy he seemed to see Ruby. Her cat never greeted someone at the door, expect for her. For instance, when she had Regina over for coffee, Rumple didn't even show his face. Now he was purring like crazy as Ruby scratched him behind his ear.

"Aren't you a good looking fellow.. You look almost more handsome than me," Ruby chuckled.

"I doubt that.. You're both good looking," Belle grinned as she studied Ruby's clothing. Her red hair was curled and she was wearing a black shirt and some ordinary jeans but god did she look sexy. Belle licked her lips and tried to hide her arousal.

"What's his name?" Ruby asked and turned her attention back to Belle.

"Rumple."

"Rumple.. Is that from some book or something? I recognize it," Ruby said and Belle almost beamed up. "Oh I know. Isn't the full name like Rumplestiltskin?" Belle dragged the redhead into a tight hug and pressed her lips against Ruby's. They both smiled liked crazy as they walked out into the kitchen and the cat followed suit.

Emma was down in the living room and watching TV. She had always loved to binge watch a series, even if she hadn't done that for a while now. But now she laid on the couch with a big glass of coke in front of her and a big bowl of candy resting on her knee.

Regina knocked before she entered and smiled when she saw Emma looking so relaxed. She didn't even bother to get up and that made Regina smile even more.

"I see you have made yourself comfortable Miss Swan," Regina chuckled as their eyes met.

"Yeah. And why won't you join me? Huh?"

"Oh I don't know.. I have horses to feed and exercise. And.. "

"Come on Regina. You can relax for at least an hour. Please? Come, and cuddle with me? "

Regina almost lost her balance as she heard the words come from Emma's mouth but she quickly did as she was asked and climbed down under the blanket. Emma tugged on her lower lip and Regina looked into her green eyes. They were so beautiful but so conflicted. She knew Emma had so much angst in her body even if she seemed relaxed at the moment.

Regina remembered when she had shared a bit of her own backstory with Emma and wondered if that could make them come closer to each other.

"What are you thinking about?" Emma suddenly asked as Regina laid her head against the young girl's shoulder. It was a risky move but as Emma laid her arm around her, Regina smiled to herself.

"Oh I don't want to spoil the mood," Regina said and that was actually the truth.

"Then don't." Emma almost purred and Regina sat up and met the blonde's eyes again, still with a smirk on her face.

"You seem to be in quite the good mood Miss Swan hm?" Regina said as she felt her heart skip a beat.

"Yeah I think the country air is doing me good Miss Mills," Emma smiled as she carefully dragged the therapist so close to her that their lips almost touched.

"Kiss me."

Ruby really liked Belle's apartment. It was so small but yet so cozy. Their dinner had been eaten quite fast and Ruby had just laughed when Rumple had been sitting with them, on his own chair and eating from a little plate of cat food.

The kitchen was small but really modern. The living room on the other hand was not modern at all. It looked almost like a room ruby's grandmother would love. The room was filled with three enormous bookshelves, and they were all stacked. Rumple had a cat tree in a corner next to a red, older couch and Ruby frowned when she realized Belle didn't have a TV.

The brunette noticed Ruby's confusion and she kissed her on her cheek. Ruby blushed and met Belle's curious eyes.

"You're not a normal person Belle! Who the hell doesn't have a TV today?" Ruby asked and Belle just chuckled. "fuck it, I can buy you one!" the redhead added but the petite brunette just shook her head.

"You get more out of life if you read books Ruby. Television just fills your head with garbage,"

"Nobody says television Belle," Ruby laughed and pressed her lips against hers. They were both quite shy and neither really dared to deepen the kiss.

Even if Ruby had had numerous one night stands, she felt almost like a teenage virgin girl that had never even gotten naked in front of anyone else before. But there was something with Belle that made Ruby almost lose herself in those eyes of hers. Nobody else had ever made her feel like this. Not even Emma.

That feeling alone scared the living shit out of Ruby. She didn't want to fuck this up.


	22. Chapter 22

A couple of weeks later, Emma woke up one night hyperventilating, after having a nightmare about Robin. It had been so real. The blonde flicked on her light with shaking hands as she tried to get her breathing under control. But it didn't work. She could still feel Robin's disgusting hands all over her body, even if she was awake.

Emma curled up into a ball and dragged her knees up to her chin as she started to rock back and forth. She wished she had a razor blade right now, just something sharp. But she didn't even have a knife in her house and the knives in Regina's house were locked up. She felt how the tears stung in her eyes as her mind was spinning like crazy.

Emma cast a quick glance at the clock, and it was way too late to go to Regina. She didn't want to wake her in the middle of the night. Emma refused to be a bigger burden than she already was. Deep back in the back of her mind she was terrified that Regina would get sick of her like Ruby had and throw her out on the streets. And she knew Robin was just waiting for that. He would most likely kill her if he saw her outside on the streets alone again. But then again, Emma wasn't sure if that mattered. She didn't have anything to live for anyway.

Ruby suddenly woke up with an uneasy feeling in her stomach. Belle was cuddled close to her and Rumple was sleeping on her stomach, but something told her Emma wasn't doing okay. So Ruby carefully reached for her phone, making sure she didn't wake up either Belle or Rumple.

The redhead fiddled with her phone for a while, debating what she should do. She knew she herself told Emma she needed space and she still did, but Ruby couldn't just ignore the knot in her stomach. She rolled her eyes and eventually wrote Emma a text.

Eventually Emma walked downstairs to occupy herself with watching some TV. As she sunk down on the couch and turned on her TV, her phone pinged. The blonde wondered who would text her this late but when she saw Ruby's name on the screen she felt a smile spread on her lips. They hadn't spoken since Emma had moved to Regina's because Ruby had wanted space. And Emma had of course respected that, even if she had wanted to contact Ruby every day since.

 **R - i just woke up and got the feeling you needed someone to talk to. So, how are you?**

Emma chuckled. Ruby must have some kind of sixth sense when it came to her wellbeing. But when she thought twice about that, Emma's smile faded fast. It was actually kinda sad Ruby still felt like she needed to keep an eye on Emma, wasn't it? _I'm nothing but a burden to my few friends…_ Emma thought to herself as she texted Ruby a reply.

 **E - I just had a bad dream. How are you? And another thing, I miss you Rubes. Like crazy much..**

Ruby knew there was more to the story than Emma told her, but she didn't ask what the dream had been about. And Ruby had promised not only herself but also Belle to not expend so much energy on Emma. Especially not since Ruby had been to the doctors the other day where she been told she was going through a mild depression and was prescribed antidepressants. But that wasn't something she planned to share with Emma. So she decided to just tell a white lie.

 **R : I miss you too Ems. I'm good. I've actually started to date someone. And I'm even sleeping at her place tonight.**

Emma felt how her anxiety almost got washed away when she read Ruby had met someone. She was really happy to hear this, because she wanted Ruby to be happy. She deserved it so much. Emma tugged on her lower lip as she played with the thought about telling Ruby about her and Regina's growing feelings for each other. But she decided not to. She instead wondered who this girl was that had stolen Ruby's heart.

Suddenly a feeling of jealousy started to crawl up from the back of her head. And Emma frowned at that reaction. Why did she feel jealous about this? The fact that Ruby seemed to have moved on. Emma should be happy for Ruby, right? A sigh escaped her lips and she suddenly broke down in tears. Did she actually have feelings for Ruby or,... oh what the hell was going on?!

Emma laid down her phone with a groan as she reached for her pack of cigarettes and walked out on the porch. She sat down on one of the chairs and laid a blanket over her shoulders. It was chilly and cold outside as she lit a cigarette. Emma looked up at the sky and dried her eyes. _What the fuck is going on with me? Am I actually losing my fucking mind?_

Regina blinked her eyes open and sighed. She had been suffering trouble sleeping since she was a teenager and some nights were harder than others. As she sat up in her bed a smell of smoke reached her nose. Regina guessed Emma couldn't sleep either, so the therapist stood up and wrapped herself with her nightgown.

Regina looked out of her bedroom window and saw the blonde girl sitting outside the guest house, smoking. The therapist knew something had to be wrong since Emma was awake this late. So Regina decided to go down to her to make sure she was okay.

The therapist almost tiptoed to Emma, because she didn't want to scare her. When their eyes met the blonde smiled tiredly at Regina as she sat down next to her.

"Mind if I bum one?" Regina asked carefully and Emma just shrugged when the therapist lit a cigarette for herself. She didn't smoke that often but she did once in awhile. It helped to calm her nerves.

"So, how come you're awake Miss Swan?" Regina asked and Emma rolled her eyes.

"It's nothing.." Emma sighed, even if she knew Regina didn't really believe her. "So why are you up?" the blonde quickly asked.

"I have had troubles sleeping since I was a teenager so I woke up and when I smelled the scent of cigarette smoke I guessed it came from you," Regina replied.

"Shit. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you Regina," Emma said, almost looking small and fragile.

"Don't worry Emma. Just tell me what's troubling you. I can see the anxiety in your eyes."

"I forget you're a therapist sometimes.. " Emma said with a small sadness in her voice as she put out her cigarette and lit a new one.

Ruby waited long for a reply that never came so she guessed Emma had fallen asleep. So she put away her phone and cuddled close to Belle. The brunette was fast asleep but still Ruby did manage to lay her arms around Belle and pull her close. The redhead placed a gentle kiss on Belle's forehead and fell asleep almost immediately. Never had Ruby felt as safe as she did in the brunette's arms. It was a rare, yet wonderful feeling.

"Ruby has apparently started to date someone… And I'm happy for that but.. I don't know… I feel torn because I'm happy, but I feel almost jealous too. It's just fucked up.." Emma sighed and Regina reached for her hand, and their eyes locked.

"It doesn't sound weird to me Miss Swan. You and Ruby have had a… difficult friendship throughout the years, am I right?" Regina said carefully and Emma shrugged. "And Ruby has been the only one you have had as support. And don't forget the feelings she probably still has for you. And if I'm not wrong here, you knew about it for quite a while before Ruby admitted it?" Regina added and Emma wasn't even able to answer. She just started to cry.

Regina knew his was hard to talk about for the blonde, but it was necessary, so she pushed on. She knew she could do that at least a bit more than Kathryn. She knew Emma had upped and left once or twice when Kathryn had pushed too hard. Regina knew she could be wrong about being able to do this, but she decided to risk it.

"I hope you don't mind me asking this Emma, but did you and Ruby ever sleep together?"

"Yeah.. Once. It was.. Ugh it was after you had taken me here the first day we saw each other..." Emma sighed and looked away. It was to hurtful to talk about this and she knew it couldn't be easy for Regina to hear.

"Emma. Please explain?" Regina stuttered and the blonde took a deep breathe before she dared to meet her eyes again.

"I knew I should have told you but I just couldn't. It triggered when I met you in the parking garage because I was raped in a similar place to that... And when you brought me here.. I just... I don't do well with new places because… I don't have an escape plan if I, you know, have an anxiety attack and need to be alone.." Emma admitted, while the tears were flowing down her face. When she saw Regina's hurtful look in her eyes, she just wanted to disappear. But before she even got the chance to stand up, Regina gently gripped her arm and their eyes met again.

"Don't shut me out Emma. You need to talk about this," Regina said with a serious tone in her voice. Thankfully she didn't seem to want to talk about the particular story Emma had just told her and that made the blonde angry in a way. Why should she be the only one to talk about her problems and not Regina?

"You're such a fucking hypocrite, and besides that, you're not my fucking therapist anymore!" Emma growled and Regina quickly released her grip on the young girl's arm.

"I just care about you Emma. Is that so hard to understand? I have taken you in, given you a place to live and that isn't something I would do for anybody else except for you.. " Regina said with tears stinging in her eyes. "And I have never in my life felt like I do for you… "

"I don't believe you.." Emma snarled and turned her back to Regina. The therapist walked up to her and hugged her tight from behind.

"I never say anything I don't mean Miss Swan. I do care about you. I really do."

The blonde untangled herself and turned around to met Regina's eyes. Her head was spinning and she almost felt sick.

"So how come I feel like I do about Ruby? I don't understand.."

"I think it's because you have always seen Ruby as yours. It sounds crazy but it really isn't. She has been your everything. And now when she is starting to date someone, you're terrified that this girl is gonna take Ruby away from you completely."

"I guess that makes sense.. " Emma sighed and she took Regina's hands in hers. Her mind was going rampant and the tornado of feelings in her chest made it almost difficult to breathe.

"Promise you won't leave me Regina.. Promise me. Please. I don't have anyone if Ruby disappears…" the therapist pecked the blonde's lips.

"I'm not going anywhere Emma," she whispered as her lips brushed against the blonde's. "I'm here."

Emma knew Regina was true to her words, but at the same time she didn't know if she really was going to stick around.


	23. Chapter 23

A couple of days later, Emma had an appointment with Kathryn. She was nervous and anxious, but Regina smiled at her and told her it was gonna go well. The blonde didn't really believe the words, but she just nodded.

"Come by my office afterwards and we'll have some lunch?"

"Okay," Emma replied as she went inside Kathryn's room.

Regina let out a big sigh when the door closed in front of her, because she had really wanted to kiss Emma goodbye, but had decided not to. She didn't want to push the blonde too much since she was so unstable and vulnerable at the moment.

As Regina was about to go inside her office she saw her assistant smiling like crazy. Out of curiosity she walked up to her, because a little distraction was well needed right now.

"Well well isn't someone in a very good mood this morning, hm?" Regina asked with a smirk and her young assistant just blushed.

"Yeah I had a date with that girl I told you about yesterday and she stayed the night and.. Even Rumple liked her."

"Oh then she's the one. When's the wedding?" Regina chuckled while Belle just rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, I'm going to see her tonight. And I am so excited for it! I can barely wait!" Belle giggled. Just as Regina was about to leave the assistant cleared her throat and the therapist turned back around to meet her eyes.

"Ehm sorry for asking but uhm.. how is everything going with… Miss Swan?" Regina knew the question came out of kindness and since they had worked side by side for so many years, Regina knew she could trust Belle.

"Oh I wish I could give you a simple answer but.. It's a bit rough at the moment but I hope it ends well." Regina answered, trying to not give away too much but Belle seemed to read between the lines.

"So are you.. A couple?"

"No Miss French. I'm just her friend. At least for now," Regina answered with a crooked smile.

"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and if it does, we could have a double date! That would make me die of happiness!"

"Poor choice of words Miss French," Regina replied and the assistant quickly realized what she had said.

"Oh God. I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"I know Belle, but now let's get back to work hm?"

"Yes Miss Mills."

After lunch Emma told Regina to drop her off at Ruby's. She needed to see her friend, even if Regina didn't want her to go back there so soon. So when she stopped her car outside Ruby's apartment building, Regina reached for Emma's hand and their eyes locked.

"Are you sure this is a wise move?" the therapist asked.

"I just have to see her, please? I promise I won't do anything stupid," Emma said as she leaned forward and pecked Regina's lips before she got out of the car.

The blonde was nervous when she finally stood outside Ruby's door. This was probably not a good idea. But at the same time, Emma needed to see her so she could figure out what she felt for her, deep down. So with a heavy heart she knocked on the door and the redhead opened almost immediately.

"Emma?" Ruby said and looked anxiously at her friend. "Is everything okay? Has something happened with you and Regina?"

"No I'm fine. Everything's okay but I have to talk to you and then I'll leave you alone, please?" Ruby hesitated for a second but finally she let Emma inside. It was probably a bad idea but she saw in Emma's eyes that something bothered her, so she didn't have the heart to send her away.

"So, what's up?" Ruby asked as they sat down on the couch. The blonde tried to find the right words but it seemed hopeless. Everything she came up with sounded just totally crazy but she knew she had to say _something,_ sinceRuby waited for her to say something.

"Ugh it's so fucked. But.. I… just hear me out?" Emma said as she tugged on her lower lip. The redhead frowned but nodded.

"Sure. Take your time Ems," Ruby assured her with a smile. The blonde nodded and tried to find the right words once again, but she couldn't.

So instead Emma did what her heart told her to do. She leaned in close and pressed her lips against Ruby's.


	24. Chapter 24

Ruby's eyes snapped open when she felt Emma's lips against hers and she pushed Emma backwards.

"Ems what the fuck is wrong with you?!" Ruby growled and stared at the blonde in front of her. What the hell was going on?

" **I..** I don't know.. Fuck Ruby. I don't know what the hell is going on with me…" Emma stuttered and Ruby tugged on her lower lip. Her friend looked so utterly confused it broke her heart. But this wasn't okay. Not for a minute.

"Ems? Talk to me. What just happened?"

"I'm afraid I'm losing you…" Emma sighed and started to pace around the living room as Ruby's eyes followed her.

"It feels like.. Like you threw me out because you don't want me in your life anymore.. And then you're telling me you're dating someone. It just feels like.. like I'm getting replaced.."

"Nobody could ever replace you Emma. You know that," Ruby said with a gentle tone as she tried to reach for her friend, but the blonde pulled away.

"I don't believe you," she snarled and Ruby gritted her teeth.

"Okay so it doesn't even matter what I'm right saying now apparently… so let's talk about the fact that you just kissed then me Emma, huh? Are you jealous?" Ruby snapped and Emma froze in her spot. Ruby studied her friend and even if the blonde didn't say a word, her body language did that for her and Ruby frowned.

"Oh my God. You are jealous!"

"Like you're not jealous of Regina!" Emma shot back and took a step closer. You could almost cut the tension in the room with a knife, as the two friends stared at each other in silence, before Ruby spoke up.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Emma? Why are you acting like this? It's not like you and me have ever been a couple!" Ruby spat as she felt the tears starting to sting in her eyes. This was not something she wished to speak with Emma about. Ever. It was so painful but here they were having the conversation anyway..

"I know you have feelings for me Ruby. I have always known that.. But the real question is… Have you told this new girl about that? That you're in love with somebody else?" Emma said and Ruby had to fight every urge in her body to not lose control over herself. Emma was almost asking for it but Ruby couldn't. She would never forgive herself if she hurt Emma like that.

"Get the fuck out of my sight, you fucking psycho!" the readhead instead screamed as the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

"See! You're fucking replacing me with someone else. But you're too scared to admit it out loud!" Emma shot back, tears rolling down her cheeks as well.

Emma didn't actually know what she was even saying or why she was doing this. Maybe it was because it would feel better if it was _she_ who pushed Ruby away and not the other way around. But it didn't. It felt awful but she couldn't take back what she had said. She just had to deal with the fact that she had practically thrown away the only friend that had always been there for her. And why? Emma didn't even know.

Emma just dried her tears and headed for the door. Ruby sunk down on the couch as she heard the door close with a bang. What the hell had just happened? With tears literally flowing down her cheeks, the redhead reached for her phone and sent Belle a text with shaking hands.

 **R : Baby please. I need you… Like now. I'm breaking apart.**

Regina heard a sudden knock on her door and wondered who it could be, because she didn't have any more patients today.

"Come in," the therapist said as she took off her glasses.

"Miss Mills, I don't want disturb you but.. I gotta leave early.. Like right now. ," Belle said with a shaking voice and Regina raised an eyebrow. Her assistant had never in all these years had to excuse herself from work early.

"Is something wrong? Is your cat sick?" Regina asked anxiously as Belle closed the door behind her.

"No Rumple is fine. But.. the girl I'm dating. She sent me this text and said she needed me because she wasn't doing well and.." Regina cut her assistent off with a wave of her hand.

"Just go dear. And take the day off tomorrow to take care of her, okay?"

"Really?" Belle asked a bit surprised.

"Yes Miss French. Now go."

"Thank you Miss Mills," Belle said as she rushed out of the office.

Emma jumped on a bus and felt the anxiety crawl under her skin. She scratched her arms bloody with her nails as she cried. Some people stared at her but she didn't care. She had never cared about what people thought about her, so when she stood up from her seat, she spat at one old man who had been staring at her the whole damn ride.

"What are you doing!?" he snarled and Emma just shrugged and gave him the finger before she jumped off the bus.

When Emma walked out of the elevator, she was shaking so badly she could barely walk properly. She walked straight into Regina's office without even knocking. The therapist almost panicked when she saw Emma and her bloody wrists. If Kathryn saw this, she would send Emma away immediately and Regina knew her friend was in the office next to her at the moment.

"Emma, my God. What's happened to you?"

"I just wanna go home Regina… Please."

"Of course," the therapist said and helped Emma put on her jacket and grabbed her hand. They shared a quick look before they went home.


	25. Chapter 25

Belle's heart was in her throat as she opened the door to Ruby's apartment.

"Ruby?" she called without an answer. "Ruby? Where are you?" Still no answer. The brunette took a deep breath as she closed the door behind her and went inside the living room where she found Ruby crying her eyes out on the couch.

"My beautiful Ruby, what's going on?" Belle asked anxiously and wrapped her arms around Ruby who was shaking like a leaf. She cuddled close and Belle tightened her grip around her and tried to comfort her as best she could. It broke her heart to see Ruby this sad. She cupped her head in her hands and made Ruby gently meet her eyes.

"Ruby please tell me what has happened. What's wrong baby?"

Ruby pulled away and dried her tears. She heard Emma's words spin around in her head.

"Emma was here.. She.. She kissed me," Belle's eyes snapped open and the brunette felt a nagging feeling in her chest. She knew she shouldn't feel threatened since Regina and Emma apparently had something going on but the brunette didn't want to say anything about that. Not since Regina had told her she was nothing more than friends with Emma, at least for now. But this made her head spin. And Belle wasn't the one to snoop, but at the same time, she wondered what the hell Emma was up to. But then again, that wasn't her business. Or was it?

Ruby was her business at least. She was her highest priority, even more important to her then Rumple. But the words that finally left Belle's mouth dripped of anxiety and jealousy, even if it wasn't her intent.

"And what did you do then when she kissed you? Did you kiss her back?"

"Of course not!" Ruby shot back.

Belle sighed and felt how her mind started to spin even more. She suddenly felt nauseous and sick to her stomach. She wondered if this relationship with Ruby was a good idea. It didn't feel like that, since Emma was still in the picture. Belle let out a big sigh and wondered what she should do. If she should leave or stay.

The first thing Regina did when they got home was to take Emma inside her house to clean her bloody arms. It all was done in silence, but as soon as the blood was gone, Regina let her fingertips glance over the wrists. Emma finally looked up and met her eyes.

"Please.. Don't.." the young girl said but Regina just shook her head and placed a kiss on each wrist.

"You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself Emma. Not a bit. You're beautiful."

"I said...don't," Emma growled and pulled away. Regina nodded and took a step back. She leaned over the counter and took a deep breath.

Regina thought about her sister. About how she had seen her cuts and how she had turned a blind eye to it. How she even had begged her to cover up her disgusting cuts. She felt terrible about it now and that was why she wanted Emma to know she was beautiful, despite her scars.

Emma studied Regina. She knew she just wanted to help her but Emma was so scared. She had never let anyone touch her scars like she just had done with Regina. And Emma felt so damn naked and exposed in a way she had never done before.

"Regina, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.." Emma said as the therapist turned around.

"I know you're not used to this, having someone caring about you like I do. But Emma, you have to start thinking about how you express yourself to other people, okay?"

Emma nodded a yes and stood up. She walked up to Regina and embraced her in a tight hug. When they parted Regina smiled at her and dried her eyes.

"I kissed Ruby today.." Emma said with a groan as Regina frowned. "I just.. I just lost control. And Ruby got really angry.. And she said she didn't want to see me anymore.. I just fuck up every chance I have ever had to be happy and trust me. I will fuck this… This, whatever this is.. I will fuck it up as well. Just.. Why can't you just let me die?"

Ruby would always freak out when Emma said something about suicide. But Regina didn't. She stood in front of her and Emma didn't know what to say or how she should react.

"You can be happy Emma. I know that. You just have to believe in yourself okay?" Regina said carefully and Emma merely shrugged.

"Don't tell me some therapist bullshit okay!? I had a chance to be happy. I looked forward to being a mother but I fucked that up as well, so, ugh just let me be!" Emma snapped and left the bathroom. Regina just followed after.

Emma ran outside but didn't get far before she felt a firm hand grab her arm, making her turn around.

"Regina please just.. Let me go. Just let me go, " Emma sobbed and those words broke Regina's heart. It had been exactly those words her sister had used when she had found her bleeding on the floor.. It had been her last words. So Regina froze in her spot, suddenly realizing what she was doing.

Could she really save Emma? Or was she a lost cause?


	26. Chapter 26

Belle stayed the night at Ruby's. The redhead had fallen asleep in her arms as fast as they had laid down in the bed, but the brunette couldn't sleep. She thought about Emma and what she and Ruby shared. It left Belle feeling a bit unsure and even if she really liked Ruby, the thought of being with her really was a good idea entered her mind again. Sleep came to her when the sun came up.

Emma returned to the guest house late that night and even if Regina had said she could sleep in her bed, the blonde had said no. She needed her own space and she needed to sort out her thoughts, but, as usual, she couldn't. Her mind was going wild and the blonde groaned as she tossed and turned in the bed.

Emma wondered if she would ever see Ruby again. And if she could live without her best friend? No. Emma knew she definitely couldn't. But after her behavior today… after being a total ass to Ruby, Emma wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to have a thing to do with her again.. When Emma finally closed her eyes, she thought about the first time she and Ruby had met.

 _Emma was exhausted. She reached down in her pocket and tried to count the little cash she had, wondering if it could buy her something to eat. She doubted it though, but her mouth was watering from seeing all the restaurants she walked by. She continued to walk because this was a fancy neighborhood and her money wouldn't be accepted here, because of the way she looked._

 _People looked down at her, as they always had. Emma was a foster kid with a rough past and after bouncing around in the system her whole life she had gotten fed up and finally taken things into her own hands and ran away. She had upped and left in the middle of the night and just jumped on the first bus she had seen._

 _Emma begged for money and slept in an alley. She was just a teenager, but already tired of life. She just wanted to be happy, to be loved and to have some place to call home. But she didn't see a future for herself. And if there was one, it wasn't a bright one anyhow._

 _Soon Emma's legs didn't want to carry her anymore and she stumbled into a little diner. It looked misplaced here but she didn't care. She just wanted to sit down in one of those warm booths and maybe eat something. But she didn't think her money would buy her anything more than a coffee._

 _As she walked inside and up to the counter she was met by a old woman and a girl who looked to be around Emma's age. They both greeted her with a warm smile and the blonde felt her whole body relax. She was so used to being thrown out because of the way she looked._

" _Hi there, can I get you something?" the young waitress asked as Emma looked at the money she had in her hand._

" _Ehm do you have anything to eat for like.. 4 dollars? I know it's not much but it's all I have" Emma said with a shrug as she tugged on her lower lip._

 _Emma watched as the redhead gave her grandmother a quick look before she turned her attention back to the blonde._

" _Put away the money and just tell me what you would die for to eat," the waitress said with a grin and the blonde frowned at first. She wasn't used to anyone being this nice to her. Not without wanting something in return._

" _What.. What do you mean?"_

" _Just tell me what you feel like eating, and I'll pay for it. So you can keep what little money you have, okay?"_

" _Wow. Thank you.. Ehm.." the blonde quickly read the waitress name tag before she met her eyes again. "Thank you Ruby."_

" _No problems," Ruby shrugged._

" _I'm Emma."_

" _Welcome to granny's. And the old woman back there is my granny," Ruby grinned and Emma just nodded._

" _So, what do you want to eat?"_

" _Oh I'd really love a blt sandwich with fries. If that's not too much?" Emma said with a unsure tone in her voice but Ruby assured her it wasn't._

 _Before Emma left she and Ruby had exchanged phone numbers and the waitress had even given Emma the tip she had made that day. The blonde had refused to take it at first since it was almost 300 dollars but Ruby had insisted. So Emma took it and left the diner with a smile. That money would help her get a cheap room for a couple of nights so she didn't have to sleep in some sleazy alley._

When Regina went to work the next day she noticed her assistant was more quiet than usual. And Regina couldn't ignore it. She knew something was not right so she told Belle to come inside her office so they could talk undisturbed.

"So Miss french," she began but was quickly cut off by Belle.

"I hope I'm not in trouble. I haven't done anything wrong have I? " she asked anxiously but the therapist shook her head.

"No Miss French, you haven't done anything wrong, I just wondered if you were doing well? You just seem oddly quiet," Regina said carefully as Belle sighed.

"I'm sorry for behaving like this, but I'm worried about that girl I've been seeing for a while.."

Regina wondered why Belle still hadn't told her the girl's name but she didn't ask. She guessed Belle had her reasons but, in a way, it felt like she didn't trust Regina enough and that made the therapist a bit sad.

"Belle, I hope you don't mind me asking but.. What's this girl's name? You haven't told me."

Belle tugged on her lower lip and felt her heart in her throat. This was just getting more and more complicated but she guessed it would get out soon anyway who she was dating, so she took a deep breath before she met Regina's eyes.

"It's Ruby. Emma's friend."

Regina almost gasped but stopped herself just in time. Instead she straightened her posture and nodded at her assistant.

"I see.." Regina said and Belle nodded carefully. "I can see why you haven't wanted to tell me her name until now. Does Ruby know you work for me?"

"No Miss Mills. She doesn't," Belle replied and Regina nodded again. "I guess it's not a good idea if she knew that huh? "

"Not exactly," Regina replied and took off her glasses.

"She's not so fond of me and I guess it's because she has such strong feelings for Emma," the words weren't supposed to come out at all. But Regina had let her self control slip for a bit and when she realized what she had said she shook her head at herself.

"I hope you knew that?"

"No but I do now.." Belle shrugged. "And the reason why I haven't wanted to tell you it's Ruby I'm seeing.. Well it's because I know you already have it tough with Emma."

Regina offered her assistant a sad smile.

"You would make a very good therapist if you had ever wanted to go back to school, dear."

"Nah I've just studied you and I'm doing good as your assistant," Belle chuckled and stood up.

"Well, I hope things work out between you and Miss Lucas because I have seen how happy she makes you, but Miss French, please keep this between us okay? "

"Yes Miss Mills. And thanks for being so understanding."

As Belle left the room and finally sat down at her desk again, she felt the anxiety in her chest. Ruby did actually have feelings for Emma…this just got even more complicated than it already was.

Emma decided to take the bus to town that day, to visit Ruby. She would probably not even be let inside, but she didn't care. She just needed to let Ruby know how regretful she was over her behavior the other day. It had been not even close to okay. And when Emma finally knocked on Ruby's door, she held her breath.

Ruby wasn't in the mood for any guests at all, but since the person knocking didn't stop, she let out a big groan as she finally opened the door. When she saw it was Emma standing in front of her, Ruby didn't know how she would react. So she stood speechless for a minute or two.

"Ems? What are you doing here?" she finally managed to say.

"I'm here to apologize to you. My behavior yesterday wasn't okay.." Emma shrugged and Ruby gestured for her to come inside.


	27. Chapter 27

Belle decided to cut the work day short. She just wanted to curl up with a good book and pet her cat. Rumple greeted her by the door and the brunette picked him up in her arms as she walked inside her living room where she sat down. Rumple purred on her knee and he cuddled as close as he could as he noticed his owner was anxious.

Belle chuckled at his behavior and continued to pet him. She leaned back on the couch and felt how the tears were stinging in her eyes. She opened them again though as she felt Rumple bump his head against hers. She smiled at him and he sat on her stomach, almost begging her to tell him what was wrong. So Belle did.

"I know you like her Rumple and I do that too, but she.. She has feelings for her best friend and it's so complicated…" Belle sighed and Rumple still looked straight into her eyes. "I really want to fall in love but I want a happy relationship. I don't want drama and chaos. And it feels like that's what I'm gonna get if I continue this…"

Ruby listened closely to Emma's every word. She knew she had also behaved badly but it had been Emma who had made the situation go so wrong. At the same time, Ruby knew Emma was not like other people. Maybe that was the biggest reason she loved her so much.

"Can you forgive me Rubes?" Emma asked and the redhead dragged her into a deep hug.

"I'll forgive you Ems. Just.. Don't do something like that again huh? You're gonna scare off my girlfriend," Ruby said with a grin and Emma dried her eyes.

"I'm happy for you Rubes. I just.. I freaked out. I thought you were replacing me with her and I can't see a life without you in it, you know.."

"I know Ems.. But you have something going on with Regina right? So everything is gonna work out fine huh?"

"Maybe for you. For me? Nah, I doubt it," Emma said with a shrug as she pulled away.

"Ems come on, I know Regina cares for you. I mean she offered to take you in, right? And that's big yeah?"

Emma shrugged again and looked down at her scarred arms and felt Ruby take one of her hands.

"Ems, you have darkness inside you, I'm not gonna deny that. But you're _not_ your darkness. Do you understand?"

As the night took over the sky, Regina was still at her office. It wasn't like she was behind on any work, it was just that she didn't want to go home. That meant she had to face Emma and she didn't know if she could manage that. None of the education she had could help her either. Emma was like _none_ other she had met, and that drove Regina almost mad. But the biggest reason she was losing her mind was that Emma reminded her of her deceased sister.

With a big sigh Regina leaned back in her chair and took off her glasses. She had tried to forget her sister, but since Emma had come into her life, the memory of Zelena had started to take it's place inside her head again. Like a migraine that refused to go away, despite pills.

 _Regina was a kid who did good in school, and everyone loved her. She was popular and never had got in any trouble. Her bigger sister though, was just the opposite. Zelena had always had difficulties in school, even if she had extra help. Their parents did as best they could but they never succeeded._

 _Zelena was 16 when she started to experiment with drugs and alcohol. Regina heard her every night when she climbed into their shared room. She knew she should tell their parents about it but Regina didn't.. She was afraid of her sister, and had always been._

 _Zelena was never been nice to her. She was a real bitch and Regina hated the fact that they had to share the same room. Since the house was huge, there wasn't really a reason for it. But Regina never asked why._

 _One day when Regina came home from school the house was oddly quiet. She knew Zelena was home and she always had music on. Now the whole house laid in a silence, a sort of silence that made Regina's skin crawl. She ran up to their room as she noticed the door was closed. It was never closed, mostly because they weren't allowed to do so. So, Regina frowned but opened the door. She found her sister in a pool of blood, with her wrists slit.. It would be a sight that would haunt Regina for years._

Regina snapped her eyes open, her heart beating like crazy at that memory. She shook her head and reached for her things and headed down to her car. She drove home in silence and immediately went to the guesthouse. Emma was home and that made the therapist at least a bit less anxious. She knocked on the door carefully and opened it when Emma said come in.

Emma smiled when she saw Regina but the smile faded rather fast when she realized how sad Regina looked.

"Hey, are you okay?" the therapist didn't even answer so the blonde walked up to her and cupped her face in her hands, making Regina look at her. Her eyes were filled with anxiety and Emma wondered why.

"Miss Swan, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do this anymore.. I'm sorry," she said and pulled away. The young girl felt the anxiety rise and she wondered what the hell was going on.

"What do you mean Regina?" Emma snapped, feeling absolutely terrified. "Are you throwing me out?!" _where am I supposed to go then?_ The blonde thought to herself.

"I.. I don't know.. But this.." Regina began to say as she gestured with her hands. "This isn't gonna work. You shut me out Emma and that hurts so terribly much and I can't cope with that, I can't watch you slip away like this.. I just can't.. " the tears started to roll down Regina's cheeks and Emma's heart broke.

"Hey, look at me. I'm not going anywhere okay? We're gonna figure this out, yeah? In some way?" Emma's voice was shaking and Regina dried her eyes.

"I don't think it's that easy Miss Swan..Even if I wish it was."


	28. Chapter 28

Regina broke down while in Emma's arms and the blonde felt her heart break. This wasn't the first time someone was crying because of her. Ruby had done that so many times throughout the years but seeing Regina like this felt different in some way, maybe it was because she had feelings for her? Regardless, Emma felt afraid. So, so terrified.

As Regina pulled away, Emma reached out and dried her eyes. The move made Regina smile a bit.

"I have never felt like this for anyone before," Emma said with a shaking voice as she met Regina's teary eyes. "I just want you to know that.."

Regina pressed her lips against Emma's and the kiss deepened. They needed each other's touch and as their lips parted they looked at each other in silence. The blonde took Regina's hand in hers and they sat down on the couch.

"I know I have been nothing but difficult Regina but I'm really thankful for everything you have done for me. And I'm sorry if I haven't said that before.. But I'm not… I'm not good with talking about feelings.." Emma said with a shrug.

"I know Miss Swan. But I'm happy to hear you appreciate what I've done for you," Regina said and offered the blonde a small smile.

"I'm just walking on eggshells in a way, and before something bad happens I have the tendency to fuck it up myself, you know, before life does that for me… I guess," Emma said and looked away. "I have never had someone to love and the only time I was feeling like I had that, was when I was pregnant.. And when I had the miscarriage.. It.. it felt like I can't have anything good in my life.. It's really hard to explain.."

Regina reached for one of Emma's hands and the blonde looked up and met her eyes.

"Emma, what happened to you that day when you went missing? Before I found you in the woods?" Regina asked carefully and the blonde almost curled up into a ball as she put up her legs in the couch and held her arms around them. She started to cry and Regina knew this was probably gonna make her cry as well.

"It's hard so fucking hard for me to talk about this so just… give me time? "

"of course dear" Regina said carefully and Emma nodded at her, before she looked away again.

"That night… This man.. named Robin… he found me in this bar I used to go to before.. You know while I was homeless... And I haven't even told Ruby this and I really hope this stays between us.. Can you promise me that?" Emma's voice was shaking by now, Regina's a well as she spoke up.

'I give you my word Emma, you can trust me"

"Okay.. Well… Robin was my pimp the last couple of months I was homeless. But one day I just got fed up with it.. His abuse… His sick way of controlling me… So I simply told him I was done with you know.. _That_.. He got absolutely insane… " Emma stopped for a while to catch her breath, before she continued.

"so he beat me unconscious and raped me.. But I got free. Sadly some other guy raped me as well when I had finally escaped from Robin…. So I.. I don't really don't know who got me pregnant that time. God, I'm so fucking disgusting" Emma's voice broke and she tried to catch her breath. This wasn't something she had told _anyone_. Not her new therapist. And not even ruby.. Emma still didn't dare to met Regina's look, because it would only make stuff so much much harder harder. So, she took a deep breath before she decided to continue her story, even if it actually was too painful and her whole body ached on anxiety.

"And Robin have people on the inside you know, police he pays and two of those were called to the crime scene. There was a younger police officer who came there first, and he was really friendly but when they came and he was ordered to leave. And he didn't have a choice since one of them were the deputy sheriff.. So.. Robin told them to get rid off me. They drove me out in the woods to kill me…" as Emma had said those words, she finally looked up and Regina gasped. She wouldn't believe what she had just heard. Her heart broke for Emma.

"Did he.. Did Robin rape you this time too?"

"Yes.." Emma shrugged and the therapist gritted her teeth.

"Emma, I need you to report this to the police. He needs to get punished for this."

"Like I just said, he has people on the inside so it would never stick…"

Emma rose up from the couch as she felt a desperate need for a smoke. Regina followed suit as she felt the same. They sat down on the porch in silence before Regina spoke up.

"Have you… have you gotten your period after the last rape?" Regina asked all of a sudden and Emma almost dropped the cigarette she held in her hand. She thought about it and it suddenly jt hit her that she hadn't. Emma didn't have to answer because when Regina saw the pale look in her face, she knew the answer. "I have a pregnancy test in the bathroom. I want you to take that Miss Swan."

Emma didn't know what she should do if the test came out positive even if she actually wished it did in some weird way. She had felt so happy the last time she had accepted the fact she was pregnant. Even if the situation had been _anything_ but ideal. The blonde's mind was going crazy by now.

Regina was standing just outside the door and her knock brought Emma back to reality.

"Miss Swan, have you taken the test?" she asked with a careful voice but Emma didn't answer. The test was indeed taken, but it laid in her closed hand for the moment. She was too afraid to even look at it.

When Regina didn't get an answer she gently opened the door and found Emma sitting on the toilet with a closed fist, and she suspected the pregnancy test was in that hand. She met Emma's eyes and kneeled down in front of her as she laid her hand around Emma's closed one.

"Do you want me to look for you?" she asked but the blonde shook her head. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No.. " Emma said with a shaking voice. "I want you to stay with me.. Please?"

"Of course Miss Swan. I'm here, so should we look?" Emma nodded and with Regina's company, she finally had the guts to open her hand.

"Its positive…"


	29. Chapter 29

**I just want to thank you all for your comments. They always make me smile!**

… **..**

Belle awoke on her couch with Rumple fast asleep on her stomach. She reached for her phone and snapped a picture of him before she saw she had gotten a text from Ruby.

 **R - I miss you**

It was a short text but it made her smile anyway. She had dreamed about the redhead and she wondered what she should answer, but before she had the chance to reply to it, her phone buzzed again, this time, waking up her cat. But Rumple just stretched before he laid his head down again and fell right back to sleep.

 **R** \- **i know this is whole thing with Emma and me is probably making you unsure about the two of us. And there is something I haven't told you.. I have feelings for Emma. Or at least I had until you showed up. I guess. Then you came along and turned my world upside down, in a good way. But I get this situation is really weird and believe me when say I wish things were different.. I just want you to know that.. And I don't blame you if you want to end this thing between us. But I hope you won't.. Because what I feel for you Belle, is something I have never felt for anyone before. Not even for Emma.**

Belle tugged on her lip and felt her heart skip a beat as she re-read the text once more before she typed a reply.

Ruby wasn't able to sleep. Her mind was a mess, so she was sitting on her couch, drinking whiskey. She had sent Belle two texts, fearing the brunette would never want to talk to her again. Ruby was convinced she would live alone the rest of her life, with this empty void in her stomach. Sure, she had told Emma that Belle was her girlfriend, but that had been nothing but a lie. Ruby had just wanted Emma to feel a bit happier, even if that apparently hadn't worked. And she had lied to herself as well. For some reason, that was more hurtful.

So when her phone suddenly buzzed, showing Belles name on the screen, Ruby almost dropped her glass of whisky. Just _that_ she had gotten a reply made made her smile. This maybe meant Belle still wanted her in her life. Maybe.

 **B : I miss you too. And yes this thing with Emma is a shit situation. But I'm happy you're honest with me.. And I can't stop thinking about you, Ruby Lucas, because I have never felt like this for anyone else either.**

 **R : So, you actually wanna give us a chance?**

 **B : Don't make me change my mind, you idiot ;) so, do you want to be my girl now or what?**

Ruby felt the smile on her face only grow bigger as she stayed to typ a response quickly, almost like she feared the brunette would actually change her mind if she didn't.

 **R : i would be proud to call myself your girl!**

The next day Emma and Regina went to the hospital. The therapist insisted that Emma got a physical exam done, since she had decided to not have abortion this time around either.

" _Its positive.." Emma said as she looked up and met Regina's eyes._

" _So it is.." the therapist said and tugged on her lower lip._

" _Shit.." the blonde cursed._

" _What do you want to do about it..?" Regina asked as she put her hand on Emma's flat stomach. The blonde laid her hands over Regina's and they hadn't lost eye contact yet._

" _I want to keep it.." Emma almost whispered._

" _Then I will help you with the baby, if you want me to?"_

" _The real question is do you really want to do that?" Emma shrugged, quite surprised that Regina seemed to be so calm._

" _Yes Miss Swan, I would love to. But only if you want me to" Regina replied with a gentle smile._

 _The blonde was a bit shocked by the response. She wasn't expecting that. She was almost expecting Regina to insist on a abortion. But she still couldn't really believe Regina meant what she said._

" _So.. you actually want to.. help me?" Emma asked with a frown and Regina simply nodded._

" _Like I said. If you want me to, I would gladly help you… maybe as your girlfriend even?" Regina said and Emma felt a smile spread on her lips._

" _Okay. Let's do that."_

Emma hadn't visited a doctor the last time she had been pregnant. But what was she supposed to do, without insurance and no money in her pocket. And she hadn't had the heart to ask ruby for money back then, because she had already done so so much for her..

This time around though, regina paid for it. She had offered to do it before the blonde had even asked, and she refused to take no as an answer. Even if Regina didn't seem to have a problem paying, Emma felt anxious over it. Mostly because she hated that she didn't have any own money. She just felt like a such a burden…

Emma was so nervous about this appointment, and the reason to the uneasy feeling was that she knew the doctor would probably ask her about the rather was. Regina's company made her relax a bit at least but not completely.

The blonde hardly got the chance to hear the doctor's name before she was asked just the question she had dreaded. Suddenly unable to speak, she glanced over to Regina and the therapist almost read her mind as she placed a careful kiss on Emma's forehead, before she looked at the doctor.

"My girlfriend was raped, Doctor Whale," Regina simple said and the man almost looked embarrassed for asking the question like he had.

"So I guess you're getting an abortion then Miss Swan?"

"No I want to keep it.." Emma huffed and Doctor Whale offered her a gentle smile in response, making her relax completely. She had been so worried about getting some ass hole of a doctor, but this man seemed to be really sweet. And he hadn't batted an eye when Regina had told her she was her girlfriend either.

"I think that's very admirable of you Miss Swan. I myself think every kid deserves a chance" he said with a gentle tone as he reached for Emma's file, before he looked back at her.

"So, do you remember the last time you had your period, Miss Swan?" Dr. Whale asked carefully but Emma simply shook her head. She had never cared about her body so..

"that's okay Miss Swan. Most women your age don't," he reassured with another smile as he put away her file. "so this is the plan.. I'm just gonna take some blood for tests and your blood pressure as well so I know your body is healthy enough to take care of this baby, if that's okay with you?"

The blood pressure looked good and the doctor told her he would get the answers to the blood samples the next week. And he informed her that if he didn't call, everything was looking good. She just nodded a reply as he asked her to remove her shirt for him to be able to perform an ultrasound.

Emma was so happy to have Regina by her side now, because her anxiety started to crawl under her skin and she quickly reached for Regina's hand. The cold lubricant made her shiver but when the doctor started to examine her, both women's attention turned to the screen, and Emma's anxiety was gone in a matter of seconds.

"Your child seems to be doing just fine Miss Swan," Dr. Whale said when he looked at the screen. "And considering the baby's small size, I would guess it's almost a month and a half."

After Emma's appointment, Regina decided to call her assistant, to say she could take the day off. Regina had plenty of vacation days to use and she planned on using one of those today. Emma was tired and needed to go home and she refused to let her go home alone.

"Oh really, is something wrong?" the brunette frowned, standing in her hallway when she got the call from Regina.

"No dear, everything is just fine. But I'll explain everything tomorrow," Regina smiled.

"okay well, I'll see you tomorrow then Miss Mills," Belle replied before she hung up. The brunette stood in the hallway for a bit and tugged on her lip, wondering what she should do. Then she remembered Ruby was working at Granny's today so she decided to go there. She knew a surprise visit would cheer her girlfriend up.

"Hi Ruby," Belle said as the waitress turned around and met her eyes.

"Oh my God Belle! What a pleasant surprise! You hungry?"

"Always," Belle replied with a grin..

"Then take a seat and I'll fix you some brunch," Ruby smiled and pecked the brunette's lips before she disappeared into the kitchen.

Ruby grinned when she got into the kitchen where her grandmother was. The old woman didn't have to work because Ruby had made sure she had a really good pension, but she loved to work. And she still owned a small percent in the Cafe as well.

Besides that, granny was way too social to just stay at home and the customers as well as the employees loved her. And this cafe had been the one that had started Ruby's fortune, so Eugenia loved to be here, even if it looked very different now compared to when she had owned it.

"What are you smiling at, girl?" granny chuckled when her granddaughter told her to make the brunch special.

"well I have someone out there I want you to meet," Ruby shrugged as granny plated the food. The old woman raised an eyebrow but followed Ruby out to the dining area. They walked up to a table where a petite brunette was sitting.

"Granny, meet Belle, my girlfriend," Ruby grinned and sat down beside her. The old woman smiled and shook Belle's hand before she sat down in front of her.

"Belle, this is my grandmother Eugenia," Ruby added and the brunette nodded.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Lucas," Belle said and the old woman chuckled.

"Oh it has been a long time since anyone have called me that. Just call me granny, like everyone else does," she said and Belle nodded at the old woman with a small smile, before she started to eat.

Dr. Whale had done a thorough check up on Emma because of the miscarriage she had suffered the last time she had been pregnant. And after the doctors visit, the blonde was drained. Regina decided to take the young girl home to her city apartment so Emma could rest for a couple of hours before they went back to the country house. The blonde had agreed but she didn't actually care. She just wanted to sleep as her eyelids felt like they weighed tons.

"get some rest, dear and I'll have some dinner ready when you wake up," Regina said as they hung up their jackets. But the blonde shook her head at her words, which made the therapist frown.

"can't you nap with me?" Emma said and reached for Regina's hand. The therapist couldn't help but smile as she took the blonde's hand and led them into the bedroom.


	30. Chapter 30

**Sorry for the wait guys, but here you go. I just want to put a extra trigger warning on this chapter due to self harm mentioning.**

Regina pecked Emma's lips and nodded. They walked inside the bedroom, and climbed down under the covers in silence. Regina laid down behind Emma and put her arms around her, hoping the blonde would appreciate it and she did. Emma actually snuggled as close as she could and Regina pressed a gentle kiss to her neck.

"Are you okay?" the therapist asked carefully.

"Yeah I guess.. Are you?" Emma replied, still wrapped in Regina's strong arms. The blonde had never in her life felt this safe. And she who usually didn't like psychical touch like this.

"Yes I'm very okay Miss Swan. And even more so. I'm happy."

"Me too," Emma yawned. Regina couldn't help but smile, before they both drifted off to sleep.

A couple of hours later, they were woken up by some banging on the door. The sound made Emma snap her eyes open in a matter of seconds, but before she had the chance to move, she felt Regina pull her closer. This time around though, time Emma didn't feel safe in her arms, she felt trapped.

"Emma, it's okay. I'm here. And you don't have to worry about anything. I promise.. Just go back to sleep"

"Are you really sure? " the blonde replied with a skeptical tone in her voice.

"Yes I promise, just stay here and rest a bit longer and I'll be right back" Regina said as she let go of Emma and stood up. The blonde immediately missed her girlfriends strong arms around her as she had calmed down.

"Hm, if you say so.. " Emma replied with a small pout. Regina just chuckled before she leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on the blonde's forehead. The small move made the blonde finally relax again so she closed her eyes.

Regina wrapped herself in a nightgown and studied her girlfriend in silence for awhile. When she was certain Emma had fallen back to sleep again, she headed downstairs to the hall. She knew it was Kathryn on the other side of the door so she just smiled as she opened it.

"Hello dear," Regina said and invited her friend inside.

"Sorry to disturb, I just wanted to check that everything was okay, since I didn't see you at work today.. And well I got a bit concerned..so is Miss Swan okay?" Kathryn asked with a low voice.

"I'll assure you everything is absolutely fine, dear. Please follow me inside the kitchen. I'll make us some coffee and we can have have a chat, hm?"

Emma blinked her eyes open when the scent of coffee reached her nose. She stretched her whole body like a cat before she sat up with a big yawn. She found a pair of sweatpants and pulled them on before she headed out to the kitchen where she found Regina together with her therapist Kathryn.

At first the blonde got a bit worked up, before she remembered they were friends.

"Hi Kathryn." Emma smiled as she sat down with them. Regina poured her girlfriend a cup of coffee and pecked her lips. The move intrigued Kathryn as she studied Emma in silence.

The young girl looked happy in a way she had never seen her and that made Kathryn really relieved to see, because she had been having her doubts about releasing the blonde girl into Regina's care at first. Now it seemed she had made the right decision after all.

"Happy to see you miss swan. How are you doing?" Kathryn asked when she noticed how Emma and Regina shared a quick look, before the blonde met her curious eyes. A 'normal' person would probably not notice that look, but Kathryn did. And she couldn't help but wonder what that particular look meant as she took a sip of her coffee.

"I'm good Mrs Nolan and well.. I'm pregnant," Emma suddenly said, and the last sentence almost made Kathryn choke on her coffee.

"You're what…?" she frowned. "How?" the question made the blonde tense up immediately, something Regina quickly snapped up.

"It's nothing we need to talk about now Kathryn dear, " Regina piped in as Emma's hand took hers.

"Oh no no of course not. We can save that for our next session on Monday," Kathryn said and Emma just nodded. She didn't have it in her to talk about that awful evening. Not twice in such a short period. Once was more than enough.

"so let's speak of something else.. Like, how are things between you two? I hope you don't mind me saying this but, considering that little kiss earlier, it looks like you're…"

"A couple?" Regina chuckled as she cut her friend off with a smirk. "Yes, we're a couple."

"Oh wow! Congrats to you guys! " Kathryn said with a big smile.

"Thank you dear" Regina replied while Emma kept quiet.

"This calls for a celebration! And with that I mean, dinner at my place tonight. David can make his famous chicken dish! Yeah?" Kathryn grinned. Emma simply shrugged and looked at Regina with a nervous look in her eyes, and it spoke more than a thousand words. Since this whole altercation with Robin, Emma was terrified of meeting new men. At least for the moment. Her anxiety started to rise but Regina's voice made her snap back to reality, but she was still tense and a little bit lost in her own head.

"You don't have to worry about Kathryn's husband dear, he's the sweetest man there is. I promise." Regina assured her girlfriend and Emma's whole body posture relaxed a bit.

"So that's a yes?" Kathryn smiled as she turned her eyes to Emma.

"I guess?" the blonde replied and Kathryn's smile only widened.

"Wonderful! So let's say my place at, should we say seven?"

"That sounds good, dear," Regina smiled as her friend drank the last of her coffee in an enormous chug before she left the apartment.

"are you really sure it's a good idea to go there? I mean.. I don't do well with new people… Or new places… " Emma said as she helped Regina with the dishes. The therapist leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Kathryn lives one floor up in this house and if you feel anxious it's close to home, and if you need to leave because of that, it's okay. No one will judge you for that Emma." the therapist spoke gently and calm.

Emma wanted to believe her but it was hard. She hated the fact that she couldn't just be like 'everyone else'. She hated to be damaged goods. Even if she knew, deep inside, she couldn't avoid doing things like this because that only meant she let her anxiety control her life more.

"Okay. I'll give it a try." Emma shrugged as her eyes met Regina's again.

"And that is more than enough my dear"

Belle clicked with Ruby's grandmother immediately. They behaved like they had been friends for years and that brought a smile to Ruby's face.

"I just need to visit the restroom. I'll be back in a few," Belle said after Granny had finished some story about ruby's childhood. The brunette gave Ruby a kiss before she left them.

"So, do you like her?" Ruby asked with a small smile when they were alone.

"Oh I love her Ruby, she seems to be such a sweet girl," granny replied happily. "And you know how much I love Emma but this... Belle has only love in her eyes when she looks at you.."

"Yeah.." the waitress shrugged.

"Speaking of Emma, how is she?" Granny asked carefully, since she knew the subject was still sensitive for her granddaughter.

"Well… She's living with Regina for the moment. And I guess she's doing good. I haven't talked with her in a while," Ruby said and hoped her grandmother would buy her lie. She wasn't in the mood for talking about Emma right now, even if she knew her grandmother wouldn't let the subject go so easily. And this time around was no different.

"Regina? Her therapist?" granny frowned.

"Yes, or, well, no. She's not her therapist anymore. She's seeing another therapist for the moment.." Ruby replied.

"Oh.. I just hope she's treating her well. Emma deserves that at least. That poor, poor girl."

It had been ages, or it at least felt like it, since Emma had gone to someone's place for dinner. She had curled her hair and put on some makeup she had found in the bathroom. She had even chosen a red, tight dress to wear, that Ruby had bought her months ago.

Emma had felt hesitant wearing it at first though, since it meant she couldn't hide her scarred arms under a hoodie like she usually did. But she wanted to look good for Regina, and the dress showed off her curves perfectly. She just hoped her girlfriend would like it.

Regina was already dressed and busy making herself a little drink when Emma joined her in the kitchen. The therapist almost dropped the glass she had in her hand when saw how beautiful Emma looked.

Regina had never seen Emma look so spectacular as she did in this moment.

"Do I look okay?" the blonde asked anxiously as Regina put down her glass and walked up to her girlfriend. She pressed a gentle kiss on her lips and smiled.

"You look absolutely breathtaking, dear."

"Thanks. You too." the blonde replied nervously.

Emma's red dress looked like a garbage bag in comparison to Regina's black one though. It fit her body so perfect and her dark hair was for once let down, touching her shoulders. Emma couldn't believe this beautiful woman wanted someone like her.

When they arrived at Kathryn apartment, Emma immediately felt anxious. Her grip around Regina's hand tightened. She wanted to go home again.. And as the anxiety was making it hard to breath, Emma felt the urge to cut herself, even if she hadn't done that in such a long time.

Regina's eyes met hers and Emma tugged on her lower lip. The blonde knew she needed to do _something_ to prevent the anxiety from taking over too much. And then she remembered the cigarettes in her pocket. She knew she wasn't supposed to smoke since she was pregnant. But she guessed it was better than cutting.. Right?

Emma felt terrible but she had promised both Regina and herself to stop smoking soon.. But for the moment… She needed it and she needed air.

Regina placed a careful kiss on her cheek and no words needed to be spoken in that moment because she saw what Emma was thinking. Even if Regina didn't like the fact that she was still smoking, she knew it helped ease her girlfriend's anxiety. Despite that, it was reductantly Regina let go off her hand and watched Emma disappear out to the balcony.

Kathryn raised an eyebrow when Emma just walked straight by her without even saying hello or acknowledging her presence. And when she saw the blonde lit a cigarette on her balcony she frowned. So when she had welcomed Regina, the therapist asked if everything actually was okay with Emma.

"She's doing the best she can. And yes, I know she shouldn't be smoking, but she needed something to ease her anxiety, dear. And I try to see it as a better method then cutting" Regina said and Kathryn nodded.

"Well I guess I can look over her medications and add maybe some Xanax or something" Kathryn shrugged before she shock her head. She wasn't supposed to discuss work now.

"well anyhow.. Does this pregnancy mean you're going to raise the kid together with Miss Swan? I mean, you haven't been together for very long. So it's quite risky, isn't it?" Kathryn asked as they went out to the kitchen and poured themselves a glass of wine.

"Well, in some people's eyes maybe… But you know how lonely my life was before I met Emma… And I don't have any family left Kathryn, if I don't count you." Regina said with a bit of sadness in her voice. "Besides that, my country home is huge and it would be a wonderful place for a kid to grow up, don't you think?"

"well yes… But I'm more worried about if you can bare to live there on full-time" Kathryn said with a shrug.

The words hit Regina hard, because they were true. She had owned the county house for over a year now, but she still refused to give up her apartment in the city, even if she didn't actually need it anymore. But Kathryn didn't judge.

Regina rubbed her temples and let out a big sigh. The reason she still kept her apartment was out of fear, because even if Regina loved her house to pieces it still held bad memories for her.

For example, the room her sister had committed suicide was still a room she had closed and locked, even if it had been renovated in to a beautiful guestroom. Regina sipped on her wine and didn't know how she would answer. She felt almost torn in a way.

The dinner was almost over when Emma felt dizzy due to her anxiety. She squeezed Regina's hand and their eyes met. The therapist noticed quickly something wasn't right.

"You're pale as a ghost, Miss Swan. Do you want to go home?"

"Yes.. But you stay, please," Emma said carefully and Regina frowned. Her apartment wasn't as _safe_ as her country home and she dreaded the idea of letting Emma be there by herself.

"Don't do anything stupid," Regina said with a low voice even if the younger girl didn't answer. Emma just gave her a peck on her temple before she quickly left the apartment.

At the same time David and Kathryn came into the room with coffee and some whiskey and they both wondered where Emma had gone.

"She was tired so she went home," Regina replied but her friends felt it was weird and Kathryn wondered why the blonde had left in such a hurry. She couldn't shrug of the bad feeling she had in her stomach about it all.

Emma closed the door behind her with a bang. She threw her jacket on the floor and almost ran inside the bathroom.. She was shaking so much of anxiety by now she hardly had the strength to stand up.

Thankfully her eyes quickly found what she wanted so desperately. A _razor blade_. Emma grabbed it and locked the door behind her. Finally she sunk down on the floor, as a almost sick smile spread on her lips.

Her mind was racing as she pulled up her dress. She took a deep breath and when she felt the blade part her skin, her whole body relaxed in a matter of seconds. It had been such a long time since she had cut herself and she had been craving this for so long.

As she let the razor blade dance over her skin, she felt how all stress, all anxiety and worry ran out of her body with the blood. She loved the feeling and embraced it, hoping she never had to let go of it.

Unfortunately a sudden knock on the door made Emma snap back to reality. She was too tired to panic though, so she just groaned because she knew it was Regina on the other side. _Fuck_ the blonde thought to herself and reductenly put down the razor blade.

"Miss Swan? Miss Swan, please open the door."


	31. Chapter 31

When Regina came back to the apartment she quickly looked around, hoping she would find emma on the couch, or in the bedroom. But she didn't. And she wasn't that surprised…

Regina took a deep breathe because this could only mean one thing… that thought alone sent shivers down Regina's spine as she walked straight to the bathroom and knocked carefully on the door.

"Miss Swan?" she said with her heart in her throat. "Miss Swan, please open the door."

"No… "

"Emma… "

"I don't want you to see me like this.." Emma replied with a shaking voice and Regina dragged her fingers through her hair.

"Emma, please?"

"No. Just… Regina, leave me alone.." Emma shot back as the tears started to roll down her cheeks again. She looked at the razor blade next to her and wrapped her bleeding leg in one of Regina's towels.

"Emma, it's okay. I'm not angry with you, okay?" Regina said and Emma dried her eyes, feeling a bit confused about Regina's calm tone in her voice.

"You're not.. Angry?" Emma asked as she heard how her girlfriend sunk down on the floor, leaning against the door.

"No I'm not angry. I just.. I just want you to tell me what made you so upset.. That you turned to cutting yourself?"

The question took Emma by surprise and she let out a bit sigh. In some way she was glad there was a door between them, because this was hard enough to talk about as it was.

"I just.. I don't fit in with you Regina.. I'm a freak. A failure.. And I'm always gonna be that. I'm not beautiful or successful as you are and.. I don't deserve you.." Emma sobbed. "I'm just a pregnant and fucked up person without a future… " the blonde added and there was a long silence before Regina finally spoke up.

"Emma, you're not a freak and you're not a failure. You're just the opposite to all that!

You have just lived a horrible life but you're an amazing woman and I love you with all my heart.. And I really mean that."

"No you don't.." Emma sighed. "None of the people who have said so, have mean it… "

The words were laced with hurt and to Regina it was like someone ripped her heart out of her chest.

"Oh I wish you could believe me Emma, because I really mean it. And I want to spoil you. I want to take you out on a date and proudly tell everyone you're my girlfriend. Because I'm so proud of that. But at the moment I just…"

"And that's one of the things I'm talking about! I can't even buy you a fucking coffee because I don't have any money… no job. Not even my own apartment.. and I hate it.. " Emma groaned as she cut her girlfriend off. "I'm just a fucking parasite…"

"Please let me in so I can hold you," Regina breathed. She felt the anxiety through the door.

"No!" Emma snapped and Regina dried her eyes. This was hard on her but she refused to leave Emma alone. She feared what could happen if she did. For the moment she cursed herself for even letting her go home alone.. _Why didn't I trust my gut and went with her?_ Regina thought to herself.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you… But I just want to hold you and kiss your cuts and wounds and make you believe me when I say you're a special person Emma, because you really are."

Emma didn't know what to do or say at the moment.So instead she groaned again and used her last strength to reach for door handle and unlock the door. It didn't take more then seconds before Regina came inside.

"Oh my poor, poor Emma. What have you done to yourself?" Regina said with a voice that broke as she kneeled down in front of her girlfriend. She unwrapped Emma's leg and saw all the cuts she had made. Her whole leg was bleeding.

Emma usually hated it when someone touched her cuts and scars. But for some reason she didn't feel like that as Regina's hands made contact with her naked skin, and it actually amazed her.

"I'm sorry for being such a.." Regina cut her off with a kiss and Emma couldn't help but smile at the small gesture.

"Let's get you cleaned up and then go to bed, hm? "

"Yeah.. But you don't have to.. I can clean the cuts myself.. . I mean.. It's not like it's the first time" Emma said with a shrug.

"No, let me help you, okay?"

After the cuts were taking care off, Regina almost carried Emma to bed. The blonde whimpered in pain and when they climbed down under the covers, regina was surprised when Emma snuggled as close as she could.

The therapist was quite surprised by the move because she thought Emma didn't want her near so when she actually did, regina couldn't help but smile. Regina pressed a kiss on Emma's neck as she made sure she didn't brush against Emma's hurting leg.

"Thanks for not freaking out before," she said and Regina placed a kiss another kiss on her neck.

"Don't mention it dear and let's just.. No more apologies okay? Just let's forget that even happened and let's just cuddle hmm? "

"Yeah, let's do that," Emma said with a small grin on her face.

They slept at least some hours before Emma awoke in the middle of the night after having a nightmare. She just wanted to go out on the balcony and have a smoke but her leg was hurting too much for her to move and she didn't want to wake up Regina either. She slept so peacefully next to her and the young girl thought her girlfriend looked absolutely gorgeous, even in her sleep.

"this.. Us… It's gonna be anything but easy, Regina.. All this.. With me.. Because I'm broken. And I'm not sure you are aware of what you're getting yourself into... " Emma whispered to her sleeping girlfriend. "But I'm gonna let you help me.. Just give me time… I will let you inside everyone of my walls… but it's fucking scary… So please don't leave me when I do…. And… Another thing.. I hope I'll have the guts to say this to you one day, but until then, I'm gonna tell you this every time you're sleeping next to me…I love you."

As Emma had said all those words, she quickly fell asleep again. Not knowing Regina actually had been awake and heard everything. The therapist felt her heart burst out of love for the blonde before she fell asleep again as well.


	32. Chapter 32

A couple of days later, Regina and Emma went to town for some lunch. It would be their first little date, so to speak, and Regina had promised to take her girlfriend to a little cafe, and not some pricey place.

But when they stepped inside the cafe Regina had chosen, Emma quickly realized they were at Granny's, one of Ruby's cafes. _This can't be a good idea._ Not at all. Emma hadn't spoken with ruby for a while, which meant her friend didn't know anything about her being pregnant again.

Of course Emma was going to tell her, but she had avoided it because she knew it would probably lead to a fight, since she knew ruby was still hurting after Emma's last miscarriage.. It was just a fucked situation and Emma wanted to think about or try to talk about now. And especially not when she and Regina was supposed to have their first date.

So the blonde stopped and tried to pull Regina with her out of there, because she saw Eugenia standing behind the counter.

"Regina please let's go," Emma whispered and the therapist looked at her with a frown, but before she had the chance to reply the old woman spotted Emma.

"Emma my dear, how lovely to see you!" she said and embraced Emma in a quick hug.

"Hi granny" the blonde replied as the old woman looked at Emma's girlfriend.

"And you must be Regina." Granny smiled.

"That's correct. And excuse me for asking, but who are you?"

"This is Eugenia, Ruby's grandmother," Emma said with a false smile and Regina nodded and turned her attention back to the old woman and offered her a gentle smile.

"Ems! What a wonderful surprise!" a voice called from the kitchen and Emma turned around to see Ruby. _Fuck.._

"What can I get you two?" granny asked and Emma just panicked. She didn't really understand why though, but she usually didn't understand her anxiety… either way, the blonde just needed to be alone, so she quickly let go of her girlfriend's hand and headed for the bathroom. Regina frowned but didn't have a chance to react because only seconds later Ruby followed suite.

Ruby didn't like Regina and she didn't need to make her dislike her even more, by going after Emma as well. Instead the therapist turned her attention back to the old woman behind the counter..

"I guess I can take a menu and sit down at a table until Emma comes back," Regina said carefully and Granny gave her a nod as she gave her a menu. The therapist smiled back as a reply before she walked up to one of the tables.

"Hey Ems, wait up!" Ruby shouted as she upped her pace. Emma ran into the bathroom, but before the blonde had a chance to close the door, Ruby squeezed inside it. "Hey, what's wrong? Aren't you happy to see me?"

"Of course.. But fuck… This was supposed to be mine and Regina's first date and she brings me _here_ of all places," Emma said but as soon as the words escaped her mouth, she regretted them. _Fuck, that didn't came out right.. Fuck._

"Oh so this place isn't _fancy_ enough for you anymore Emma, huh?" Ruby snapped. She felt a bit hurt over Emma's words. Wasn't she good enough for her anymore? Or what was going on?!

"I didn't mean it like that Rubes.." Emma sighed, even if she knew it didn't matter what she said at this moment.

"Well it surely sounded like that! What the hell Ems! You accused me of replacing you with _my_ girlfriend and here you're apparently doing just that! You're such a hypocrite!" Ruby growled through gritted teeth and shot Emma a glare.

Emma hated the fact that she had said those words as she sat down on the toilet with a big groan. She didn't know what to say, while ruby continued.

"You're a fucking piece of work Emma, do you know that?!" the obviously angry redhead pushed on.

"Fuck you Ruby!" Emma finally shot back and stood up. She pushed Ruby backwards and the redhead did the same to her, out of pure frustration. It made Emma fell down on the floor, hanging her head against the wall.

"I'm pregnant you idiot!" Emma blurted out, as she once again cursed her stupid mouth.

Ruby froze and her face went pale when she understood what she had done after she realized what her friend had just said.

"What… How.. ?"

"It's Robin's…" Emma shrugged and Ruby didn't need to ask how, she knew. And then it really, really hit her.

Emma was keeping this kid. But this time around though she wasn't planning on raising it with ruby. This time it apparently was gonna be with Regina. And for some reason it made ruby's blood boil.

"You have really replaced me Ems. Or don't you hear yourself talking? The last time you were pregnant, _I_ stepped up. _I_ helped you out of that shithole of an apartment and _I_ took you in! And I was even ready to help you help you raise the damn kid! And now you're planning on doing it Regina, and this is the fucking way you tell me! Way to go Ems! "

The tears were rolling down Ruby's cheeks as she screamed all those words. It felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and stepped on.

Emma just looked at her, not knowing how to even respond. She hadn't even thought about it that way. And she felt horrible when she saw how much Ruby was hurting.

"And now the story repeats itself… But with that fucking therapist! I.. I just.. God, I can't even look at you right now," Ruby snarled and left the bathroom. This was just too much for her to handle. And Emma didn't even blame her.

When Emma finally managed to get out off the bathroom, Regina quickly laid down her menu. She walked up to her girlfriend and took her hand and lead her out to the car. Regina drove back to the countryside in silence and as soon as she parked the car, Emma ran straight into the guesthouse. _So much for a first date huh?_ Regina thought to herself and cursed under her breath.

Belle had decided to surprise Ruby with dinner, but she had not even prepared the salad when she heard the door unlock.

"Baby?" Belle asked but she didn't get an answer, she just started to hear glass break in the living room.

Ruby ripped down all the pictures she had of her and Emma from the walls and threw them onto the floor, making the glass frames shatter into a million pieces. But she didn't care. She just wanted to destroy every little memory she had of Emma. This was the last straw.

"Ruby what.. What on earth has gotten into you?" Belle gasped as she ran up to her girlfriend and dragged her into a deep hug, making sure she didn't hurt herself on all the glass..

"She's pregnant… Emma she's.. She's pregnant.."

Belle frowned. Why was that a bad thing?


	33. Chapter 33

Ruby didn't answer Belle's question, she just pulled away.

"I guess this was a bad idea… I shouldn't have come here today… I guess I'll just go home instead.." Belle said with a shrug when Ruby suddenly snapped back to reality. She couldn't let Emma destroy her relationship with Belle like she practically had destroyed their friendship.

"No please Belle, stay, " Ruby almost begged and the brunette walked up and placed a gentle kiss on her girlfriends temple.

"If you want me here, then I'm gonna stay baby... So let's get this place cleaned up and then we can make dinner together."

"Yeah, that sounds good," Ruby smiled and Belle kissed her once again.

Regina went down to the horses as she felt she needed to think about something else. Emma was still inside the guesthouse and Regina decided to leave her alone. She knew Emma would probably snap if she pushed too hard, so she hoped Emma would come to her instead.

Emma laid on the couch and just stared up at the ceiling. She thought of Ruby's words and the whole situation made her weep. Her happiness over being pregnant again was gone and instead she just felt disgusting and worthless. She couldn't lose Ruby. She and her sweet grandmother were the closest thing Emma had ever had as to a family. So, with a groan she sat up and dialed the number to granny, hoping she could resolve this chaos.

"Hello?"

"HI granny, it's me. Emma," the blonde said carefully and felt how the tears stung in her eyes.

"Oh my dear Emma, I was just wondering if you were okay! I haven't heard from Ruby since, what it now was that, happened today between you two earlier and I've been so worried! Please tell me you're at least okay, my dear?" Emma dried her eyes and took a deep breathe.

"I don't know…" she managed to get out before her voice broke again.

"What happened between you two? I have never seen Ruby so upset."

Emma dragged her fingers through her hair and explained the incident and she was quite surprised when granny didn't take her granddaughter's side.

"I'm so sorry to hear that Emma. Ruby is so sensitive and has been that way since you moved. I guess she has been feeling really bad for not being able to take care of you and the miscarriage still haunts her," granny said and Emma felt the anxiety clawing under her skin.

"It's not Ruby's fault. None of this is Ruby's fault. It's mine.. But what should I do? I don't want to lose either Rubes or you, Granny.. You guys are the closest thing I have to a family.. "

"My dear sweet Emma, the day you lose me is the day I take my last breath and I haven't planned on doing that for many, many years. Ruby is just in a bad place right now. She loves you and she's not gonna let your friendship end," granny said with a small chuckle and even if Emma knew the words were supposed to make her smile, they just made her feel even worse.

"I wish I could have loved Ruby back.. It would have made everything so so much easier.. " Emma said with a shaking voice as she shook her head. "And I didn't mean to tell her about the pregnancy like I did. It just slipped out…"

"Emma dear, let me call Ruby for you and then I'll call you back okay?"

"You don't have to…" the blonde said but granny insisted.

"Don't be silly. I want to help Emma and I have always seen you as a family member so of course I want to help you. I'll call you later okay?"

When Regina came back from the horse ride she was totally drained. Just as she was about to walk up to her house, her phone buzzed. It was a text from Emma, telling her to come to hers. The therapist smiled and decided to go over even if she hadn't had a shower. But the smile quickly faded when the older woman walked into the guest house. Regina saw the packed suitcases standing just inside the door and Emma was close to crying.

"Emma.." the brunette breathed as she looked around the living room. The blonde walked up to her and Regina noticed her anxiety.

"I'm sorry for being… me," the blonde shrugged and looked down at her feet. She really meant it. She didn't deserve Regina, and the argument with Ruby today had gotten under Emma's skin. She just wanted to scream. To cut. Even if she couldn't. But she could at least _run away._

"Emma Swan, look at me," Regina said with a calm and warm voice. But Emma didn't look up, she just couldn't.

So instead Regina cupped the blonde's face in her hands and gently made their eyes meet. "I wouldn't change a thing about who you are Emma. I love you, even the dark parts of you," she said and the blonde just shrugged. The only thing she could think about was Ruby.

"I just gotta go…" Emma shrugged and was about to walk over to her suitcases when Regina grabbed her arm.

The blonde groaned but refused to turn around. It was too hurtful.

"Where are you planning to go? Emma, you don't have anyone else…" as soon as the words had left Regina's mouth she quickly regretted them, because they didn't come out right.

Ruby laid on the couch trying to gather her thoughts. This day had been terrible and she couldn't stop thinking of Emma. Belle had left after dinner because Ruby had said she needed to be alone. Thankfully her girlfriend had been understanding. Suddenly Ruby's phone buzzed and she reached for it.

"Ruby, I have talked to Emma about what happened today.." Granny said with a stern voice. It was so typical of the old woman to just cut to the chase at once.

"What did you say?" Ruby frowned when she realized what her grandmother had said. _Why in hell had Emma called her?_

"She called me and told me about your argument. She was worried about your friendship and I told her she didn't have anything to worry about." Granny explained. "And I hope I didn't just lie that poor girl straight up in her face," the old woman quickly added.

"Honestly Granny, I don't know.. She.. I don't know.." Ruby admitted.

"Ruby Lucas, I have raised you better then this! You just had your first big argument. Are you just gonna throw away your friendship because of _that?!"_

"Well it isn't as fucking easy as you make it!" Ruby snapped. "She has fucking replaced me with Regina. It just hurts so damn much! And the fact she's pregnant again! She's gonna raise that kid with that woman! When it should have been me Granny! It should have been me…"

"Thanks for pointing out the fucking obvious!" Emma spat and Regina swallowed hard. The blonde's eyes were dark as the night. She was not really sure about what to do or say as the younger girl started to pace around on the floor.

"Emma, please. Don't leave me.."

"Why should I stay? What are we even doing Regina? Really? WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?!" Emma had no idea where this anger came from, but she guessed it came from fear. She had lashed out like this against Ruby once or twice but never had she had these kinds of feelings in her.

Regina took a step closer and took Emma's hands in hers and offered her a small smile. She understood Emma was freaking out and it probably didn't even have a thing to do with Regina at all. Emma pulled away and sat down on the couch with a big groan.

"Emma, just.. Give this a couple of days, okay? And if you still want to talk to her, you can take my car. Just don't run off because your mind is a mess" Regina said gently and the blonde turned around to meet her eyes.

"Huh?" Emma asked with a frown. She couldn't have heard right now, or could she?

"Come again?"

"I said, give this some time, dear, and if you still feel the need to talk to her, I'll let you borrow my car"

"But.. aren't you afraid I will just drive off and not come back?"

Regina was absolutely terrified over the possibility that Emma would bolt, but she hoped her fears were proven wrong, and that she would come back to her. As her eyes met Emma's again, she didn't tell her what was going on in her mind tough. She just pressed a gentle kiss on her cheek and offered her a smile.

"I trust you with my life Emma.. So I really hope you won't prove me wrong"

It took a few weeks before Emma finally decided to go to ruby. She had hoped her friend would reach out to her first, but she hadn't. Then again, both women were stubborn as mules so she wasn't entirely surprised. Something Emma was surprised about though, was that Regina kept true to her words and actually let her borrow her car.

"Are you really sure about this? " the blonde asked anxiously as they both were standing by the car. It was late in the afternoon and Emma didn't want to just take Regina's keys and leave, even if she had told her that night she could do so.

"Yes I'm sure " Regina replied with a smile as she peeked the blonde's lips. "Just drive safe, okay?" Regina added when she placed the keys in Emma's hand.

She really didn't want her to go, but she had promised her this and Regina never broke a promise. Despite that, the therapist was absolutely petrified over letting her go alone. But she wanted to show Emma how much she had grown to trust her, and this was big. To the both of them.

"Well.. I'll guess I'll should go then.." Emma shrugged. Regina nodded at her and before they said goodbye, the blonde kissed the brunette passionately.

Regina watched Emma pull out from the driveway and dragged her fingers through her hair. She hoped she wouldn't regret this decision.

"I hope you come back Emma. Please…" Regina whispered to herself.


	34. Chapter 34

When Emma had parked the car and went inside Ruby's building, she bumped into someone because she was not paying attention. When she looked up, she saw it was Regina's assistent, Belle, which made her frown.

"Oh hi Emma," Belle said with a gentle voice. "How are you doing?"

"Ehm it's a bit.. Hard to explain," Emma replied with a shrug. "So, how about you? Do you live here?"

"Oh no, I'm just on my way home from seeing Rub.," the brunette started to say but stopped herself mid sentence and Emma just stared at her for a while before she could say anything.

"Come again? What.. Wait… is it you? Are you Ruby's girlfriend?"

"Yes that's me," Belle replied with a shrug, looking incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. "Look, I'm sorry Emma but I gotta go. Take care!" and before the blonde had a chance to reply, the brunette was already gone. _Well, that was weird._ Emma thought to herself.

Ruby was tired. She had been so sad since her argument with Emma, even if it had taken place weeks ago.. . Ruby hated the fact she still was so sensitive when it came to Emma. But she had always been and would probably always feel like that.

The plan for the day had been that she and Belle would've went out to eat, but she didn't have the energy. These couple of weeks had been rough their relationship. Ruby had not been doing well and even if her doctor insisted she should take her antidepressants, Ruby refused. She had never liked the idea of stuffing herself full of pills.

And her stubbornness against taking her medication, was starting to take a big toll on her and Belle's relationship. They fought almost every day, often about small things and it felt like they were starting to drift apart.

And even if Belle tried to be understanding and supportive despite all the chaos, Ruby was terrified Belle would get tired with her and leave. And it didn't matter how many times Belle said she wouldn't do so, Ruby couldn't shake the fear of it.

When Belle left, the redhead had planned on taking a nap. Or at least try. Either she slept nothing at all or slept for what felt like days.. Not a good equation either way.. So she had taken a leave of absence from work and left her company in Granny's hands. The old woman hadn't been very pleased about it because Ruby was just ignoring all her problems and the longer she did that, the harder it would be to solve all the problems. But Ruby had just stopped caring.

She had never called Emma back that day, even if she had promised Granny to do just that. Ruby just didn't know what she was supposed to say, because what she had said to Emma that day, was what she felt. It was the raw, uncensored truth.

"For fuck's sake…" the redhead groaned as a sudden knock forced her to leave the couch.

When Ruby opened the door, Emma smiled at her. But then she saw how Ruby _actually_ looked, her smile quickly faded. Her beloved friend looked so tired and pale, and the blonde was concerned about how thin she was. This wasn't ' _her Ruby'._

"Emma? I.. What. Come in," Ruby said and let her friend inside. They were both unsure about what to do or say, but soon enough Ruby dragged Emma into a deep hug. God how she had missed her.

As their eyes met again, Emma stroke Ruby's cheek.

"How are you?" the blonde asked, voice laded with concern.

"Just tired," Ruby answered with a shrug, used to Emma not pushing when it came to her. But this time she did.

"Rubes, you can't be alright. You're pale as a ghost and I mean, are you even eating properly?"

"Don't.." the redhead snapped and turned around, and headed for the couch. She didn't even have the energy to stand up and talk. Emma followed suit and sat down on the couch, reaching for her friend's hand.

"I know I've been an ass Ruby, but I can't ignore the state you're in… " the blonde admitted.

"You can't just come into my home like this and.."

"Ruby, come on.."

"Fine.. I just don't want to burden you Ems. You have your own problems.. " ruby said and felt her eyes tear up.

"Hey, I care about you rubes. I will always do that, so please, don't push me away?" the blonde said with a gentle tone in her voice, but ruby once again tried to dodge the subject.

"I don't want us to fight again.. So please, can we just drop it?" Emma shook her head and dragged Ruby close to her. She laid her head against her shoulder and Emma held her so tight she could.

"I'm the reason you feel like this, so talk."

Ruby sighed but finally told Emma how the last few weeks had been, eventually telling her about her depression. She told her about how much it had hurt to hear about Emma's pregnancy and realizing that _she_ wasn't 'the one' to raise the kid with her.

Ruby told Emma about the nightmares that still haunted her after her friend's miscarriage and the guilty conscience she had over not being able to care for Emma anymore. She told Emma she refused her medication, how she didn't have the energy to work, that she hardly ate and how she was scared of being left by her girlfriend.

The blonde almost broke down when she listened to Ruby. She was the reason her usually happy and strong friend was this broken. Emma sat up and met Ruby's lifeless eyes and placed a kiss on her forehead before she dragged her into a long and warm hug. Emma was gonna fix this, she just didn't know how. But she was not gonna let her friend slip away.

Ruby had not even told Belle all this. Sure had she told her bits and pieces, but not everything. She was scared it would be the last straw for Belle, and she was already supporting her so much.

"Wait a sec, how did you come here? I thought Regina lived out in the country?"

Ruby asked suddenly with a frown.

"She let me borrow her car," Emma replied with a shrug. "She knows how much you mean to me, so she just told me to go to you"

"Wow. She's really… Good huh?"

"She is.. amazing," Emma answered with a huge smile, a smile Ruby had never seen her friend have on her face. It made her smile as well.

"You really love her, don't you?" ruby asked carefully.

"I never thought I would feel like that you know… for anyone. But yeah, I really love her." Emma answered and tugged on her lower lip. She knew this had to be hard as hell to hear for Ruby, because she had been in love with Emma for so, so many years.

"I guess I have to let go of the anger I have towards Regina. She has been nothing but nice to me while I've been a complete bitch to her.." Ruby sighed.

"I don't think she sees it like that Rubes. She knows you have feelings for me and she's a freaking good therapist so I guess she has figured out something we haven't," Emma said with a chuckle.

"Probably."

Emma knew she should go back home, but seeing Ruby so sad.. She couldn't just leave her best friend like this. Then she got an idea. "Come with me Rubes."

"Huh?"

"Come and spend a couple of days together with me, let me be the one who takes care of you for once."

"You sure that's a good idea?" ruby asked even if the idea of spending some time with Emma again made her feel almost happy. Maybe for the first time in weeks.

Regina was starting to get worried. Emma wasn't answering her phone and she had been away for hours now. And Regina couldn't do a thing about it. She was stranded here and it drove her almost crazy.

"Just come back to me.." she said repeatedly to herself as she paced back and forth on the porch, with a cigarette in her hand. _Just come home._

Finally Emma answered her phone and Regina couldn't have been more relieved to hear her girlfriend's voice. She had been so worried, even if she didn't want to admit it out loud.

"Emma! I have been calling you for hours, I thought something had happened to you..?"

"I'm sorry Regina, I just had a real talk with Ruby so we are friends again. And I'm sorry for making you worry," Emma said.

"I'm just happy you're safe. Are you coming home soon? It's getting dark and these roads around here are a bit treacherous if you don't know them like I do.." Regina said, hoping Emma didn't take what she meant in a wrong way. She didn't want it to come out as she didn't want her girlfriend to not be somewhere without her, she was just so scared something would happen to her and the baby.

"I'm just getting into the car but I gotta check a thing with you first.." Emma said, suddenly with a nervous voice. "Ruby isn't doing good right now so I thought about bringing her over to my.. I mean, your place for a couple of days. If that's okay?"

The question took Regina totally by surprise.


	35. Chapter 35

Regina couldn't deny Emma bringing Ruby, even if she had a bad feeling about all this. But she kept quiet about that and just told Emma to drive safe. As soon as she had ended the call, her phone buzzed again and she when she saw Belle's name on the screen, it made the uneasy feeling just grow in her stomach.

"Hello?"

"HI re.. Miss Mills. I'm sorry for calling so late but ehm.. I have something to tell you," Belle said with a nervous voice. "I bumped into Emma earlier, when I was on my way home from Ruby's place and well, we talked and Emma figured out I was Ruby's girlfriend.." Regina just let out a big sigh, because she knew this was gonna happen eventually. She had just hoped it wouldn't happen this soon. _Great. Even more chaos to come_ the therapist thought to herself as she felt a migraine coming.

"Well I guess I'll see what Ruby says when she finds out I'm your boss.. " Regina replied as she saw the headlights of her car.

"Excuse me, what? " Belle asked with a slightly confused voice.

"Well, Emma brought Ruby with her here tonight.. And wanted her to stay for a couple of nights…"

"Oh…" Belle said, not really knowing what to say. The fact that Ruby had just upped and left with Emma made her almost a bit hurt, and angry.

"I gotta go Belle, Emma just parked the car. But I'll see you on Monday yes?"

"Yes Miss Mills," Belle replied on auto pilot mode and hung up. She screamed and threw the phone into the wall, accidentally scaring Rumple.

Belle sat down on the couch and hid her head in her hands. She had hardly spent any quality time with Ruby since her girlfriend's fight with Emma. She had pulled away, not wanting to do anything then but to be alone and sleep. And when they eventually hung out, it always ended up in some stupid argument..

Belle tried her best but nothing helped. It was almost like Ruby was afraid to let her in and tell her what was actually going on in her head. She could only watch as her girlfriend slipped away... Belle dried her eyes and the memory of that time Emma had kissed Ruby started to spin around in her head. What if she were to do that again? Ruby probably had feelings left for Emma so..

"Fuck," Belle groaned, as she got a glare from her cat. She never swore. But she had never felt this hurt and devastated either..

Emma received a hug and a kiss from Regina as they stepped out of the car. Ruby just smiled tiredly at the therapist and Regina almost gasped when she saw how pale Ruby was. She immediately got the feeling that this whole thing was a bad idea, and she needed to talk with Emma about it, in private, so she turned to ruby.

"Miss Lucas, i have to share a few words with my girlfriend, but can go inside. And I'll promise it won't take more than a minute"

"Yeah ehm sure Regina," the redhead nodded as Emma gave her the keys and pointed at the guesthouse.

When Ruby had left, Emma gave Regina a concerned look.

"What was that all about?" the blonde snapped.

"I don't know if this is such a good idea Emma, having Ruby here.. It's just…" Regina wasn't even able to finish her sentence before Emma cut her off.

"Then why the HELL did you agree to it over the phone, Regina?! I called you before I brought her here and you could have said no! But you didn't. But fine. I can drive her home but I'm staying with her. She needs me!"

"Emma, listen to yourself," Regina said with a stern tone in her voice as she laid her hands on the blonde's shoulders, only causing Emma to pull away.

"You're not stable enough to take care of yourself, and that means you don't have energy for Ruby's problems… i know you have your heart at the right place Emma.. But.. You know… she has Belle. She can take care of her." as the words came out, regina cursed herself. This was only making matters worse.

"So you knew Belle was her girlfriend? Your freaking assistant, and yet you haven't told me that? I thought we said _no_ secrets in this relationship!" Emma was gritting her teeth as she was talking. She was absolutely furious.

"Emma, please calm down. Believe me. I had my reasons."

"Bullshit! But fuck it. Ruby has been my only friend for so many years and now when she needs me, I'm not gonna push her away with the words that _she has Belle,"_ Emma snarled and Regina felt her eyes start to tear up. "are you jealous or something huh?!"

"Emma, you're my girlfriend and you're carrying my baby and… " those words made the blonde's blood boil as she cut Regina off yet again.

"Don't say another word! And as far as I know, this baby is _mine_ and not yours _! "_

Ruby stood in the window in the hallway, watching Emma and Regina with a close eye. She didn't hear what they were saying obviously, but she heard Emma was screaming. And ruby knew they argued about _her_ , and she knew she shouldn't have come here. It had been a bad idea from the start. She should have turned to Belle, not to Emma… oh God what was she really doing here? Belle was her girlfriend. _Not_ Emma.

As Ruby thought about it more and more, she felt terrible. What was she even doing here? She _shouldn't_ be here. Right? The redhead started to pace around in the room but quickly felt dizzy so she had to sit down. Her eyelids felt so heavy and when she laid down, she quickly fell asleep on the couch out of exhaustion.

" _I want to be with you," Emma shrugged as she took a step closer to Ruby, taking her hands in hers. Their eyes locked and it was like time just stopped. It was just them in the whole world and Ruby felt a smile spread across her lips._

" _I love you Emma," the redhead said, as her lips brushed against hers._

" _I love you too Ruby, and so does the little one," Emma chuckled as she laid their hands on her big baby bump. The baby kicked and the blonde's lips brushed against ruby's._

" _You're gonna be such a great mom," Emma added and pressed her lips against Ruby's again._

"Just.. FUCK off Regina, won't you?!" Emma spat as she grabbed Ruby's bags and turned towards the guest house.

"Emma please, I just want what's best for you!" Regina shot back as the tears started to flow down her cheeks. She was slowly slipping and Emma refused to listen to her and it made her heart break. "Emma please, I love you."

"I'm going inside. And I don't want to see you anymore tonight. Just leave me alone!" Emma growled and just left Regina by the car. The therapist wanted to run after her but she knew there wasn't any point in doing so.

Emma was too worked up to talk with so she just had to let her go for now, even if it made her heart break. Regina just hoped she would be able to talk with the blonde tomorrow. But a part of her feared Emma would chose Ruby instead of her. _Please prove me wrong. Don't leave me._ Regina thought to herself as she dried her eyes and went inside her house.

Ruby snapped her eyes open and rubbed her eyes. She hadn't dreamt about Emma for a long while. But when she had, it had always been this exact dream, every night. On repeat. She reached for her phone and was just about to call Belle, but she chose to put it away. Suddenly it felt like she was on this emotional rollercoaster again, as everything with Emma started to spin in her head again. With a groan she laid down on the couch and started to cry.

 _I can't take this anymore…_

When Emma came inside her house, she found Ruby crying on the couch. The sight made her drop the bags immediately and run up to ruby.

"Hey, what's wrong?" the blonde asked with a shaking voice as she sat down and wrapped her arms around Ruby.

"I think I'm losing my mind Ems…" Ruby shrugged as she snuggled close to her. "I don't know what the hell is going on in my mind.."

"Then we're two.. " Emma sighed. She had not really meant those things she had thrown in Regina's face but when it came to Ruby… She would always come first. _Always_. And nothing could ever change that. Not even Regina. But Emma felt terrible anyway.

"Let's go to bed Ruby and just sleep. Okay?"

Ruby hardly made it up to the bedroom and when they finally reached the bed, she collapsed. Emma kissed her on the forehead before she reached for her phone. The blonde couldn't sleep after having such a huge argument with Regina.

 **Emma :** I didn't mean those things I said before. I just.. I don't even have an excuse for my behavior. Would you please forgive me?

Regina was sitting in her couch with some stupid TV show on in the background, not even paying attention to it. She was just thinking about Emma, and wondering if they even were a couple anymore. The terrible thoughts were spinning around in her head but when when her phone buzzed she snapped back to reality. She hoped it was a text from Emma, and it was. Regina let out a big breath of relief as she read the text. She felt a smile spread along her face. All anxiety and doubt just washed away.

 **Regina :** I don't blame you for reacting like you did. I should have been honest with you from the beginning.. I just want what's best for you Emma and I will always feel like that.

Emma pressed her lips against Ruby's forehead again, making the redhead blink her sleepy eyes open.

"Is something wrong?" Ruby asked a bit confused.

"No Rubes, nothing's wrong. I just wanted to say I'm going over to Regina's and maybe sleep at her place to... If that's okay with you that is"

"of course. You guys had quite the fight over me and you need to solve that," Ruby smiled and Emma nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah. Sleep tight, I love you."

"Love you to Ems," Ruby said as the blonde stood to her feet and left the room. _I love you way too much Emma.. What the hell am I gonna do about this…_

When Regina heard a knock on the door, she couldn't help but smile. She walked up to the door and opened it.

"Can I come in?" Emma asked carefully as she tugged on her lower lip. Regina just nodded and closed the door behind her.

"I didn't mean those words I said, you know that right? Especially not that with the baby. It's yours as much as it's mine, okay?" the blonde said and grabbed Regina by her waist and dragged her close. The brunette pressed her lips against her girlfriends. It was a short but meaningful kiss.

"I know Emma, but sometime we say things that comes out of fear. And I know how much you love Ruby. I guess I just have a lot of fear inside of me as well," the therapist shrugged and tucked away a bit of Emma's blonde hair behind her ear.

"I hope you know how much I love you Regina, because I really do," the words surprised both women since this was the first time the blonde had said it out loud.

"I love you too Emma. And our little unborn baby." Regina said with a small smile on her lips. "I know we have been through one hell of a ride of emotions and we probably have a few more rides to come so to speak, but I'm willing to do that because I can't picture a life without you in it."

After Regina had said those words, Emma suddenly heard herself say:

"Regina, do you want to get engaged to me?"


	36. Chapter 36

When Monday came Belle sat at her desk, checking over Regina's appointments for the day, hardly able to stay awake. Kathryn, who happened to walk by the brunette's desk, noticed how tired Belle looked and it made her a bit worried. So the therapist stopped and cleared her throat, making their eyes met.

"Miss French, a moment in my office please?" she said with a kind, yet serious tone in her voice.

"Ehm, sure Mrs. Nolan," Belle nodded and quickly followed suit.

As Belle closed the door behind her, she sat down in front of Kathryn. She was really nervous, and that probably showed as the therapist smiled at her.

"Miss French, for the first, you're not in any trouble, just so you know.. Okay? I just want to talk with you and if you think I'm pushing too hard, you have the right to stand up and walk out, do you understand?"

"ehm, not really.. " Belle replied with a nervous voice.

"okay.. So far as I have understood it, you're dating Emma's best friend Ruby for the moment, am I right?" Belle nodded. "And I don't want to be snoopy but it looks like this whole thing has taken a real toll on you, yes?"

Belle let out a big sigh as she reached for the tissues on the table. She hadn't talked with Ruby for days, deciding to take a step back, to protect herself. Even if she knew that only made things worse. But Ruby had made her choice in her eyes. And she had chosen Emma, not her. It still made Belle's heart ache.

"It's just a such huge mess. I don't.. I don't even know what to say about it… " the brunette shrugged and Kathryn reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I just.. I was worried already in the beginning about this whole thing with Ruby's feelings for Emma… and there was something that told me to leave already when we had not really started dating.. But I just couldn't. I fell for Ruby the moment we spoke that first time in the bar so I couldn't just give her up. And when Regina took Emma in, it started to feel better. At least for me.. I was so happy… Then everything just turned upside down..."

Kathryn listened carefully and it was hurtful to see Belle like this. Even if she herself didn't know the brunette that well personally,she still cared for her. She had always been kind and helpful to her if she for some reason had needed some help at work. And Belle was such a genuine person.

"What happened then Miss French? If you want to tell me of course," Kathryn said with a crooked smile.

"sure… Ehm.. Apparently Regina took Emma to one of Ruby's cafes and Emma freaked out over seeing Ruby.. Why, I don't know but... They got into some kind of fight and Emma told her she was pregnant and that just broke Ruby." Belle said and dried her tears.

"You probably know this already but, Ruby helped Emma when she was pregnant the last time and Ruby is still haunted by the miscarriage. She was supposed to raise that kid together with Emma in some way, and now all of a sudden, Emma was pregnant again, only this time Ruby wasn't supposed help her with the kid. Regina was…"

Kathryn shock her head at those words, because she didn't know about that actually. She let out a big sigh as she realized how this whole situation sounded like a bad soap opera.

"and if we turn our attention to you instead Miss French, how does all of this make _you_ feel? With Ruby's reaction to Emma's new pregnancy for example?" Kathryn asked carefully and the brunette replied in a matter of seconds.

"Terrible. It feels like I have to compete with Emma for Ruby's love and attention in some kinda way.. and it's really hard. And when Ruby decided to not have Emma living with her anymore, a bit of her kinda broke… She refused to talk about it though, but I heard her, crying every night, until I finally had enough.. So I got her to agree to visit a doctor." Belle said and took a deep breath before she continued.

"And he diagnosed her with depression and prescribed her antidepressants. Sadly she refused and still refuses to take them.. And I feel so incredibly helpless and frustrated over it all " Belle added and her eyes started to tear up again.

"You're doing the best you can, Miss French. I know that. You're a strong woman, but you're only human. And it's difficult with depressed people, especially when they are someone you live together with or are close to in general." Kathryn said gently and Belle just shrugged.

"I just want my happy Ruby back, Mrs Nolan. The girl with fire in her eyes, who always made me smile. She's just a shadow of the person she once was nowadays… " Belle sighed. "I just see her slipping away. She hardly eats, she doesn't work, and it feels like she is pulling away from me. We hardly hang out anymore and when we do, it always ends with some stupid argument.. I know she's hurting but I'm hurting too… but I don't think she understands that… " Belle said as she started to cry again. Kathryn gave her a tissue and received a sad smile in reply.

"Like I said, it's difficult with depression. You can almost describe it as a evil voice inside your head, telling you do to all these things that only makes everything worse. Like pulling away, lashing out and not properly taking care of yourself. It has nothing to do with you Miss French, so please, try to think about that. I know it's easier said than done, but just try"

"I guess that makes sense but.. But that's not the worst thing. The thing that finally made me take a step back from all this… That's when ruby went home with Emma this weekend, just like that. It felt once again like she chose Emma over me.. " Belle said between sobs. "And I hoped I would get some kind of support, at least something from Miss mills, but I guess I was wrong."

"I'm so sorry to hear all this Miss French, believe me. And I guess Regina is too close to this whole situation, I'm not sure she can be impartial when it comes to Emma and the people in her life."

Belle nodded sadly. This was painful like hell and even more since she didn't have anyone to talk to about this (Except for her cat), so this conversation was well needed. And she knew it was exactly like the therapist said. Regina couldn't be neutral, of course she would choose Emma's side in the end. The question now though was, which side and who would Belle chose?

"I haven't even talked with Ruby since she went home with Emma... I don't even know what I'm supposed to say... Should I yell at her? Should I cry because of her or should I just say I understand why she just upped and left? Because I don't. I don't understand how she can choose a friend over her girlfriend.. "

" _Regina, do you want to get engaged with me?" Emma suddenly asked and Regina almost lost her balance._

" _I can't have heard that right, or did I?"_

" _well… I know we haven't been dating that long time but hey, I wanna show you how much I trust you.. And especially how much I love you, and yes I know it's the just the second time I have said that out loud but I really mean it," Emma said as she tugged on her lower lip . She took Regina's hands and placed them on her little baby bump. "besides that, it can't be any crazier to get engaged than the fact we're already accepting a little kid, right?"_

 _Regina met Emma's beautiful eyes and smiled at her. The blonde was right. And the therapist loved her so much and knew this was a really big thing to ask for Emma. Well, it was of course a big and important question for everyone but for the blonde to express her feelings like this… It was huge!_

 _But Regina quickly felt unsure about this whole thing, because she was for some reason thinking about ruby all of a sudden. Emma frowned at her silence and looked down on the floor._

" _Hey Regina, I'm sorry… I shouldn't have asked.. It's too soon. I'm sorry. I just… I guess I wanted to show you how much you mean to me.. But if you don't want to, that's okay," Emma's voice was laced with shame and sadness. Regina quickly wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, pulling her into a tight hug._

" _I would love to get engaged to you Emma Swan," she said and the blonde met her eyes, suddenly looking like a little kid in a candy story._

" _Really?"_

" _Really." Regina repeated with a smile. "I know we said that we should take it slow but since this little kid came into the picture that kinda changed now, now didn't it?"_

" _Yeah I guess," Emma shrugged._

" _Let's go to bed dear, I can see you're tired."_

" _Yeah. And I wanna cuddle with my beautiful girlfriend," Emma said, smiling._

 _As the two of them walked into the bedroom, there was almost a sexual tension surrounding them. Regina had never tried anything with Emma (even if she had wanted so so many times) The therapist didn't push anything because she wanted the blonde to be the one who made the first move. And Regina wanted her to be in control and that night, Emma made a move. Finally._

 _As they stood in just their underwear in front of the bed, the blonde gave Regina a mischievous smile as she reached behind her girlfriends back and unhooked her bra before Regina had the chance to react._

 _Regina didn't say anything as Emma pushed her down on the bed. The move was meant to be sexy, but the blonde accidentally lost her balance and stumbled down onto her. The two of them broke out in laughter and Emma stood up and unhooked her bra while Regina laid down on the bed more comfortably._

 _When Emma laid on top of her again, Regina moaned as their bare skin touched. It was an unreal and wonderful feeling._

" _Is this alright?" Emma suddenly asked as she met Regina's eyes._

" _More than okay dear, it's wonderful," Regina purred and that answer made the blonde become secure with herself again. Their lips pressed together and soon enough both Emma's lips and hands started to explore Regina's body._

 _Emma took her time as she let her hands touch Regina's body. Her breasts were beautiful and her body was perfect.. Suddenly the blonde realized that Regina was hers and hers alone, and that made her so happy. This was gonna be her happy ending. Regina was the one._

 _After a short while Emma laid down beside Regina before she went to far for her own good, because even if she wanted to taste Regina's forbidden fruit so to speak, she knew how easy she could trigger her anxiety. So instead, she decided to take it slow. And she knew Regina would understand._

" _I'm proud of you Emma, do you know that?" Regina said as their eyes met._

" _Huh? " the blonde asked with a frown as the therapist pecked her lips._

" _You're starting to acknowledge your own feelings and that takes a lot of strength. For now example, you stopped yourself before you got triggered considering your… " Regina stopped herself, just to make sure she choose the right words, before she added "Past experiences. So I'm really proud of you"_

" _Well I guess you snap up stuff when you're together with your former therapist huh?" Emma chuckled and cuddled close._

 _They laid next to each other in silence for awhile, before Regina's fingers brushed against the blonde's scarred arms._

" _Regina please don't.." Emma whispered and was about to pull away when the brunette cupped her head in her hands, gently making her meet her eyes._

" _Emma listen to me, you don't have nothing to be ashamed of my dear, you are beautiful. Every inch of you is absolutely wonderful. Both body and soul, and that means your scars as well, my dear "_

 _Emma couldn't help but smile at the sweet words, even if some would call them cliché. But not to Emma. She wasn't used to hearing stuff like that so to her it meant the world. Sure, ruby had told her similar stuff, but Emma hadn't loved her in the way she loved Regina._

" _I'm so happy you never gave up on me Regina, even if I have been a total asshole to you numerous times… " Emma said and sat up in the bed, even if she never lost eye contact with Regina. The therapist sat up as well and pulled Emma close. She knew she had difficulties with talking about feelings like this, even happy ones, so she knew she couldn't let Emma walk out in this moment. Because this was something she shouldn't run away from. Even if every instinct in Emma told her to._

" _Yes it has been difficult sometimes but love isn't easy all the time, my dear." Regina said, in a low and gentle tone. "And I have never loved anyone before I met you"_

" _What, you haven't?" Emma asked with a frown. How could that even be possible?_

" _No I haven't but I knew the first day I laid eyes on you in my office that there was something absolutely wonderful with you. And I was right, I guess. I mean look at us. Engaged and about to be parents"_

 _Emma felt the anxiety wash away by those words and once again a smile spread on her lips._

" _I love you Regina."_

When Regina came to work that Monday, she frowned when she didn't see Belle by her desk. The therapist reached down in her purse to check her phone, to see if Belle had sent her a text about staying home today but there was nothing. And just as Regina put away her phone, she heard a door open. She looked up to see Belle walk out of Kathryn's office. _Why have she been inside there?_

"I gotta go Mrs Nolan, but thank you for the talk" Belle said as she closed the door behind her. When she saw Regina by her desk she offered her boss a gentle smile.

"is there something wrong miss French? " Regina asked carefully when her assistant sat down by her computer.

"Oh no not at all. I just had a chat with Mrs Nolan, nothing to worry about" Belle replied as she started to type on her computer. "And if there wasn't anymore, I got work to do"

"Oh no of course. Back to work" Regina nodded as she left her assistant. _What was that about?_


	37. Chapter 37

Ruby hugged Emma before she jumped out of her car at Belle's place. She didn't really have the energy to face her girlfriend right now, but then again, when did she actually have energy for anything these days? Ruby just shook her head at herself and wondered if Belle even wanted to see her... They hadn't spoken for a long while and Ruby's texts had gone unanswered.

Ruby was about to turn around and leave, when it just hit her. She couldn't just run away from this… if she did. I could mean she lost Belle. Instead she took a breath and knocked on Belle's door. And after what felt like years, Belle finally opened it.

"Ruby?" the brunette frowned.

"Ehm yeah, hi Belle. Can I, ehm, come in?" Ruby asked carefully and even if she didn't really get an answer, she followed her girlfriend after being ushered inside. When she had closed the door, Belle met her eyes and Ruby could see how hurt she was. Little did they know, this was gonna be their biggest argument yet. And Belle lost her calm at once.

"So tell me, did you have a good time at Emma's hm?! OH! You maybe had sex?!" Belle snapped, her voice laced with jealousy and anxiety. Ruby really didn't react to the words she had gotten thrown in her face. Instead, she wondered how Belle knew about her staying at Emma's.

"Well, the biggest question though is, how the HELL do you even know who Emma is? Have you ever met her?!" Ruby snapped back.

"Yeah, I have met her because I work with Regina, Ruby. She's my boss!" Belle said. and as the words came out, Belle froze. But it didn't matter, those news would have gotten out sooner or later anyhow.

"You work for Regina?! Are you freaking kidding me?!" Ruby snarled. Belle cursed herself for saying it but yet again, it wasn't like Ruby had ever asked who she worked with or what she did anyway so instead of backing down, she pushed back. She was tired of being stepped on.

"Don't you dare make this conversation about Regina! This is about us two! And well, I guess about Emma as well. So tell me, did you sleep with her this weekend hm? !"

"For fuck's sake Belle. What is wrong with you! She's my best friend! nothing else!" Ruby stated, matter of factly.

"Well I don't know if I actually believe you," Belle screamed and Ruby gritted her teeth.

And finally, the redhead just snapped. She pushed Belle backwards, causing the brunette to lose her balance and fall. Immediately Ruby regretted her action. This wasn't _her._ But for some reason she had lost all her self-control for a second.

Belle quickly stood to her feet and pointed to the door.

"Get the hell out of my apartment!" the brunette snarled, even if she was crying now. Ruby felt how her heart broke. What had she done? And _why?_

"Please Belle. Please. I can explain. Don't.. Don't throw me out," Ruby pleaded.

"I don't even know who you are anymore Ruby! This… This person… you've turned into… This isn't you!" Belle said as her voice broke. Ruby quickly pulled her into a tight hug and while in her arms, Belle cried even more.

 _This_ was the Ruby she knew. The caring, warm and gentle woman who had stolen her heart from day one. But Belle still felt scared. She couldn't just turn a blind eye to Ruby's behavior, and especially not that she had used physical violence, even if it had been "minimal". She knew how easily it could escalate since some of her exes… it made the brunette even more scared, but she decided to give Ruby a chance to explain herself. She deserved that at least. Right?

"Come, please," Belle said carefully and led them into the living room where they sat down on the couch. Rumple laid still in his cat tree, but seemed to keep a close eye on them. Ruby tugged on her lower lip and Belle seemed to wait for her to say something.

"I'm sorry for pushing you Belle, I.. I don't know why I did that and I promise you, I will never do something stupid like that again… ever! Please just.. Forgive me?" Ruby's voice was filled with regret which made Belle give her a careful nod in response.

"And regarding me and Emma… I.. I know you probably wish I shouldn't have any contact with her at all, but that's not even an option and if you make me choose between her and you, I know I will choose her."

"How come?" Belle asked as she locked eyes with Ruby. She had never even thought about giving Ruby such a ultimatum, but she couldn't help feeling hurt over hearing those words. It felt like she didn't matter as much as Emma did, and that was painful.

"Look… I will always have a soft spot for Emma and I guess it's because we have been friends for so many years and endured so much together. Both good and bad things.. And I will always love her," Ruby said but it didn't come out as she wished. Belle still sat silently on the couch, encouraging her to continue even if the painful look in her eyes told another story.

"I have been Emma's everything for as long as I can remember… And she mine as well.. It has always been her and me. Since we were teenagers… And I can't imagine a life without her. So that day when she was at the hospital after her suicide attempt when she had miscarried, and I finally felt I couldn't take care of her like I always had… I have never felt more bad.. Worthless. It felt like I let her down.. Like I failed her.. "

Belle listened carefully to every word Ruby told her. This was a conversation they had been needing to have long ago, even if it was painful as hell.

"Ruby, have I ever told you about my exes?" Belle suddenly asked and the redhead shook her head.

"Well I think it could explain my feelings about this whole Emma situation.. I guess. I have been both cheated on, used and beaten.. So I haven't let someone close to me for years before you turned up… And it has taken me some time to process all of this and I will never forbid you to hang out with Emma, but I will demand one thing. An honest answer to one question. Just one."

"Okay," Ruby agreed quite quickly.

" _Do you still, you know… have feelings for Emma?"_


	38. Chapter 38

After Emma had dropped Ruby off, she decided to visit Eugenia at the cafe. She wanted to tell her about her engagement with Regina, because, well, Eugenia was like her grandmother in a way. So it just felt natural to tell her about it. But as she walked inside the diner, she suddenly felt unsure.

The waitress, named Fiona, smiled at the blonde as she saw her. Emma nodded at her before she went into the back where Granny usually was. She didn't find her in the kitchen tough, so she walked inside the office where she found the old woman buried in paperwork.

Emma felt a bit bad for the Granny. Because even if she absolutely loved to work, she didn't like _these_ kinds of assignments. She was a social butterfly. The blonde heard how Granny let out a big sigh and when she looked up, their eyes met.

"Emma!" the old woman said as she suddenly saw her standing in the doorway.

"Hi Granny, I hope I'm not interrupting you or anything."

"Oh my sweet girl, you could never interrupt me! Now come inside and sit, don't just stand there," Granny chuckled and Emma nodded as she sat down on one of the chairs. "You look happy Emma," the old woman added and Emma couldn't help but smile.

"Life is actually kind of good for the moment," Emma said, almost disbelievingly.

"Oh? Please tell me and don't spare any details!" Granny said with a enormous smile on her face.

"Well… I'm actually engaged to Regina," Emma smiled and Granny gasped. She was fast on her feet as she dragged her into a tight hug.

"Oh I'm so happy for you. I knew life would get better one day for you my dear, dear girl" Granny said and as their eyes met again, Emma noticed the old woman was actually crying tears of happiness.

Seeing that made Emma's own eyes tear up. She was so moved by seeing Eugenia react in that way, it touched her heart. This meant so incredibly much to her because they Eugenia was family to her.

"So… have you talked to Ruby at all in the recent days?" Granny asked carefully and suddenly she looked anxious and worried. It broke Emma's heart as she tugged on her lower lip.

"Yeah she actually spent the weekend with me but.. she's not doing well.." the blonde sighed and Granny leaned back in her chair and took off her glasses.

"No, sadly not. I guess she has been in a bad place, mentally, after the argument you two had… And she hasn't stepped a foot inside work since…" Granny said with a sad tone in her voice. Emma nodded and knew how big of a responsibility and workload Granny had now that Ruby wasn't working. It wasn't just this café to take care of. Ruby owned over 6 more.. Then all of a sudden, Emma got an idea.

"What if I were to start working here? I mean, I know how to do the paperwork at this place at least and that would mean you would have a little less responsibility," Emma smiled and the old woman beamed up..

"Oh what a good idea!"

"But I'll have to ask Ruby first, I guess," Emma shrugged.

"No my dear, that's not necessary," Granny added, making Emma raise an eyebrow. "You see, when it comes to this café I have free reins so to speak. So if you want to help me out, I can start training you in a week if that sounds okay? If you really want to, of course."

"Sure that sounds awesome! I'll just have to talk with Regina since we just have one car."

"Oh Emma, you're a lifesaver!" Granny smiled and once again dragged her into a hug. "And we can, of course, schedule your shifts to match Regina's so there wouldn't be any problems with your car issue, and if everything works out I'm ready to leave the cafe totally in your hands," the last words made Emma gasp.

"What do you mean by that?" Emma asked carefully.

"I'll leave my part to you. Which means I give the percent I still own in this cafe, to you. Of course we have to speak with Ruby before we do so since she owns the most, but I don't see any reason for her to say no," the blonde sunk down in the chair and still couldn't believe her ears.

She had never had a real job before, and she didn't count her time as a prostitute as one either.. Sure she had helped Granny out as a waitress when she had been younger but to actually maybe own her part in this cafe… it was almost like a dream come true. It would mean she would have an income of her own and a possibility to save money for her kid. It brought tears to her eyes.

"I… I don't know what to say but thank you so, so much Granny. This means more than you can ever know to me!" Emma finally said and the old woman just smiled at her.

"You don't have to thank me my dear girl, you're as much family to me as Ruby, and seeing how much you have grown and fought for yourself through everything… It makes me so proud and I know you want work of your own and this would mean I can travel and not make excuses for not doing so" Granny chuckled. "Oh I almost forgot something. Let me see if I can remember where I put it."

Emma followed her with a close eye, wondering what she was looking for. After looking around the desk for a while she suddenly smirked and found an envelope with Emma's name on it. As she gave it to the blonde, the young girl shook her head even before she had opened it.

"Granny I can't possibly accept anymore then this job…" she said but the old woman insisted.

"Don't be foolish girl. It's a gift I have been meaning to give you since you told me you were pregnant. So just open it."

Emma rolled her eyes with a small smile on her lips and did what she was told. She couldn't say no to Granny, and had never been able to either so.. As she opened the envelope she gasped yet again. There was over 2000 dollars in there. As her eyes met Granny's she was unable to speak.

"Just take it Emma. Treat yourself and Regina to something special. And if you have anything left over, save it for your kid and tell him or her, an old grandmother is waiting for their arrival."

Emma drove to the big supermarket just a bit out of town. She was still petrified of the possibility of running into Robin so she kept away from the centrum as much as she could and he didn't drive so here she could relax. But she couldn't help but be a bit paranoid either way.

The shopping went easy, she bought the finest meat she could find, some salad and french fries. For Regina, she bought a bottle of wine she knew the older woman loved and for herself she just bought a coke. She didn't feel the need for alcohol anymore and since she was pregnant she didn't want to drink either.

But just as she was almost at the cashier, Emma's whole body froze. It was like her legs stopped working all of a sudden and she held a hard grip around the handle to her cart, just to keep her balance. Her whole vision got blurry and she didn't even need to look up to understand exactly _where_ in the store she was.

Emma cursed under her breathe when she finally looked up and she had, of course, just like she thought, stopped by the section with all kinds of razors and razor blades. _She shouldn't_. She didn't need them, Emma tried to tell herself but her mind didn't listen to her…

It was like her body had a mind of it's own as she suddenly took a step forward and let her fingers brush against all the packets of sharp, beautiful razors. Some people behind her whispered something but she didn't care. The blonde was lost in her own world and just relieved she had her jacket on so her scarred arms didn't show.

"Let's just go Emma…" the blonde whispered to herself but she couldn't get herself to move as much as a centimeter. So before she even understood what she was doing, she had grabbed two packets of razor blades and put them in her cart.

Regina had gotten Kathryn to drive her home and she thanked her friend before she closed the car door behind her. The therapist smiled when she saw her car parked in the driveway and even more as she saw Emma in her kitchen window. She could get used to coming home to this.

As the brunette opened the door to her big mansion, she immediately sensed the smell of food. A wide smile spread on her lips when she hung up her jacket. _She could really get used to coming home to this._

As she entered the kitchen, Emma turned around and met her eyes. The blonde had curled her hair and was even wearing an absolutely beautiful blue dress, hidden under a apron.

"You're home too early," Emma said with a small pout as she pecked her girlfriend's lips. The childish look on the blonde's face made Regina chuckle.

"I'm sorry. Did I ruin some kind of surprise?" she asked a bit curious.

"Kinda. But never mind. I'm glad you're home and I have some awesome news to tell you," Emma smirked.

"Oh?"

"But that will be told when we eat."

"Of course dear. Can I help you with anything?" Regina asked but Emma shook her head at her as she poured her girlfriend a glass and put it down at the table, while she told Regina to just sit down and relax.

"Nope," Emma replied and pecked her lips before she returned to cooking again.

When Regina had taken her first sip of her wine she frowned. This was her favorite wine and if she remembered correctly, she hadn't bought this for ages.

"And before you ask anything, I was at Granny's Cafe before and she gave me some money as a gift. Well to me it was like an enormous amount. Anyways, I just took the opportunity and bought us some good food and I couldn't help but to buy your favorite wine as well. And oh, and this," Emma said and disappeared inside Regina's study.

The therapist raised an eyebrow but when the blonde came back again with a vase of purple roses, she almost started to cry.

"Oh they are so beautiful! Thank you so much dear."

"I know it's not much, but it's at least something. To, you know, show you how much I appreciate everything you've done and are doing for me," the blonde blushed."And well, to say I love you as well you know"

Regina was blown away by Emma's surprise dinner. She didn't even know her girlfriend was such a good chef! But that wasn't something she said out loud.

"So.. What was the big news you wanted to tell me?" Regina instead asked when they both started to do the dishes. For some reason the therapist was fearing Emma would tell her she had gotten so much money she would be moving out, but she told herself she was only being paranoid. Right?

"Well, Granny offered me a job today. At the cafe," the blonde smiled and happiness was contagious so Regina quickly felt a smile spread on her own lips.

"Oh Emma, that's absolutely wonderful! Oh I'm so, so proud of you," the therapist said as she embraced Emma in a tight hug. When their eyes met again, she placed a tender kiss on her girlfriend's forehead. "So so proud,"

"And if it goes well, she actually wanted to give the percent she owns in the company to me, if Ruby allows it of course, but I don't see a reason why she shouldn't. So… Yeah, life is finally starting to get better for me."

When the night came, the two of them were snuggled close on the couch while watching some comedy on TV. Emma had never felt so at ease and happy as she did now. It was such an unreal feeling and she knew Regina sensed it as well.

When it was time to go to bed, Regina had almost taken for granted that Emma would stay the night. So when the blonde said she wanted to sleep at 'her' place, the therapist frowned.

"Oh," Regina said, trying to hide the fact she actually felt a little bit hurt over it.

"I promise you that the only reason I'm not staying the night is that you've got work tomorrow and I'm in the mood for staying up late, watching some series. So don't worry. I'll stay over tomorrow, m'kay?" Emma purred and Regina grabbed her waist and pulled her into a deep and passionate kiss before they said goodnight.

As soon as Emma got inside her house she immediately locked her door. She hardly ever locked the door out here, but tonight she did so. And the reason why was because of what the blonde had hidden underneath her mattress…


	39. Chapter 39

" _Do you still, you know… have feelings for Emma?"_

The question didn't surprise Ruby at all and even if a small part of her wanted to actually lie, she didn't. She knew she could lose Belle if she did so.

"I'm sorry Belle… but I think some part of me will always feel that way towards Emma.. But I've realized something though," Ruby spoke with a calm tone in her voice and Belle just looked at her, because this was exactly the answer she _didn't_ want to hear. But she was proud that Ruby was being honest. And relieved. Even if it was painful to hear it. As her girlfriend spoke up again, Belle snapped back to reality.

"This might not make a bit of sense but.." Ruby hesitated momentarily and then continued, "I may love Emma but I don't want to be _together_ with her, like I want to be with _you_. Can you understand that?"

"I guess," Belle said and shrugged when Ruby took her hands in hers and kissed her knuckles.

"I'm sorry for this mental chaos and I never meant to hurt you like this. But I have never had someone like you in my life Belle. I want you to know that and don't take it as I'm using that as some kind of excuse, because I promise you I'm not."

As those words left Ruby's lips, Belle literally attacked her with a kiss so powerful, Ruby fell backwards in the couch and Belle landed on top of her. The two of them shared a quick look before they broke out in laughter.

Ruby smiled and pressed her lips against Belle's again. The brunette snuggled close and Ruby swung her arm around her.

"Do you feel any better now.. I mean.. About us?" the redhead asked after she had been busy with listening to Belle's calm breathing.

"Yeah. I'm sorry for freaking out, but I just… I guess my past demons from recent partners got the best out of me," the brunette said and Ruby placed a tender kiss on her temple.

"Don't say sorry. You've done nothing wrong. You have had more patience than I believe I would have had if the roles had been reversed," Ruby shrugged. And it was true. She was amazed that Belle hadn't left her already because this whole thing with Emma wasn't easy.

"So now that we got this out," Belle said as she used her arms to half stand over Ruby, "you need to start taking care of yourself Ruby. And that means starting to eat properly again and actually start taking your medication."

Ruby let out a big sigh but she simply nodded, and her girlfriend smiled at her before she laid her head against Ruby's again. "Let's like try to live together? I mean, we don't have to rush and like, give up our apartments but I mean.. You and Rumple can like, live with me with for awhile? Maybe?"

"You really want that?" Belle grinned to herself.

"Yeah I mean.. It would be good for me. You're quite the chef and I guess you'll be closer to work?" Belle embraced her and Ruby just chuckled. "I take that as a yes?"

The next day Emma kept for herself in her house. And Regina had to work anyway... And she would come home late because of some stupid meeting..

Emma didn't want her to leave, she wanted to tell her to stay, but she couldn't… She also wished she had had the guts to tell Regina she had bought razor blades the other day and just given them to her. But she didn't. She _couldn't_.. She was like a junkie who had finally gotten her hands on some drugs. It made the blonde feel sick to her stomach in a way. Regina's gentle voice made her snap back to reality though.

"Did you hear what I said, dear? " Regina smiled as she pecked Emma's lips. The blonde hadn't heard a word though, but her girlfriend didn't seem to notice the anxiety hiding in her eyes. She only saw how tired she was.

"I guess you stayed up late yesterday, huh? "

"Yeah.. I.. Yeah" Emma replied with a shrug.

"I just said I'm gonna leave for work now and I have left all numbers you need on the refrigerator for you, so you can just relax today and when I come home, I'll coke you something? "

"That sounds good Regina" Emma replied with a crooked smile and their lips pressed together.

"I love you" Regina said before she walked down to the car and started it.

Emma walked outside to her porch and watched as Regina left for work. A groan escaped her lips as she smoked four cigarettes in a row, hoping it would help to ease her anxiety, but it was useless.

Emma's mind was almost fixated on the thought of the razor blades she had in her room so the blonde put out her cigarette and went inside and almost jogged up to her bedroom.

Emma took out the razor blades and opened one of the packs and almost moaned when she felt the cold steel against her palm. It wasn't like she actually felt depressed or anything like that right now…

It was the actual _opposite_. She felt happy. Really, really happy. Life was good at the moment, but the demons inside her head, who wanted her to cut, reminded her that all this happiness could slip through her fingers in a matter of seconds. And Emma sighed. It was true… It was how her life worked. Right? Yeah.. Regina would probably grow tired of her eventually…

Emma looked down at the razor blade and couldn't help but think it was beautiful. This was her _drug_ , and even if she hadn't cut since that time in Regina's apartment, it didn't matter. She felt almost hypnotized, but quickly snapped out of it and with a scream, she threw away the razor blade. She curled up into a ball and started to sob.

She thought about Regina, her unborn baby and that she was about to get her very first job soon. Emma had so much to fight for but still the anxiety was nagging in the back of her head and she knew she was powerless against it. Another scream escaped her lips as she laid down on her back and looked at her scarred arms. They were disgusting. And her legs looked even worse.

Emma didn't remember why she had even turned to cutting in the first place, but she guessed it was because a razor was easier to get your hands on as a young foster kid, without risking getting caught. She had never dared to be as cocky as some of the older foster kids she had met over the years. They had stolen both money and alcohol. Emma was too afraid to get caught, so she had never dared to steal something like that..

She suddenly remembered that time she had gotten accused of stealing even though she hadn't done anything. Despite her innocence, she had been punished anyway. And her punishment had been to be without food for days.

Emma felt how the tears started to roll down her cheeks as the memories of her life hit her like a punch to the face. The blonde didn't even bother to dry her tears, she just let them roll down her cheeks as she laid on her side. Her eyes fixated on the razor blades again and this time it made her hyperventilate. And she knew the only way to stop it, was to give in.

 _ **And cut.**_


	40. Chapter 40

**I'm so sorry for the long wait! I have been a bit stuck with this story but here is at least one new chapter!**

Regina was relieved when it was finally time for lunch. She and Kathryn had decided to go out and eat together, and it had been quite some time since they had been able to have some quality time together.

"You ready, baby girl?" Kathryn asked, smirking as she walked inside Regina's office and sat down in one of the armchairs. The brunette just laughed at her.

"Yes I'm ready dear and you know I don't like it when you call me baby girl," Regina huffed as she grabbed her purse. Kathryn gave her a smirk and opened the door for them.

Emma knew she had to be smart if she was going to cut and not get busted. She didn't want to lose the razor blades.

She knew it was terrible of her to go behind Regina's back like this, but she couldn't help herself. If she slit her wrists like she did usually, Kathryn would probably lock her away and Emma would lose everything.

She refused to let that happen.

Emma was just about to make the first cut when her phone suddenly buzzed. She groaned, but reached for it.

"Hi dear, I'm just checking in. Are you doing okay?" Regina asked and her voice made Emma relax and even able to take a deep breath.

"Hi baby," Emma said with a smile evident in her voice, "Yeah I'm okay. I'm just tired. I miss you."

"I miss you too Miss Swan and I promise I'm gonna make this up to you. I've even taken the day off tomorrow. We can maybe take the horses for a ride and just have a lazy day together, just snuggling on the couch."

"Yeah, that sounds awesome," Emma replied with a smile. For just a moment she forgot the anxiety in her stomach.

Regina ended the call when she and Kathryn finally got their food.

"You've been away from home for like what, 4 hours and you felt you needed to call her? You're like a lovesick puppy," Kathryn grinned.

"Sometimes I can't believe you're actually my best friend," Regina chuckled.

After lunch, Regina and Kathryn were sitting in Regina's office and just talking.

When all of a sudden Belle popped her head inside the office. Kathryn quickly stepped outside to give them some privacy. Regina met her assistant's anxious eyes and she swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you Miss Mills.. But.. Emma just called and she didn't sound happy.. She even cried, so ehm.. I think you need to go home to her..."

Regina simply nodded and quickly grabbed her car keys and Kathryn just told her to go. Kathryn knew it had to be really bad if the blonde had actually called Regina's assistant.

Just as the brunette was about to go inside the elevator she turned around.

"Miss French, please cancel my appointments for today and please make up some good excuse to the CO for me not being able to attend the meeting!" Regina said in a rushed voice before she disappeared into the elevator.

Belle and Kathryn stood on the same spot for a while before the therapist broke the silence.

"I wonder what happened… I know Emma wouldn't just call like that…" she sighed as her eyes met Belle's. "And I hope you won't mind me asking this, but as Emma's therapist, what did she say to you?"

 _Emma was shaking like a leaf now, but as she pressed the razor blade against her wrist, the thought of Regina suddenly came to mind._

 _It made Emma snap her eyes open and actually realize what the hell she was doing. She threw away this razor blade as well and reached for her phone. She dialed Regina's office number because she felt it would be easier in some way to talk to Belle right now._

" _Miss Mills office, how can I help you?"_

" _Belle… It's me… " the blonde's voice broke but the brunette heard who it was immediately._

" _Emma? Sweetheart, what's wrong? You're crying," Belle's voice was laced with concern and Emma tried her best to actually manage to get some words out. Unfortunately she failed miserably._

 _But Belle understood she needed Regina so she spoke up again._

" _I'll tell Regina to go home at once… Just.. Don't do anything stupid Emma. Please. Please promise me that."_

" _I.. I.. I promise…" she stuttered._

" _Just breathe Emma. Just breathe. She'll be home shortly."_

" _Thank you.." the blonde said before she ended the call and broke down once again._

 _Even if she hadn't actually cut herself, she was crying her eyes out. She just hoped Regina wouldn't be angry with her for buying razor blades behind her back.._

Regina didn't even bother to take the key out from the ignition or close the car door. She just ran in her high heels as fast as she could to the guesthouse.

Regina was so terrified, bad memories of her sister flashing in front of her eyes. So when she opened the door to the guest house, she immediately feared the worst..

It was then she heard Emma's sobbing.

It came from upstairs so she ran to the second floor and feared what she would see. But she didn't see what she'd expected.

She just found her girlfriend sobbing on the floor with razors blades next to her but none of them were bloody. Still Regina's heart was beating like crazy.

"Emma?" she carefully said but the blonde just hid her head in her hands.

Regina bit her lower lip and carefully sat down next to Emma, and as soon as she did that, the young girl cuddled close. Regina pulled her into a close hug and fought hard not to cry herself.

"I'm… I'm… I'm.. sorry," Emma said between sobs and Regina's grip around her only tightened.

"Shh my dear, you have nothing to apologize for…"

Regina spoke in such a calm and gentle tone, it made Emma stop shaking in a matter of minutes. Their eyes met and Regina offered her a crooked smile.

"I love you," the therapist added as she dried her girlfriend's tears.

"I'm not worthy of your love.." Emma whispered and tried to pull away, but Regina refused to let her go. She cupped her face in her hands and looked straight into her eyes. And to Emma it felt like she stared right into her soul.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I just don't want you to hate me…" Emma sighed and it broke Regina's heart to hear those words.

"Emma, I would never in my life hate you.. So please, just tell me what's going on."

Emma sighed once more and pulled away from Regina's embrace, and this time the therapist allowed it. She watched Emma with a close eye as she picked up the razor blades and put the lot of them in her hands.

"I bought these when I was at the store yesterday. I just couldn't resist.. And.. I'm so sorry… " Emma said, her voice laced with regret and sadness.

"Emma, I'm not angry with you.. I'm just.. I thought i would come home to find you…" Regina stopped herself to catch her breath. But she couldn't keep the tears back anymore, "...dead," she added as the tears started to slowly roll down her cheeks.

"That's why I called your office.. I.. I was terrified of what could have happened.. But I didn't manage to do anything because.. Because I thought of you and it made it impossible…" Emma reached for Regina's free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as she said those words.

"I couldn't hurt myself because I don't want to lose you."

Regina almost lost her breath at hearing those words. Her eyes started to tear up as she embraced Emma in a tight hug. The blonde started to shake once again and Regina rocked her back and forth, humming to her.

They sat like that for a long while before Regina helped Emma up, she helped her to lay down in the bed and laid down behind her. No words were needed.

Emma just needed Regina.

And Regina just needed Emma.


	41. Chapter 41

**So so sorry for the wait! But I have been so stuck with this story! And then life have happened... Anyway, here you have one new chapter. Hope you'll enjoy :)**

Emma awoke only an hour or so after Regina had literally carried her to bed. Regina was still fast asleep as Emma laid with her face against hers and studied the beautiful brunette in front of her.

 _God, if you only knew how much I love you, Regina.._

Emma thought about what they had been through these last few months, and how it all had started.

She thought about the kiss they had shared after Emma's miscarriage that day at the hospital, and how Emma had been too afraid to admit her feelings for Regina.

She thought about when Regina had contacted her on Facebook and how they slowly had became **one**.

Emma thought about the ups and downs, but realized that Regina had always stood by her, even if Emma had been afraid she wouldn't.

She thought about that terrible day Regina had found her in the forest and when she she'd found out she was pregnant again.

It had been a couple of months since that fateful and life changing day and Emma was about four months pregnant by now.

Her baby bump was slowly starting to show, and it was something she of proudly. It brought a smile to her face as she realized that she had finally found what she had always searched for.

A life she could share with someone.

And that someone was _Regina_.

"I love you," Emma whispered as she placed a tender kiss on her girlfriend's forehead.

Regina slowly blinked her sleepy eyes open and smiled as she saw the silhouette of Emma in front of her.

"Hi," Emma said as she tucked away a string of Regina's hair behind her ear.

"Hi dear, are you okay?" Regina asked, her voice laced with concern, even if she'd just woken up.

"I've never been better actually," Emma shrugged and she saw how her answer almost brought tears to her girlfriends eyes.

"I'm happy to hear that," Regina replied as she pressed her lips against Emma's. "and I love you to" the brunette added as their lips parted.

Ruby loved having Belle living with her and Rumple seemed to be head over heals over the big spaces he had to explore. Of course Ruby had bought him an enormous cat tree that he loved as well.

The redhead was doing much better, and as she had found the right dosage of her medication, she was starting to feel like herself again. Just the fact she had started to eat again made Belle so proud of her.

They were slowly becoming happy again.

Emma and Regina spent the whole day in bed, simply talking and being close to each other. And they both felt the child in Emma's stomach kick for the first time and it made them both cry.

"Emma, I… I can't describe how happy I am that I… " Regina started to say but was quickly cut off by her girlfriend.

"I know baby, I know. You don't have to say it, I know what you're referring to," Emma spoke in such a calm and gentle tone, it almost amazed the therapist.

The fact that the blonde could almost read her mind sometimes, both scared her but it mostly amazed her.

"I want you to move in with me," Regina said suddenly and Emma simply nodded.

"I would love to. I guess there isn't any reason for me to actually stay in the guesthouse anymore really." the blonde chuckled as she placed Regina's hands on her baby bump.

"Oh, you're sure you want to? I mean, you can think about it if you want to.." Regina almost stuttered.

It felt like their roles suddenly were reversed, as Emma sounded so sure and happy, and Regina a bit insecure and anxious.

Emma didn't blame her tough, and gently placed her hands over Regina's and their eyes locked.

"i don't have to think about it. And I guess you wanna know why? " Emma smiled and Regina carefully nodded.

"Well, because I want to fall asleep and wake up next to you every day Regina. I want to really **live,** and enjoy life. I don't want my kid… I mean, our kid, to grow up with a depressed mom you know? I wanna take the job Granny offered me, I wanna learn to ride and you know what? I even wanna have a big freaking barbecue with Ruby, Belle, Kathryn and David as well! "

Regina let out a small chuckle as she heard Emma talk. She was so… blown away over how quickly her girlfriend could go from such a sad mood to such a happy one.

Regina guessed all these months of therapy had really paid off, but also that Emma had finally realized that Regina had always and would **always** be her biggest supporter.

"I love you Emma, you know that right? And I'm so proud of you."

"I know Gina, and I love you too. I would never have come this far without you.. Or ruby. I owe you two so much... You guys have really saved me," Emma said as she sat up, and Regina frowned.

"Emma, what's wrong? Are you sure you're okay, dear? You look pale," Regina said, fearing there was something wrong with the child in Emma's stomach.

If she remembered correctly, it had been about this time, she had miscarried the last time. It made her heart ache, as she had already grown to love the unborn child.

Emma let out a big breath and stood to her feet, Regina quickly followed suite.

"I just need some air," she said and Regina nodded, even if Emma had her back turned agonist her, so she didn't see her

Regina quickly stepped in front of her, and gripped Emma's hand gently, as she lead her girlfriend out on the balcony.

It didn't take more than just a couple of minutes, before Emma looked better. Regina was so relieved.

Emma leaned against the rail and Regina soon did the same. Their eyes met and her hand intertwined with Regina's.

"You were scared it was something wrong with the kid, weren't you?"

"Well, yes. Weren't you?" Regina asked, feeling almost confused.

"Nah," Emma shrugged and continued, "I have been staring having these hot flashes, so it's was just one of those.. "

"Oh" Regina replied, almost feeling bad for not knowing that, but then again, Emma hadn't told her about it.

The blonde saw the puzzled look on Regina's faced and pecked her lips, making her girlfriend relax.

"I have been talking a bit with the doctor about my pregnancy and don't forget, I'm having regular visits while you're working Gina," Emma said with a gentle smile.

"Oh yes of course. I just..," Regina shrugged.

"Don't worry baby, I know you have had a bit on your mind recently, and that's okay. I guess I should have told you. Anyway, I just get these hot flashes sometimes and I just need to cool down… But don't get me started about the morning sickness stuff. Ugh."

For just a moment, Regina and Emma's relationship felt… **normal**.

It was an amazing feeling, a feeling Regina tried to embrace as much as she could, because she knew that it could quickly turn the other way.

Emma had her sickness still, and her anxiety was always going to be like a ticking bomb.

"Let's invite the guys tomorrow for a barbecue?" the blonde suddenly said and her gentle voice quickly made Regina snap back to reality.

"I would love to baby."

"Awesome. I'll call Ruby and you can call Kathryn?" Regina nodded and Emma placed a kiss on her cheek before she disappeared inside to call Ruby.

Regina stayed out at the balcony for a while longer, simply looking out over her house and horse pastures.

She imagined how she could place a couple of swings on the big grass fields that surrounded the main house and put pictured how she soon would run around out there with Emma and their kid, playing and laughing.

Regina let out a big sigh, because she couldn't shake of the feeling something bad was just about to happen, but she hoped she was wrong.

"Just live in the moment for Christ's sake," Regina said to herself as she went inside to call Kathryn.

Emma decided to take a shower before she called Ruby. She didn't lock the door and hoped that small move would relax her girlfriend in case she wondered where she'd disappeared.

This day had been such a rollercoaster, but it had ended differently than it always had before.

Emma had gotten through an anxiety attack, without ending up cutting herself. It amazed her. She had been able to resist the temptation, because she had realized she had something more important than her razors, something she refused to lose.

 **Regina**.


	42. Chapter 42

_So guys, this is the final chapter of this fic. It's a bittersweet feeling for me but I'm sure I'm gonna write a sequel to it someday. Thanks for bring with me along the way! :)_

 **And a huge thanks to Naomi!**

One month later.

When the night came, Emma felt her anxiety make its presence known again. She was sitting on the couch with Regina and untangled herself from her girlfriend's strong arms. As she did so, the therapist frowned.

"Is there something wrong, darling?" Regina asked carefully, trying to get Emma to meet her eyes. The blonde simply shrugged and pulled her legs up to her chin and let out a big sigh.

"Emma, don't shut me out, please?" Regina added.

"I don't know. I just feel anxious."

"Do you want me to get you one of your pills?"

Emma shrugged once again and the therapist was overcome by a feeling of frustration. She was used to Emma's mood swings by now, and also knew her pregnancy only made it worse.

"What if I can't give this baby a good upbringing?" Emma asked suddenly as she looked up and met Regina's kind and calm eyes.

"What are you talking about? You're going to be a wonderful mother Emma, and I'm gonna help you raise the baby. We're gonna be such a great team, you and me."

"I don't even know how a normal childhood works, or what it supposed to be…."

Regina felt her heart break as those words left Emma's tongue. She knew it was only going to be a matter of time before this would come up, and she was actually surprised it hadn't come up earlier.

They hadn't talked much about Emma's childhood actually. It had just been bits and pieces, and it had mostly been when Regina had been her therapist.

"What's your biggest fear?"

Emma sighed and felt her eyes tear up as she looked away. Her mind was racing at the moment.

They sat in silence for a long while before Emma finally found the strength to answer her girlfriend's question.

"I don't know… and I don't really remember much, but the things I do remember are.. terrible," Emma said with a visible shiver.

 _Emma was sitting in her bed, holding her old teddy bear with a tight grip. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her stomach was growling. She had been crying for almost an hour but it felt like she could cry for hours more._

 _She was barely 5 years old and had tried to surprise her foster parents with breakfast. Sadly she had, of course by accident, dropped her foster father's coffee cup and it had made him absolutely furious. She hadn't had a chance to react before he had struck her and when he had told her to go up to her room, she had still not understood what she had done wrong._

 _She had just wanted to be nice but the situation had quickly turned sour and she had been sent to her room without breakfast and was told to stay there for the rest of the day…_

When Emma ended the story, she was bawling her eyes out and Regina quickly pulled her into a tight hug.

"Shh it's okay Emma, I'm here. I'm here and nobody is gonna treat this child as bad as you've been treated, okay? I'll make sure of it. Trust me."

Emma didn't answer, she just snuggled even closer to her girlfriend as the memories whirled around in her mind. She didn't know if she could actually do this, and she didn't know where all this anxiety had all of a sudden come from either for that matter…

"I wanna give Rubes a call, if that's okay?" Emma stuttered as Regina met her eyes and offered her a gentle smile.

"Of course it is darling. I'll leave you to it, okay? I'll be in the kitchen if you need me," Regina said as she stood to her feet. "I love you," she added and gave Emma a light kiss on her cheek before she left the room.

Emma swallowed her tears and dialed Ruby's number. She didn't know why she wanted to talk to her about this instead of her girlfriend, but at the same time, she thought, it wasn't that weird. Ruby knew everything there was to know about Emma and it didn't feel as difficult to talk to her as with the woman she loved. Or something like that…

"Emma! Can't you wait to meet me tomorrow for lunch or what?" Ruby chuckled into the phone but when Emma didn't give her a quick respond, she frowned and became serious. "Ems, what's wrong?"

"You know me too well… don't you?" Emma replied as her voice broke and Ruby met Belle's eyes. Her girlfriend just gave her a gentle nod in response before Ruby walked upstairs to talk in peace.

Belle just pet her cat who laid in her lap. She had become more relaxed with Emma and Ruby's friendship, much thanks to the serious talk the two had shared. She didn't feel threatened anymore because Belle knew, that deep inside, she was the one who held Ruby's heart when it came to love.

Not Emma.

"Okay, I'm all yours Swan, so talk," Ruby said carefully and calmly as she sat down on the bed.

"I don't.. I don't even know where to start… maybe it was a bad idea calling… " the blonde mumbled.

"Hey, you can call me about anything and everything, you know that, right? And now when you're pregnant, you obviously have a free pass. So come on, is there something wrong between you and your girl?"

Emma sighed.

"No, that's just it… there isn't anything wrong between us… it's just me… As usual. Or more like my stupid brain…" Emma managed to stutter.

"What's going on over there then?" Ruby asked.

"I'm just freaking out about the baby… I just reached the second half of my pregnancy now and it's really starting to sink in, you know… that I'm actually about to be a mom."

Emma spoke calmly but Ruby heard the hidden anxiety in her friend's voice and knew it would only be a matter of time before Emma shut down completely, so she had to make sure she continued talking.

"And? You're gonna be the best mom Ems, and Belle and I are gonna be the most awesome aunts… and speaking of that…. Belle has even bought like a half library of kids book to give to you… but please don't tell her I told you that, okay?"

Emma couldn't t help but chuckle. Ruby had been her rock through so many years and she didn't know if she knew how much she loved her. Words couldn't describe how much her actions throughout the years meant to her.

If it hadn't been for Ruby, Emma wouldn't be alive today.

"I'm just scared I'm not cut out to be a mom… I didn't have the best childhood myself, if you remember."

"And that's the biggest reason you're gonna give your kid a wonderful upbringing!"

Emma frowned.

"I don't follow."

"Look, what I mean is that considering your own life, you're gonna give this kid everything you could only dream of, do you get it?"

"I think so.. " Emma faltered slightly and Ruby continued.

"So don't be so hard on yourself. And hey, according to Granny you're doing an amazing job at the Cafe so if you still want to, I'm ready to give my permission for you to take Granny's share in the company. Then maybe that old woman can finally see herself around the world."

Emma nearly dropped her phone. Was Ruby really serious now? But before Emma was able to reply, Ruby continued.

"Well that can't happen until after your and Regina's wedding or course, I mean letting Granny travel the world. Because I don't think she wants to miss out seeing one of her family members walking down the aisle, right?"

Emma felt her tears roll down her cheeks once again but this time they were from happiness and not anxiety.

When she'd ended the call with Ruby, Emma laid down on the couch and closed her eyes, almost going through her whole life in her head.

She thought about everything she had been through, and all the pain and sorrow. But also the happiness and joy,and of the memories that had made her laugh and feel wanted. And loved. Safe.

Her life had been anything but easy and had been a dark place for so many years. But now, it was looking very bright.

Emma knew her life would never become as bad as it once had been but she also knew her memories would always haunt her. But that didn't scare her anymore.

She felt the baby in her stomach kick and she let out a small chuckle as Regina entered the room and sat down next to her.

"Are you feeling better?" Regina asked carefully as Emma laid her head in her lap.

"Yeah… I just realized something," Emma spoke dreamily.

"Oh? Enlighten me then, dear," Regina smiled.

"Well, it's gonna sound so damn cliche… " Emma said with a small grin as she met Regina's eyes.

"Emma, you know I'm a therapist right? I think I can handle it.. "

The blonde sat up and took Regina's hands in hers, her eyes still heavily focused on Regina..

"I know stuff has been rough between us over the times and I'm sorry for that… but I can't describe in words how much everything you have done for me actually means. You have done so much for me Regina and I love you so freaking much."

I know I'm anything but easy, and I'm so thankful for everything and now we have a kid that's growing stronger in my belly and everything is fine with her. And I know you and Kathryn have your hands full with planning our wedding…."

"Emma, you don't have to tell me your life story you know," Regina chuckled and pecked Emma's lips.

"Well, let me tell you about that one thing that made me realize you had stolen my heart. Just before you leaned in and kissed me in the hospital. Do you remember what you said?"

Regina felt the tears sting in her eyes as she gave Emma a small nod.

Emma smiled and leaned closer, letting her lips gently brush against Regina's as she whispered,

"Let me help you."

 **The end!**


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